Discussion Hope for a better future

[BloomingAzaleas]

I'm sure we've all probably heard by now the usual "it will get better!" speech from someone in our life. The idea that despite all our issues everything will just be okay in the future. It's quite the optimistic approach, and honestly, I can see myself finding peace of mind or being happy as time passes. I can see hope for a better future.

Yet I feel like this all misses the point.
Even in my happiest and most peaceful moments, there is still this underlying desire to die.
I often run this thought experiment in my head every night: If I had the choice to have my most ideal life, or most ideal death which would I pick?
Everything single night is the same answer for me, I'd rather die than live my perfect life.
I could have everything I want life but it still wouldn't be enough to to make me change my mind. So I can't help but ask myself, why would I ever want to be better? Why would I ever want to live a happy life?

And so I keep rejecting recovery, rejecting therapy, rejecting medication, and rejecting opportunities to have a successful and fulfilling life, it seems I already made my choice to waste my life long before I choose to end it.

Does anyone else feel this way about recovery? Which option would you choose between and ideal life and an ideal death? Does anyone else self-sabotages their recovery on purpose?

I want to hear your thoughts on this.

 

[2minutes2ctb]

Hey there,
Yes, I kinda feel the same way. Going to therapy for 3 months now, I always get out of there with hope and a big smile on my face but then the next day I'm back at ruminating again, feeling like shit for my past choices and wanting to end my life. By showing up to the sessions, my relatives think that I'm doing better which is absolutely hypocrite but I don't want them to get more worried.
I've been stuck in this self-sabotage mode for a bit now, not only therapy but also job, body and mind, relationships, my latest exploit being turning my ex's life upside down.
Not gonna say I was living my ideal life but it was quite decent until I fucked it up few months ago, one bad decision on top of another. Regrets, guilt and shame are now consuming me and I honestly don't know how to get over it.

 

[relapse]

Hope seems almost annoying to me at this point, and I don't know why. I get very irritated whenever anyone even mentions the possibility of things getting better for me as if I knew that they aren't going to, and if they do I'll ruin it. My life is stagnant and going nowhere yet that's less scary to me than trying to get a shot at happiness.

 

[Rose Mine]

I don't know if I would want an ideal future or death. On one hand I love my family and boyfriend and want to have a future with all of them filled with good things and happiness. On the other hand the one thing that comforts me at night isn't sitting in bed thinking about the future, it is thinking about blowing my brains out and seeing the aftermath that follows from a ghost point of view. I do hope for a better future but it seems kind of pointless after a certain point because I haven't gotten better in so long. And yeah, I am trying new things but who's to say it will work? I want a future but I want death so badly.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand as I'd personally prefer to not exist no matter what, non-existence is all I hope and wish for, I just want to never exist ever again, I have no interest in existing and I always find it a futile torturous burden to exist, for me non-existence is all that's desirable, I wish this existence was never imposed more than anything, for me the only peace could ever lie in non-existence.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I feel similarly. Even in my most positive moments- which are few and far between- I pose myself the question: 'So- does this mean you now want to live or, are you still ok with dying?' Every time so far- I've picked death.

In my experience, the good times are transitory and they take vast amounts of effort to bring about. It's not that I'm ungrateful for them. It's more that I'm like- ok, lovely. It would mean I leave on a high if I go now.

Yes, death wipes out any possible future moments like that but- according to what I believe, I very much doubt I'll be able to feel regret for that. The bonus being that death wipes out all the negative experiences too and all the tedious shit we have to untertake to make those handful of positive moments materialise.

 

[NoMoreSanity]

I personally wish I had an ideal life for at least 5 years, but ultimately this will never happen. If you want the truth, nothing ever gets better, and the world is spiraling even deeper into hell. WW3 will happen soon, the economy will crash, and humans will struggle. I've lately been trying as hard as I can to give up hope. There is no good future, and no one on this planet has the solution to suffering.