Story High anxiety today

[GarageKarate07]

I have orientation this afternoon. Its a simple formality for about 3 hrs. Couldn't be easier. I have not seen or spoken to another person in months. I know nothing "bad" will happen but my paranoia is very high. I don't like or trust people. I fear the amazon guy. I dont get it. They will most likely give me a bill for work clothes, talk about scheduling, shift changes. All these have been gone over in previous contacts. Even those were hard. A few phone calls and interviews. They seem nice and the work is really good and really easy for me.
So I'm dreading the time as it passes and I feel like it's just one big panic attack. I feel a surface, I smell an item, I say out loud how good my day was. It only helps so much. I hate this feeling. It only goes away when I'm sleeping or it seems that way. Sometimes it goes away when im knee deep in work or house chores but its only temporary. Its so draining. Like I have no energy after sleeping really well and feeling tired after only a few hours. Not that anyone could tell because I speak loudly and I'm very kind to people because I try not to bring sadness to thier day just because I feel hurt. CBD seems to help a little to keep the edge off. I wish I could get this feeling to go away. I wish a could meet a person that would make it go away or find a job that made me so happy I would just start to "heal". Sadly as I said I trust nobody. Hurt over and over. Obviously I hope CTB would fix it. I guess venting helps a little also. Hope is a bitch.

 

[WornOutLife]

As long as it helps you, vent as much as you want, my friend.

I was really anxious this mornng too. I just couldn't turn off my brain and had 181717 thoughts on my mind!

 

[GarageKarate07]

As long as it helps you, vent as much as you want, my friend.

I was really anxious this mornng too. I just couldn't turn off my brain and had 181717 thoughts on my mind!

I screwed that all up. I wrote down the time and date and the few items I would need like ID cash and my work papers. All week I waited for just this orientation. I told myself it was at 9pm. So I took a nap and set my alarm for 8pm. I got up and had all my things by the door. The paper said it started at 5pm and ended at 930pm. So I slept right through it. I went down anyway to see if the instructor was there to explain what happened but there was nobody there. I wonder if I was the only person who signed up or the class was short. I also wonder if it was self sabotage to get myself to CTB or what. Without this job I'm homeless and wont have any income. I feel so stupid. All I had to do was be more prepared but I didn't. Ive been inside for about 4 months. Not because of isolation but im tired of being in the outside world. Everything seems to be falling apart and I wonder if the world is doing it on purpose to get me to leave like peeling away all my reasons to stay or parting the seas for my voyage to the afterlife. I have multiple methods that I've gathered for years. I dont want to go but I am ill and I'm so tired of being here. I dont know if I feel relieved or if I feel worse. I can't believe I screwed that appointment up.