Venting Hoping for my own failure

[SomewhatLoved]

I have a job interview on Wednesday to work at an organization that is reasonably liked in my industry. My current employer is my first one out of school, and it's a shitty place to work.

My first week I was berated by a coworker for signing out a piece of equipment the wrong way, and he wouldn't let me explain myself or apologize. He refused to talk to me for the next 6 hours (half of the shift). He later did the same to someone else and brought religion into it, essentially making fun of the other person for being Christian. At that point I found out 3 people had quit because of him prior to me working there because of his aggression and harassment of staff, and our manager was aware and did nothing. I also have another coworker who is constantly making comments about my appearance. Saying I'm too skinny, I don't eat enough (I've struggled with appetite my whole life and even when I force myself to eat past being full I seem to struggle to gain weight). My job does require a certain level of strength so this could be a genuine concern, but I passed the mandatory physical exam without issue. I am able to fulfill the duties of my job despite being underweight. In January, I dyed my hair black after having been bleach blonde for a while. This coworker then said to me "I can't take you seriously anymore, you look emo". Let it be known I have one small facial piercing (eyebrow) and no visible tattoos. I don't think I look alternative in any way when I'm at work. I don't wear any goth/punk/alternative style clothing while at work. I wear plain, minimalistic clothes without and logos or branding because I work in healthcare and there are specific policies against displaying affiliations with any brands or organizations. I have one black shirt I wear to work but otherwise I mostly wear navy blue, tan, or gray clothes to work. But even if I do look a certain non-traditional style, she should just know better. This is the year 2025, we are beyond this bullshit. When I was in school I studied under people who were covered head to toe in tattoos. I had a mentor who had vitiligo. People look different in this world. We're all adults, why the fuck do you make comments like this to people? She goes to the gym every day but still looks like shit and I honestly find her sense of style sub-par but I never comment on it because she's just a coworker, it doesn't matter how she looks. What matters is she does her job (but to be honest, she slacks a lot).

Essentially, since I started here it's been constant bitching and shit talk from my colleagues. I can only imagine what they say about me when I'm not around if this is how they act to my face.

Anyways, I'm feeling completely drained of motivation. The small part of me that still wants to be better sees the opportunity to escape this stepping stone and move to a better position, but at the same time a part of me hopes I don't get the job and that I'm forced to stay here and results in me getting worse again/pushes me over the edge.

When I was applying to post-secondary and I went for the admissions interview I remember thinking that if I didn't get in I would kill myself, but I did and I'm still here. I have been dissatisfied with life and chronically suicidal for my whole life. I have tried to change without any luck. I know I could probably keep living but it doesn't seem appealing, I would probably live a sub-mediocre life and just die eventually. I feel like it would be better if it just ended prematurely. I want things to fall apart and to be driven to suicide so I can stop procrastinating and failing to change my circumstances and finally just stop experiencing anything.

 

[hopeless302]

that place sounds like a hive of bullying, sexual harassment and incompetence. I'd run for the hills if I were you.

 

[Nauyaca]

Well, I've been in a somewhat similar situation, I won't tell you that I understand and that you must do this or that because I don't know you, and in all probability never will, I can only tell you what I did with as much sincerity as I can.

You have to either improve yourself inside of your current workplace to a point where you become indispensable, or the one who gives the orders, or both.

OR

You search for another position somewhere else and just leave, don't yell, don't read a riot act to nobody, just go, I did this, and I not only left, I changed my entire career, this is unrealistic most of the time but i was lucky I had some money saved, did some denigrating but short term jobs and found something else, humble, but different, and in the future, i'll probably do it all over again just because, why? Because we are not our jobs, we are not dentists, or firemen or whatever, that's just your occupation, but not intrinsically you.

Now, on the topic of killing yourself, i won't tell you not to do it, because i myself am struggling, but if you do it, do it for the right reason, if you kill yourself because of the nasty actions of some other people, that is not suicide, it's murder, they murdered you, and not only that, they will laugh at you and get away with impunity, don't let them, that's the thing that's keeping me alive for the time being.

It is an awful and grim place this world, so all the luck to you, we need it, take care.