Story Honesty

[Clover]

I love it.

At the start of this year I had just been through an extremely difficult life changing time and my friends were super protective of me. I had so many welfare checks called on me that I can't even remember them all. After my attempt - it was pretty serious and I almost died- this continued.

I could have pretended to everyone that I was fine and recovered and no longer suicidal but I really struggle with lieing. (I have autism and inability to lie is a trait) So instead I had calm conversations with the people I care about explaining that yes I was super distressed and in pain and emotional at that time but that now I am calm and thinking clearly I actually still want to die. I told them that I feel like it's a choice that I have the right to make and that staying alive would be so horrible for me that I would only be doing it for their sake and that I really did not want to have to do this.
It's been a few months now and they have mostly decided to be supportive or my choice. Definitely not encouraging it but not trying to argue about it. One friend has told me that she's not happy about it but she's not going to call the police anytime soon and today another asked me during conversation if I had my stuff yet. (N) I said it was close and she she said well you don't have to take it right away even if you have it.

So I guess I'm happy that those I care about understand what I'm doing.
I'm happy that no one is going to call anyone or do anything to try and stop me but I'm still wary that I can't give any exact days or locations as last minute fear or desire to help May kick in.

I do feel bad that I've put people in this position though. I know I would struggle if it was the other way around. And I'm pro choice. (None of these people are and none that I know of have been suicidal)

Do you think I'm doing the wrong thing? As a friend. Asking them to support this?

 

[RacilyDank]

I think it's an entirely personal thing. It also depends on what your friends are like. It sounds like yours are for the most part understanding about it.

I'm choosing not to tell anybody for a number of reasons.

1. Embarrassment. I'm ashamed of feeling this way, even though I believe my circumstances warrant it.

2. I don't want anyone to try and stop me, an attempt is much less likely to succeed if people are constantly checking up on me or drop by because they haven't heard from me.

3. I don't want to worry people about something that is inevitable anyway. I don't want the last days, weeks or months that I'm alive to be painful for them or make them feel any more like they could've done something.

 

[Clover]

Thanks for the reply. Your 1 and 2 reasons don't really apply to me. I haven't thought about being embarrassed but I guess it's because everyone has already seen me at my worse in ICU
Number 3 I sure hope doesn't apply. My situation is very complex though and I hope everyone knows that there is truly nothing that they can do

 

[MissLisa]

I also struggle with lying but I'm generally quite good at hiding things. Whilst people might suspect that all is not good, they will not know when or even that I am going to do it. I know that it is going to happen, I keep fighting myself but I know that I am running out of time now. I don't think people would be understanding but then I don't have anyone that actually cares. I don't think I could let people in on it, I would feel bad thinking that they might have some guilt when you have gone. They might blame themselves, they knew and did nothing. I think it's hard for other people to understand

 

[TAW122]

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, and like RacilyDank said, it is a personal choice.

I think it's an entirely personal thing. It also depends on what your friends are like. It sounds like yours are for the most part understanding about it.

I'm choosing not to tell anybody for a number of reasons.

1. Embarrassment. I'm ashamed of feeling this way, even though I believe my circumstances warrant it.

2. I don't want anyone to try and stop me, an attempt is much less likely to succeed if people are constantly checking up on me or drop by because they haven't heard from me.

3. I don't want to worry people about something that is inevitable anyway. I don't want the last days, weeks or months that I'm alive to be painful for them or make them feel any more like they could've done something.

Mainly, the 2nd reason is the most important one and then possible the 1st one and not so much the 3rd one. The method I'm choosing has a very high success rate, but one can easily lose the method if they get involuntarily hospitalized, arrested (for certain crimes - especially DV, felonies, or misdemeanors that result in >1 year sentences, etc.). Mostly I'm avoiding the risk of getting hospitalized against my will since I want constant access to my method. The idea of having a method that will instantly (or as close as possible) result in death is very reassuring and I don't want to lose that.

 

[Ben]

I love it.

At the start of this year I had just been through an extremely difficult life changing time and my friends were super protective of me. I had so many welfare checks called on me that I can't even remember them all. After my attempt - it was pretty serious and I almost died- this continued.

I could have pretended to everyone that I was fine and recovered and no longer suicidal but I really struggle with lieing. (I have autism and inability to lie is a trait) So instead I had calm conversations with the people I care about explaining that yes I was super distressed and in pain and emotional at that time but that now I am calm and thinking clearly I actually still want to die. I told them that I feel like it's a choice that I have the right to make and that staying alive would be so horrible for me that I would only be doing it for their sake and that I really did not want to have to do this.
It's been a few months now and they have mostly decided to be supportive or my choice. Definitely not encouraging it but not trying to argue about it. One friend has told me that she's not happy about it but she's not going to call the police anytime soon and today another asked me during conversation if I had my stuff yet. (N) I said it was close and she she said well you don't have to take it right away even if you have it.

So I guess I'm happy that those I care about understand what I'm doing.
I'm happy that no one is going to call anyone or do anything to try and stop me but I'm still wary that I can't give any exact days or locations as last minute fear or desire to help May kick in.

I do feel bad that I've put people in this position though. I know I would struggle if it was the other way around. And I'm pro choice. (None of these people are and none that I know of have been suicidal)

Do you think I'm doing the wrong thing? As a friend. Asking them to support this?

Don't worry yourself about if it was the right thing to do or not, the important, and frankly incredible part, is they accept your decision. You can go in peace knowing the ones in your life won't tourte themselves with "ifs and buts" after you are gone. I'm kind of envious of that to be honest.

I wish you luck in your passing friend.