softfuzzyman
Rot
- Aug 17, 2020
- 77
I've spent my whole life telling myself I'm sick and need help and it isn't my fault, that I need to get better and I can get better if I can just find and receive the right treatment. These days I'm realizing there is no treatment, no drug or person or method or lifestyle change, that will ever ever in a million years do anything to ever make me feel better, because I'm not sick. This is the lie I've been telling all these years and now I know I'm not actually sick and in need of the right help, I'm just a bad person. I'm just lazy and avoidant and apathetic and self sabotaging because I'm lazy and stupid. I can't handle having a job and feel like shit all the time and doing anything is excruciating and having to talk to anyone feels terrible, not because I'm sick, but because I'm a lazy useless stupid sack of shit, that's it. I got my hopes up for "treatment" one last time and now I'm really really 100% sure of the actual truth which is that there really truly is nothing that will ever make me feel better, there is no such thing as a treatment that will relieve the way I feel. I understood this before tbh but not fully because I still held this one stupid last little shard of delusion hidden away about ketamine. Now that I did that and it didn't work out either, and crumbled and failed and fell through like everything else, now I'm 100% sure. Now it's not "nothing has ever worked so I don't think anything ever will," now it's an absolute certainty that "nothing ever can." Now I'm positive nothing can do anything to budge how horrible I feel all the time and how unable I am to do anything. And this is because those things don't come from fixable illness, but just from who I am.
So the realization from that, something that I've always felt, since I was very small, is that I need to CTB, and I've always always always felt that, I've never in my life not thought about it and wanted it and wished for it. Now I know that feeling that has always been here is the natural answer to my body deep down knowing there's no hope of ever not feeling this way and that CTB is the only way to fix it. My options are keep being alive as the most miserable useless stupid lazy person everyone who knows me has ever met, or escape from this hell.
The main problem is I can't take the merciful and easy and optimal route and escape. I don't have what it takes because again I am lazy, stupid, weak, and a coward. If I could... I mean hell, if it was possible for me to CTB it would have happened years ago, but even just leaving that alone certainly would have happened a couple months ago. I've had this SN for 2 months now and I've planned to CTB every single night and never can. I can never fucking do it. If I could do it at home maybe it'd be easier but I can't so part of it is getting in the car and going somewhere. Once again today I plan to do it but I doubt today will be the day, after all these other previous days that were supposed to be the day.
So. Yeah. That's all. I'm stuck. That's the great truth I've been enlightened to now. It can't get better. But I can't escape it. I'm stuck here suffering every day, unable to breathe with the weight of how awful I feel every day, when I'm not a zombie I'm breaking down, when I'm not breaking down I'm a zombie. I got a job and put myself through 4 days of it and it was hell and I've been feeling so much worse and today I just didn't go. I hope today is the day but yesterday was the day too.
Imma just rant in my own thread. Fuck it. I never post here and I always feel like shit when people respond to my stupid posts because I'm stupid. I've never been ok and I'll never be ok or "get better." I've never been my real self and I'll never be who I really am. I've never been financially stable and I never will, I've never known what to do with my life and I never will, I've never felt good or passionate about life or work and I never will, I've never been able to handle any job I've ever had and it literally does not matter what job I get, it will never be ok, I will never be able to handle any of it because of who I am, weak lazy stupid afraid selfish avoidant coward... I've never had a meaningful, true, deep, real connection with another human, and I never will. Every single night I fucking pray I don't wake up, every time I get in my car I fucking pray someone crashes into me and kills me. I can't do it myself so I just desperately hope someone or something else does it for me. Right now I'm waiting for my roommate to leave so I can go CTB without her getting suspicious. I wish I could just do it here.
My plan was to park at a big abandoned parking garage in my city but lately I'm kinda thinking of just driving west until my tank runs out and doing it wherever i end up. No turning back then. Wont bring my phone or money with. Just drive until my tank is empty and see where i land. Idk. A large thing that feeds my SI is what will happen after, even if i know im not around to worry about or deal with it. I dont want people going through my shit. I dont want a funeral. I dont want people whove always hated my guts and treated me like shit to act as if they knew me. I dont want my abuser anywhere near me. I dont want to be misgendered. I don't want to be deadnamed. I dont want to hurt my siblings. Lately im more and more just not giving a shit. Ive been telling myself "therell be a horrible ugly funeral, my dad and all his horrible friends and my abuser will go through my stuff and act like they cared about me and loved me, my siblings will be ruined, good, i hope that all happens, i dont care, it's going to happen no matter what, good, i dont care"...
So the realization from that, something that I've always felt, since I was very small, is that I need to CTB, and I've always always always felt that, I've never in my life not thought about it and wanted it and wished for it. Now I know that feeling that has always been here is the natural answer to my body deep down knowing there's no hope of ever not feeling this way and that CTB is the only way to fix it. My options are keep being alive as the most miserable useless stupid lazy person everyone who knows me has ever met, or escape from this hell.
The main problem is I can't take the merciful and easy and optimal route and escape. I don't have what it takes because again I am lazy, stupid, weak, and a coward. If I could... I mean hell, if it was possible for me to CTB it would have happened years ago, but even just leaving that alone certainly would have happened a couple months ago. I've had this SN for 2 months now and I've planned to CTB every single night and never can. I can never fucking do it. If I could do it at home maybe it'd be easier but I can't so part of it is getting in the car and going somewhere. Once again today I plan to do it but I doubt today will be the day, after all these other previous days that were supposed to be the day.
So. Yeah. That's all. I'm stuck. That's the great truth I've been enlightened to now. It can't get better. But I can't escape it. I'm stuck here suffering every day, unable to breathe with the weight of how awful I feel every day, when I'm not a zombie I'm breaking down, when I'm not breaking down I'm a zombie. I got a job and put myself through 4 days of it and it was hell and I've been feeling so much worse and today I just didn't go. I hope today is the day but yesterday was the day too.
Imma just rant in my own thread. Fuck it. I never post here and I always feel like shit when people respond to my stupid posts because I'm stupid. I've never been ok and I'll never be ok or "get better." I've never been my real self and I'll never be who I really am. I've never been financially stable and I never will, I've never known what to do with my life and I never will, I've never felt good or passionate about life or work and I never will, I've never been able to handle any job I've ever had and it literally does not matter what job I get, it will never be ok, I will never be able to handle any of it because of who I am, weak lazy stupid afraid selfish avoidant coward... I've never had a meaningful, true, deep, real connection with another human, and I never will. Every single night I fucking pray I don't wake up, every time I get in my car I fucking pray someone crashes into me and kills me. I can't do it myself so I just desperately hope someone or something else does it for me. Right now I'm waiting for my roommate to leave so I can go CTB without her getting suspicious. I wish I could just do it here.
My plan was to park at a big abandoned parking garage in my city but lately I'm kinda thinking of just driving west until my tank runs out and doing it wherever i end up. No turning back then. Wont bring my phone or money with. Just drive until my tank is empty and see where i land. Idk. A large thing that feeds my SI is what will happen after, even if i know im not around to worry about or deal with it. I dont want people going through my shit. I dont want a funeral. I dont want people whove always hated my guts and treated me like shit to act as if they knew me. I dont want my abuser anywhere near me. I dont want to be misgendered. I don't want to be deadnamed. I dont want to hurt my siblings. Lately im more and more just not giving a shit. Ive been telling myself "therell be a horrible ugly funeral, my dad and all his horrible friends and my abuser will go through my stuff and act like they cared about me and loved me, my siblings will be ruined, good, i hope that all happens, i dont care, it's going to happen no matter what, good, i dont care"...
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