Venting Hi, I'm new. I'd like to vent about my life. (CW: Rape/Homophobia/Ableism/Abuse)

[mew]

I'm a woman in my 20s. So much things have fallen apart.

Being molested was one of my earliest memories, at such a young age I've become impure.

Later on in life I was raped, assaulted, and so much more. I've been defiled so much throughout my life, even online I was groomed and manipulated constantly all because I didn't know any better. Doing anything sexual feels horrible because of it, I can't take the sensation of people being forced onto me out of my mind.

School wasn't a safe haven, I was treated horribly and humiliated by staff and was forced into isolation constantly. I had to deal with even racism and I didn't really have friends.

I would have to go to school with bumps on my face from being beat as well, but no one cared.

I've been treated poorly because my sexuality and I recently lost my girlfriend who I loved deeply, she made me so happy.

I've used drugs and alcohol to cope about everything, attempted suicide twice, lost the love of my life, and now after all this time, nothing has gotten better.

I'm physically disabled now due to terrible conditions that leaves me bedridden constantly. I also deal with ableism because of it, I'm made fun of and I can't stomach all the looks I get in public, I've had to avoid some places because the harassment.

I've cried myself to sleep constantly due to everything, staring at my ceiling unable to do anything.

Everything is just fucked. I'm a game developer who's somewhat known around certain circles, its the only thing I really have going for me. Once my projects/obligations are done I'm going to commit suicide. I want to die so much, I can't take anything anymore.

I'm new here and I hope my presence doesn't cause any issues, I've already gotten the run down on rules, etc, so no need to point me towards any direction in regards to that.

Thank you for reading.

 

[gaeulfeels]

Omg i'm so sorry you didn't deserve this. I can relate to you sm, i'm really sorry. I hope things get better to you

 

[mew]

Omg i'm so sorry you didn't deserve this. I can relate to you sm, i'm really sorry. I hope things get better to you

Thank you for your kind words. I hope whatever lead you to this place is something you can overcome as well.

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

It upsets me to hear that not only have you been mistreated, but many people don't even seem to care or do anything about it. A lot of abuse sadly happens in front of others, even others who were expected to do something, and oftentimes they ignore it at best or insult you about it themselves.

You deserved better than being this cruel world's punching bag.

Curious to hear about the game you're working on if you're okay with sharing.

 

[mew]

It upsets me to hear that not only have you been mistreated, but many people don't even seem to care or do anything about it. A lot of abuse sadly happens in front of others, even others who were expected to do something, and oftentimes they ignore it at best or insult you about it themselves.

Curious to hear about the game you're working on if you're okay with sharing.

Yeah, I've learned that it's a lonely world out there.

As for the game, I'm somewhat hesitant to share. I don't wanna really link my professional work to this, and I also don't wanna turn this into a platform for self promotion especially in such a pitiful context such as venting. Regardless I'm thankful for your understanding.

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

Yeah, I've learned that it's a lonely world out there.

As for the game, I'm somewhat hesitant to share. I don't wanna really link my professional work to this, and I also don't wanna turn this into a platform for self promotion especially in such a pitiful context such as venting. Regardless I'm thankful for your understanding.

That's fair, either way, hope your game development goes well. Just a fan of gaming stuff myself and got excited lol.

Best of luck with it and handling the pain life throws your way.

 

[mew]

That's fair, either way, hope your game development goes well. Just a fan of gaming stuff myself and got excited lol.

Best of luck with it and handling the pain life throws your way.

Thank you, sincerely. I'm new here so if we get to know each other, in due time I'd privately share it maybe.

 

[FuneralCry]

That just sounds so horrific what you've had to endure, I really hate this hellish world that causes people to suffer so much. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Meretricious]

Being molested was one of my earliest memories, at such a young age I've become impure.

Later on in life I was raped, assaulted, and so much more. I've been defiled so much throughout my life, even online I was groomed and manipulated constantly all because I didn't know any better. Doing anything sexual feels horrible because of it, I can't take the sensation of people being forced onto me out of my mind.

As a victim of both molestation and rape myself, on multiple occasions... this hits home. I'm saddened that we can relate in this way. My sexual trauma has caused issues in every aspect of my life, and I've grown up to become a leftover human.

Something about being repeatedly sexually assaulted and traumatized makes me think I'm some sort of magnet for depraved people. It also truly makes it seem like I deserved the interaction(s) and that I must be doing something horribly wrong, that allows people to harm me in such a physical, violent way.

I hope you find peace. You've had a wild ride. You need some rest and the actual meaning of freedom.

 

[CTB Dream]

V sry this rly cruel many thing have many way sffr this rly cruel species molest rpae make fun raci do all awful, this v cruel v sry no help no any. Hope game fun make hope peace hug

 

[mew]

That just sounds so horrific what you've had to endure, I really hate this hellish world that causes people to suffer so much. But anyway I wish you the best.

The world is cruel. And thank you, I wish you the best as well.

Something about being repeatedly sexually assaulted and traumatized makes me think I'm some sort of magnet for depraved people. It also truly makes it seem like I deserved the interaction(s) and that I must be doing something horribly wrong, that allows people to harm me in such a physical, violent way.

It's broken me, but I do hope it can mean something from one victim to another that it isn't your fault. There's nothing wrong with you for having to have gone through such terrible things. It's unfair, and not everyone is strong enough to bear with it such as myself, but I do wanna at least let you know that you're not at fault for said things. It's not our fault horrible people want to hurt others. Growing up I was manipulated into thinking everything was my fault, especially from a religious context, so I understand the pain of self blame. I hope for nothing but the best for you.

V sry this rly cruel many thing have many way sffr this rly cruel species molest rpae make fun raci do all awful, this v cruel v sry no help no any. Hope game fun make hope peace hug

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[Meretricious]

It's broken me, but I do hope it can mean something from one victim to another that it isn't your fault. There's nothing wrong with you for having to have gone through such terrible things. It's unfair, and not everyone is strong enough to bear with it such as myself, but I do wanna at least let you know that you're not at fault for said things. It's not our fault horrible people want to hurt others. Growing up I was manipulated into thinking everything was my fault, especially from a religious context, so I understand the pain of self blame. I hope for nothing but the best for you.

I don't think the English language has words to describe the ways in which sexual trauma has negatively impacted one's life. I've been abused in every possible way - emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. I have trust issues and I genuinely do not believe that people mostly have good intentions. I think most people are out for themselves.

Having sex/Intercourse/Penetration (coercively or consensually) only falsely bonded me to and with people who just wanted a hole to fuck and time to kill. No one has sex with you because they love and/or care about you. They have sex with you so THEY can orgasm and release their own tensions; you're merely a recipient of their selfish desires and releases.

Thank-you for the reassurance that none of these acts of violence were my fault, nor were they deserved. Life sure has a way of showing me I did, in fact, deserve those things and they are my fault, indeed. Emotions are powerful and sometimes suck, too.

How have you coped with things in your life thus far? I know you mentioned using substances to deal with things, but was curious if there were other copes you have.

 

[mew]

I don't think the English language has words to describe the ways in which sexual trauma has negatively impacted one's life. I've been abused in every possible way - emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. I have trust issues and I genuinely do not believe that people mostly have good intentions. I think most people are out for themselves.

Having sex/Intercourse/Penetration (coercively or consensually) only falsely bonded me to and with people who just wanted a hole to fuck and time to kill. No one has sex with you because they love and/or care about you. They have sex with you so THEY can orgasm and release their own tensions; you're merely a recipient of their selfish desires and releases.

Thank-you for the reassurance that none of these acts of violence were my fault, nor were they deserved. Life sure has a way of showing me I did, in fact, deserve those things and they are my fault, indeed. Emotions are powerful and sometimes suck, too.

How have you coped with things in your life thus far? I know you mentioned using substances to deal with things, but was curious if there were other copes you have.

This struck a cord with me. I definitely do get what you mean as someone who's suffered basically every type of abuse in the book, I've often dissociated a lot during any form of intimacy because of it.

As for how I've coped, I guess it's been really embracing the idea that while its unfair, none of it was really my fault. Focusing on things I have immediate agency in really helped with how I viewed myself in general, which tangentially helped me cope with sexual trauma better even if it was just in ways that took my mind off of it and such.

Sorry for the vagueness, it's just a really nuanced thing that everyone can help differently. I hope for nothing but the best with you overcoming your problems.

I know you mentioned using substances to deal with things, but was curious if there were other copes you have.

To add onto this, I wouldn't recommend drugs. I've tried to stay clear from alcohol/drugs as they made things a lot more painful for me, but I still sometimes nearly slip since I'm wired to wanna just numb/high my pains away. It only makes living harder as not only do you live with all these terrible thoughts, you often have a craving to drink/do drugs again which can tear you and others around you down.

It's a terrible thing and some of the things I've abused alone could've killed me in awful ways.

If it's even just a sliver of an idea, please don't go down that route, take it as a heartfelt and sincere warning from someone who's struggling.

 

[Meretricious]

This struck a cord with me. I definitely do get what you mean as someone who's suffered basically every type of abuse in the book, I've often dissociated a lot during any form of intimacy because of it.

As for how I've coped, I guess it's been really embracing the idea that while its unfair, none of it was really my fault. Focusing on things I have immediate agency in really helped with how I viewed myself in general, which tangentially helped me cope with sexual trauma better even if it was just in ways that took my mind off of it and such.

Sorry for the vagueness, it's just a really nuanced thing that everyone can help differently. I hope for nothing but the best with you overcoming your problems.

Intimacy is something that I do still want in my life, oddly enough. But, I do find myself avoiding it more than wanting it. Some part of me does want to know what it's like to truly be loved, desired, wanted, genuinely and reciprocally intimate with someone. People tend to bounce when things get serious and/or intimate. Oh, just me?

Even if I know something is not my fault, it's still greatly - and usually negatively - impacted my life in some way. That's where I often lose the "change your outlook" game.

To add onto this, I wouldn't recommend drugs. I've tried to stay clear from alcohol/drugs as they made things a lot more painful for me, but I still sometimes nearly slip since I'm wired to wanna just numb/high my pains away. It only makes living harder as not only do you live with all these terrible thoughts, you often have a craving to drink/do drugs again which can tear you and others around you down.

It's a terrible thing and some of the things I've abused alone could've killed me in awful ways.

If it's even just a sliver of an idea, please don't go down that route, take it as a heartfelt and sincere warning from someone who's struggling.

Oh, I know that drugs aren't the way to go. I come from a long line of addicts. I've seen first hand, how badly things can go and how much drug use destroys families. It's not pretty. I've had experiences with booze I'm not proud of; haven't had a drink since September 2019, though.

Never thought drugs would be the way to suicide. It's always an accident, right?