Venting hopefully i can kill myself this month (get a grip)

[monetpompo]

unstructured suicide rant

i'm thinking about doing it tomorrow but saying "i'll do it tomorrow" means nothing at all. i think i'll ask my dad to drop me off at a nature preserve earlier in the evening then wait out a few hours there walking around until everyone's gone. usually he forgets about me once he drops me off somewhere. i'm going to practice my rope knots in my room so i have the muscle memory down. i've mostly been dicking around because i've been waiting for when i can cut ties with my friend, since i have a really rocky relationship with him (my fault, though partially his) i'm mostly jealous he moved away and has the kind of life that i don't) and i've been trying to get him to distance himself from me for a while. pretty much the only thing i can do is cut him off because i don't want to keep texting him when i find it irritating that he wants to stay my friend because he thinks moving away shouldn't change anything. i've talked about him a lot in my posts. sometimes it feels like my life has been wrapped around him because even when i have other friends i feel like he understands the most, but i've spent a really long time waiting for when i can cut him off and kill myself without worrying about what he thinks of me. over time, i've become kind of worn down because i've been telling him that i don't want to be his friend and he doesn't know why i want to stop being his friend if we still have fun conversations. he just reminds me of everything i don't have by existing. sometimes it feels like he's an older brother to me or a better version of me that should've existed. it hurts to know someone that i used to get along so well with but i just hate now. it hurts to hate somebody and have them not understand. it feels like i'll always keep going to back to him because i'm a weak person, when i never want to talk to him again regardless of if i kill myself or not. i spend a lot of time trying to forget his face and the things we did together because i desperately don't want to remember. i seriously don't want him in my life anymore but it's hard not to miss the way our friendship used to be. he just isn't letting me let go.

i hate him for moving away, because i think a lot of my ideation would go away if i was able to leave my parents and finally be my own person. but it's not ike that for me. i steadily lost all interest in trying to make my life worth living or any better if i just see it all as monotonous, tiring, and painful. every night my mind kind of falls back on suicide because i have nothing to live for still. i've always held this feeling inside me and i always thought that if i died then all the people who told me they'd be sad would actually forget about me in reality. to be honest, sasu reminds me of my doomed situation too much, which is why i don't like going on here as often. it's sad seeing people here that can't kill themselves, sad to see people dying, and sad to see people recovering. everything on this website is really depressing but it's hard for me to leave it because i don't have anyone else i can tell my feelings to. but venting on here feels like it isn't meaningful at all if i'm just another number in a sasu's pool of data and another account with a profile and a username. sometimes it's tiring to constantly want to be more than i am. i know i'll never be more than myself and i just want to stop trying or believing that my life can be better. i'm tired of people always, always telling me my life can be fixed when it's me living my life and i've already heard everything everyone's told me before. i don't want people to act high and mighty towards me for being suicidal when i've been treated like that my whole life.

i used to have this problem when i was younger and i still do where i would tell people what i think and people would tell me, "how do you want me to respond?". because i would talk a lot about anguish, not belonging, and suicide. and truthfully, i still don't know what i want people to say. all i know is i don't want to be told something that feels like it's what i want to hear, it focuses on how someone else feels or how they want me to feel, or that they understand how i'm feeling when it feels like i'm on a different plane of existence. i know i'm not a special snowflake. i know that i will never ever act any differently from other depressed or moody people because the condition is ultimately the same. i know that i'm young and i cold potentially live to be 60 years old if i don't kill myself. i know and i acknowledge all this stuff that people are telling me but i honestly feel like i don't care at all and like it's all pointless. but if i was really suicidal, it feels like i would've killed myself already. every day, i feel this deep internal guilt for not killing myself that i'm incapable of shaking. it feels like it's poisoning me sometimes. it's lurking in the back of my head every day and every time something makes me sad, upset, angry, or anxious. i wouldn't have to feel any of these negative emotions anymore if i just killed myself, and i know that i'd rather be dead if i had the choice to, but i need to make the step to go to the forest, set up my rope, and hang myself. i'll most definitely be caught and stopped if i hang myself at home because of convulsions and agonal breathing. it's very hard to fight the instinctual fear from gagging and not being able to breathe in or out. but people kill themselves every day. it's so hard for me to grasp death when i think about it because i won't be conscious to experience it. i don't fear death, i just hate that it requires so much pain to happen. i wish i could die in an easier way than hanging, but hanging is technically already an "easy" method because of the ease of access and how quickly it happens.

i keep stumbling over my words when i talk to my friends in person now because i can't keep up with my thoughts the way i used to when i still attended college. i don't talk to anyone besides my sister and my dad in short conversations or sentences now. my brother's worse than me because he's pretty much nonverbal, so one of the reasons i want to kill myself is because i'm worried about my social anxiety and agoraphobia getting so bad that i can only talk in short sentences the way he does. if i decided tomorrow that i shouldn't attempt, then i'd probably do online classes at my community college. i'd still be just as suicidal, so i don't think there's much of a point to it. i think that i just don't want to go back to college at all anymore because i see it all as completely pointless if i don't have my license, a job, or any real social life. sometimes it feels like my head is swimming with so much negativity that i'm worried it'll infect others. i wish i could just hole myself up inside my house and die in it the way gregor samson died in metamorphosis from slow starvation. i feel like i have a grotesque sickness that i'm constantly trying to hide from people by being normal and dressing myself into human clothes. i think that i secretly don't want to be understood by others because it either feels like i'm being shoved in a category (you're depressed because trans/unemployed/single) or people just want to feed me lies about how people will love me in spite of my flaws.

 

[monetpompo]

i met up with my friend briefly before he left town. i didn't tell him anything about committing suicide but i was trying to avoid having him make plans to meet up with me again because i knew i wouldn't be alive the next time he came back. i barely made eye contact with him because i didn't want to look at his face at all.

today i wish that i could just die. i think the only way i can do it is full suspension and i know that's the fastest and most lethal way someone can die. it's just scary to do. it makes me feel like such a coward. i feel like going into the woods today, but i wouldn't have enough money in my card to get an uber back home. i don't know if my dad is in the mood to drive me to the park. i don't have a good way to hide my stool because it doesn't fit in my bag all the way.

if i could, i'd stop thinking about killing myself and just try to move on with my life. but i'm not really like that. i'm not happy about being alive and i can't make myself want to be alive. i mostly want to kill myself before the school semester starts, because i know i still won't be enrolled. i don't want to do online classes or to try to do anything when i'm still trying to kill myself. feeling drained like this makes it hard for me to want to attempt because i feel like just going to bed instead.

i'm sick of being this kind of person. it feels like everything's fallen apart for me. i don't want to keep living and breathing in a body that doesn't know how to exist.