Venting Hit my head, feel crazy, still want drugs. Nothing gets better.

[notmyusername]

I've hit my head. My balance was impaired by the DXM and I whacked it hard while trying to get on a bike. Ever since I have been confused and getting high off my vape gives me euphoria no longer, I start experiencing symptoms of psychosis and forgetting my past more and more.

I gave the last of my drugs to my boyfriend to try and quit. I often forget why I did that. I still just crave it all the time and feel like looking for them or asking them where they are. Where did he throw them out?

I've been texting people weird things. Stuff about paranormal activity making me want to kill myself, feeling haunted, not remembering things. And then right after I feel fine and forget what I was rambling about and don't want or care to continue. My boyfriend is worried. I'm worried when I can be. Don't wanna go to the psych ward though especially if this is not full blown psychosis all the time. But I'm addicted to smoking even though it does this to me. I am chasing the euphoria, the dragon. I need something better. I need some E pills. I keep forgetting smoking makes me like this and I have to give my brain a rest.

I feel myself slowly slipping away pretty much. Yesterday I said I was a vegetarian and I was joking I think but then I got confused and said yeah that I am a vegetarian now and have always felt that way. My boyfriend looked at me a little worried so I stopped and just ate my food.

I need my stuff man. I don't want to think or feel this way. I don't want my head to feel weird anymore. I got a huge bump. It's deformed looking for fucks sake. I just want to die. I already ruined my brain at this young age. Is it anxiety or what? I want to unplug, my drugs did that. I need them. I need them again. It'll kill me though, this habit is going to leave me braindead or dead dead and not in the way I want or plan. Idk if I should tell him that I feel like I need my stuff. People are tired of this shit, I gotta deal with this on my own and control myself, they can't do it for me.

All I want is my stuff. Can't express it enough. Wanna go digging in whatever dumpster he threw it in. I was eating pills off a public bathroom floor when I dropped them. Didn't care. You'll do some dirty things, you can't waste that stuff. I need every bit of it to get myself where I wanna be. And even then, it's not enough. My tolerance has clearly built up. I need close to a gram to get to where I want to be now. Each time. Almost everyday. And on top of that I mix it with benadryl. Sometimes my chest hurts.

Fuck. Put me out of my misery please. Somebody. Or tell me how to do it myself. Where can I hang myself? I don't have a good place.

 

[banger12]

Hello. First, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Second, I think it's worth considering that your drugs are probably the culprit, or at least a major factor in, what is happening to you. Even weed can induce psychosis nowadays given how potent it is. I think that this mixed with the fact that you probably sustained a serious concussion, and that instead of allowing it to heal you're throwing more drugs into your brain, probably isn't good and can probably do a lot of crazy shit to a person (excuse my language). Although I have my own (mostly negstive) opinions about psych units, I think you should go. At least give it a chance, especially since you're describing psychotic symptoms. And temporary/episodic psychosis is still enough to warrant talking to a doc.

 

[IBM0000]

Hello. First, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Second, I think it's worth considering that your drugs are probably the culprit, or at least a major factor in, what is happening to you. Even weed can induce psychosis nowadays given how potent it is. I think that this mixed with the fact that you probably sustained a serious concussion, and that instead of allowing it to heal you're throwing more drugs into your brain, probably isn't good and can probably do a lot of crazy shit to a person (excuse my language). Although I have my own (mostly negstive) opinions about psych units, I think you should go. At least give it a chance, especially since you're describing psychotic symptoms. And temporary/episodic psychosis is still enough to warrant talking to a doc.

Maybe I wouldnt do that. I do think you have to tell your boyfriend. Drugs must be hell, but...It'd probably be equally as hellish to lose someone to suicide. Someone so close and meaningful. You have to do it. You have to work through this together. If not, you won't ever plan out the way you want to die. It'll be drugs that take you and that honestly just fucking suck.