angryoceanlover
Member
- Mar 15, 2024
- 21
Hi, i am in a really bad spot right now, and im waiting for my beta blocker to kick in so i can calm down. I have to return to work before the sun goes down. I dont think i am going to recover, and i dont have any one to talk to. I dont want to ctb, because i dont want to break my best friends heart, he lives all the way in russia… im so sorry about this post being so disorganized.
I want to start off by saying i am 20 years old, i live with my ex and and his mother lives with us. I made some pretty bad choices after i turned 18, and i put all of my money towards building a life with my ex, knowing he is racist, an addict, and just not that great of a person in general. I became broke, and needed to do anything to make money really really fast ( i dont have a car or anything) so now i am literally a porn star, which is fine, i dont mind my line of work at all. This job has given me a chance at life, and a chance for me to provide a good life for my cats too.
I am finally starting to make a lot of money, and becoming really successful. But i fear that i can't hold on any longer, its like my body is constantly trying to take itself out. I have really bad ptsd, and i do take medication, but there is ultimately no cure. I will most likely feel this way forever. I am so tired of reliving the same traumatic incidents every day, and its gotten to the point where if i am not working, i am hiding under my desk praying for something to take me out.
I really love plants, i have so many of them. I love my cats very much too. I just wanted at least one person to know that..not to be selfish or narcissistic or anything. they are the only things that have kept me going for this long. I just dont wanna be remembered for being suicidal all the time, or always being in a crisis or some shit. I appreciate every single one of you on here, and i wish i could hold on just a bit longer. You all deserve much more than you were given!! Thank you if you read this far!!!
I want to start off by saying i am 20 years old, i live with my ex and and his mother lives with us. I made some pretty bad choices after i turned 18, and i put all of my money towards building a life with my ex, knowing he is racist, an addict, and just not that great of a person in general. I became broke, and needed to do anything to make money really really fast ( i dont have a car or anything) so now i am literally a porn star, which is fine, i dont mind my line of work at all. This job has given me a chance at life, and a chance for me to provide a good life for my cats too.
I am finally starting to make a lot of money, and becoming really successful. But i fear that i can't hold on any longer, its like my body is constantly trying to take itself out. I have really bad ptsd, and i do take medication, but there is ultimately no cure. I will most likely feel this way forever. I am so tired of reliving the same traumatic incidents every day, and its gotten to the point where if i am not working, i am hiding under my desk praying for something to take me out.
I really love plants, i have so many of them. I love my cats very much too. I just wanted at least one person to know that..not to be selfish or narcissistic or anything. they are the only things that have kept me going for this long. I just dont wanna be remembered for being suicidal all the time, or always being in a crisis or some shit. I appreciate every single one of you on here, and i wish i could hold on just a bit longer. You all deserve much more than you were given!! Thank you if you read this far!!!
