toxicfox
Can’t run with foxes AND hunt with the wolves
- Sep 30, 2019
- 50
Looking back (I've been a long time looker and a more recent member) of the site, and it's crazy how many people you can relate to. I have bipolar 1, and I've spent most of my childhood trying to fit in and find others that would like me or just accept me for who I am. If you have any kind of mental disorder, you know this is very hard. Becoming a member here has definitely given insight on how many are really similar to me. When you're contemplating ctb or already have a plan, it's a tremendous help knowing you're not just some odd duck who won't make it.
I've tried my whole life to tell people "this is just the way I am" and they would just laugh, or push me away, or preach help, or say "well it is what it is". I have never met so many people with disorders similar to mine that I can talk to or just read a thread and relate to it... This doesn't change me wanting to catch the bus, by any means. And I will, sometime this month (20th or 27th if it all goes well).
But I must say, it is a comfort and an honor to be around people who don't judge you, and who have many experiences and feelings similar to yours.
People don't understand how much strength it takes to commit to ctb. You have that gun to your head or that rope around your neck or you're in a vehicle with some charcoal... it takes extreme strength to look back on all the years of your life, all the events that took place, all the people that surrounded you and you put an abrupt end to it. You fight back so many emotions, so many thoughts and say "this is it, it's been good, farewell"
That is not cowardice, that is having enough. That is wanting more than what this world or your own state of mind can offer you, and you're inviting the reaper into your open arms.
I ain't leaving for another week or two but when I do, I'll be chatting with yall during my carbon monoxide process, because I want the last bits of my being awake to be filled with people who I could say related to me on a level that nobody else ever could. That's y'all
Be good everyone
"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence.
I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content"
~Helen Keller
I've tried my whole life to tell people "this is just the way I am" and they would just laugh, or push me away, or preach help, or say "well it is what it is". I have never met so many people with disorders similar to mine that I can talk to or just read a thread and relate to it... This doesn't change me wanting to catch the bus, by any means. And I will, sometime this month (20th or 27th if it all goes well).
But I must say, it is a comfort and an honor to be around people who don't judge you, and who have many experiences and feelings similar to yours.
People don't understand how much strength it takes to commit to ctb. You have that gun to your head or that rope around your neck or you're in a vehicle with some charcoal... it takes extreme strength to look back on all the years of your life, all the events that took place, all the people that surrounded you and you put an abrupt end to it. You fight back so many emotions, so many thoughts and say "this is it, it's been good, farewell"
That is not cowardice, that is having enough. That is wanting more than what this world or your own state of mind can offer you, and you're inviting the reaper into your open arms.
I ain't leaving for another week or two but when I do, I'll be chatting with yall during my carbon monoxide process, because I want the last bits of my being awake to be filled with people who I could say related to me on a level that nobody else ever could. That's y'all
Be good everyone
"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence.
I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content"
~Helen Keller
