Venting Hope is the cruelest emotion

[agony1996]

I think hope is one of the cruelest emotions. I was suicidal once before this time, it was 7 years ago all I did was research's ways to ctb there weren't any peaceful, reliable ways but I was so desperate that I was just going to take a bunch of sleeping pills.I was living alone with my dog at the time, who was my everything, he was there for me through the toughest of times and the best of times,gave me so much love, he was a son to me.We had a very special bond that is hard to describe in words.
I felt so guilty during that period because my depression did not let me take good care of him, meaning, I wasn't able to take him on walks, play with him and show him happiness but I knew that he would not have changed me for the world.
During this time I was in unimaginable emotional pain to the point that I did not go outside for 9 months, I know it's hard to believe but it's true, he went on his wee wee pads and I had everything I needed delivered to me. This might seem like I was a horrible owner but i really couldn't do anything. My point is that I took one look at him and imagined what he would do upon noticing that I'm not waking up, the fear anxiety and devastation he would go through until my body was found and I was unable to go through with the ctb. Eventually things started looking up for me and I started making plans that I was excited about and gave me a reason to live. I was thinking that finally this was my time and I was filled with hope that I was going to lead a happy life but of course everything came crashing down on me and now I am in the same suicidal state.
This time I know things will not look up again, I don't dare to hope ever again.
Hope can be of the cruelest emotion as cruel as the universe.
This time I know I need to go as I can't bare any more pain, I'm hurting so badly that when I breathe it hurts, I have this huge knot in my throat and stomach that don't go away the emotional pain is so strong that it becomes physical if that makes any sense.
II honestly don't even know what I'm saying I'm just rambling, can't get my thoughts straight im in so much pain.
Im sorry

 

[Lost Magic]

No need to apologise. I am feeling very low myself. I'm sorry that you have to go through this

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you suffer a lot, it truly is such a cruel, terrible existence where there is all this suffering, but anyway I hope you find peace eventually.

 

[agony1996]

No need to apologise. I am feeling very low myself. I'm sorry that you have to go through this

I'm sorry you're going through it as well

 

[Valhala]

All hopes are false - to hope is to be false.

 

[DeathSleep]

Hope is powerful whether it's there or it's absent. You're story reminded me of my two cats that I had a couple years ago. I was struggling to take care of them as well due mostly to my mental state. I felt like they deserved much better. I eventually found someone to take them in as things got worse for me and I went homeless.

I can relate to mental/emotional pain becoming physical.

As I get older my hope has dimmed greatly. I kind of miss the days when I still had hope. But, now it feels like a cruel illusion that I don't trust.

 

[Yonlux]

I feel bad for your pain

 

[Timothy7dff]

I prefer a steady low to periods of false hope.

 

[Bear1234]

Im sorry dude. Hope is a rough emotion to deal with. I do wish hope comes in to give a better life and then actually stay that way rather than come crashing down. I want things to turn around for you but if not, a peaceful CTB is my wish for you.

 

[justwannadip]

I think hope is one of the cruelest emotions. I was suicidal once before this time, it was 7 years ago all I did was research's ways to ctb there weren't any peaceful, reliable ways but I was so desperate that I was just going to take a bunch of sleeping pills.I was living alone with my dog at the time, who was my everything, he was there for me through the toughest of times and the best of times,gave me so much love, he was a son to me.We had a very special bond that is hard to describe in words.
I felt so guilty during that period because my depression did not let me take good care of him, meaning, I wasn't able to take him on walks, play with him and show him happiness but I knew that he would not have changed me for the world.
During this time I was in unimaginable emotional pain to the point that I did not go outside for 9 months, I know it's hard to believe but it's true, he went on his wee wee pads and I had everything I needed delivered to me. This might seem like I was a horrible owner but i really couldn't do anything. My point is that I took one look at him and imagined what he would do upon noticing that I'm not waking up, the fear anxiety and devastation he would go through until my body was found and I was unable to go through with the ctb. Eventually things started looking up for me and I started making plans that I was excited about and gave me a reason to live. I was thinking that finally this was my time and I was filled with hope that I was going to lead a happy life but of course everything came crashing down on me and now I am in the same suicidal state.
This time I know things will not look up again, I don't dare to hope ever again.
Hope can be of the cruelest emotion as cruel as the universe.
This time I know I need to go as I can't bare any more pain, I'm hurting so badly that when I breathe it hurts, I have this huge knot in my throat and stomach that don't go away the emotional pain is so strong that it becomes physical if that makes any sense.
II honestly don't even know what I'm saying I'm just rambling, can't get my thoughts straight im in so much pain.
Im sorry

I know. And hope is baiting me back. I don't think I can trust it anymore, theres no way