hi i’m new and need help

[murderousvixen]

hi i am new here! in late 2023 my friend committed suicide and we believe she was on here before she died (SN death, followed common regiments on here). weirdly i have found comfort here. i've been scrolling without an account for the past couple days but i just wanted to finally come on and meet people like me.

i am in art school currently and can't tell if i love or hate it. i have been in therapy since i was in 3rd grade and was well medicated for the past two years but here we are!

i was 426 days clean from cutting but yesterday i relapsed. it wasn't bad or deep, barely broke skin, but it felt like i was me again. for some background, the past 3 weeks i have not been doing well on keeping up on my meds and have sort of gone off the rails again.

i have been in a relationship for the past almost two years and we have recently decided to break up in the coming month. this is my first long term relationship. it was never really healthy but i became so grossly attached to it that im scared im going to ctb after this breakup. everything truly feels bleak and hopeless from here on out and i know i am young and will find someone who truly loves me some day but the pain is already overwhelming me. i am still in the relationship but am mourning it like it is over! i want to enjoy myself but i have already begun writing notes to people and looking into places to purchase SN. i don't know what i need to hear i just want someone to either tell me to grow a pair and do it or to tell me im not a failure and not everything is terrible or someone who has been through something similar to tell me how they are doing now.

my boyfriend was my lifeline, even if he was always sort of mean to me, so the idea of leaving him feels like suicide so like! why not just ctb while im at it! my friends all hate him and truthfully i sort of do too but i dont know how to live without him! i feel like ill be all alone forever. i have friends but i dont text them. i dont send them funny videos. i dont typically hangout with them after school. my whole life is my boyfriend, school, and work. i'm just so tired. i feel like im going to relapse again. i just want to be done here

 

[TheHolySword]

No one is going to tell you to do it, at least no one should. But you aren't a failure. I spent 3 years in an abusive relationship and when I ended things I also thought it was the end. Now I'm here and ready to CTB but that's not related, it's just where I am in life. I don't know how old you are but you seem young. You do still have time, it does not have to be the end if you don't want it to be. Continue therapy, talk to your friends, go out after work. Build a life outside of him. Things can get better, I can't promise they will but they can. If you aren't ready, if you aren't certain, then don't choose something permanent. I highly advise that you check out the recovery section, there are better resources and and the people there want to get better, too - you will likely find better support there (not that you can't find it in this section, but people here are primarily concerned with wanting to CTB). I understand your fears and pain, but you don't have to be done yet. It's okay to keep going. I believe in you, I think you can still find your peace in this life

 

[StarCaller'sStaff]

Welcome to the community! I hope you find confort reading and chatting in here.

Congratulations on the 426 days you remained clean, that is a very impressive record, and I am proud. Relapsing does not invalidate the effort you spent restraining yourself. I hope you can stay strong and reach 426 days once again, and then more.

I understand greatly the feelings of desperation a break-up can have, and I want to tell you that these feelings are not permanent. They're the equivalent of an emotional kick to the stomach, the pain is nauseating, and it will last for a while, but it will dissipate. Please, I ask that you don't decide on anything impulsively, as much as it hurts to stay living now, I ask that you try to push trough. You can only take your own life once, it's permanent. Think carefully if now truly is the right time for it.

New people come into your life often unexpectedly. Just as you are ending your bond with your boyfriend, someone new may be just around the corner. Someone who will treat you better, who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. With love, and with kindness.

I wish you good luck in your endeavors. There is nothing shameful in feeling the way you are now, you are wonderful and I'm glad you've kept being alive.

 

[murderousvixen]

No one is going to tell you to do it, at least no one should. But you aren't a failure. I spent 3 years in an abusive relationship and when I ended things I also thought it was the end. Now I'm here and ready to CTB but that's not related, it's just where I am in life. I don't know how old you are but you seem young. You do still have time, it does not have to be the end if you don't want it to be. Continue therapy, talk to your friends, go out after work. Build a life outside of him. Things can get better, I can't promise they will but they can. If you aren't ready, if you aren't certain, then don't choose something permanent. I highly advise that you check out the recovery section, there are better resources and and the people there want to get better, too - you will likely find better support there (not that you can't find it in this section, but people here are primarily concerned with wanting to CTB). I understand your fears and pain, but you don't have to be done yet. It's okay to keep going. I believe in you, I think you can still find your peace in this life

thank you so much, i do think i am technically able to find peace in this life but i just dont know how willing i am if that makes sense? you are right i am still young but i still feel like ive lived through enough and can see my way out now! and thank you for the reminder on the section stuff im still a little slow when it comes to this website, i spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to post that thread….. thank you for your kind words, they do help, i just have to learn to be willing to struggle through this world to get to somewhere i can be truly happy again. i do hope the same for you! as much as i am sort of always on the fence about ctb, i could never wish or imagine someone else going through it, i understand if you have made your peace but i hope you are able to at least live the next few parts of your life to the fullest!

 

[MetroPunk]

I am a person who emotionally self destructs when a relationship ends for me. Doesn't even have to be a gf/bf situation, losing a friend hits me almost as hard. But that really does come to an end after a point. Sometimes affect me worse than others, but it does always end. You'll be better off without using your current boyfriend as a crutch and it will open you up to the next person you're going to fall in love with. Telling a person to grow a pair is nonsense you're feeling how you feel and ignoring it just brings worse issues. I've posted this like three times already today but I relapsed and cut myself after probably a decade of not doing it, and I did it too deep and scared the hell out of myself because I know have this open wound on my leg, and it's definitely going to end up infected. But I plan on putting another ten years between this time and the next time I do it, if I ever do it again at all. I think you're already doing what you're supposed to be doing. You're reaching out to other people in any way you can and that is a beautiful thing. I write this as much for myself as for you, because it definitely is easier to write stuff like "you can get through this" than it is to actually get through this, but I do hope you give yourself some time to see how this all plays out for yourself. Nothing is sadder to me than a young person who doesn't want to be here anymore.

 

[TheHolySword]

thank you so much, i do think i am technically able to find peace in this life but i just dont know how willing i am if that makes sense? you are right i am still young but i still feel like ive lived through enough and can see my way out now! and thank you for the reminder on the section stuff im still a little slow when it comes to this website, i spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to post that thread….. thank you for your kind words, they do help, i just have to learn to be willing to struggle through this world to get to somewhere i can be truly happy again. i do hope the same for you! as much as i am sort of always on the fence about ctb, i could never wish or imagine someone else going through it, i understand if you have made your peace but i hope you are able to at least live the next few parts of your life to the fullest!

If you need someone to talk to as you process everything feel free to DM me. I know how hard navigating something like this can be, I've lived through similar. I would rather see someone make it off this site for a reason other than death if they can do so. I'll be here for a few months yet, so don't be afraid to message if it's something you feel may help. I'm not perfect by any means but I'll be here. And don't feel obligated to talk if you aren't up for it or aren't comfortable talking to a stranger, I won't be offended, I only want to offer what support I can

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

hi i am new here! in late 2023 my friend committed suicide and we believe she was on here before she died (SN death, followed common regiments on here). weirdly i have found comfort here. i've been scrolling without an account for the past couple days but i just wanted to finally come on and meet people like me.

i am in art school currently and can't tell if i love or hate it. i have been in therapy since i was in 3rd grade and was well medicated for the past two years but here we are!

i was 426 days clean from cutting but yesterday i relapsed. it wasn't bad or deep, barely broke skin, but it felt like i was me again. for some background, the past 3 weeks i have not been doing well on keeping up on my meds and have sort of gone off the rails again.

i have been in a relationship for the past almost two years and we have recently decided to break up in the coming month. this is my first long term relationship. it was never really healthy but i became so grossly attached to it that im scared im going to ctb after this breakup. everything truly feels bleak and hopeless from here on out and i know i am young and will find someone who truly loves me some day but the pain is already overwhelming me. i am still in the relationship but am mourning it like it is over! i want to enjoy myself but i have already begun writing notes to people and looking into places to purchase SN. i don't know what i need to hear i just want someone to either tell me to grow a pair and do it or to tell me im not a failure and not everything is terrible or someone who has been through something similar to tell me how they are doing now.

my boyfriend was my lifeline, even if he was always sort of mean to me, so the idea of leaving him feels like suicide so like! why not just ctb while im at it! my friends all hate him and truthfully i sort of do too but i dont know how to live without him! i feel like ill be all alone forever. i have friends but i dont text them. i dont send them funny videos. i dont typically hangout with them after school. my whole life is my boyfriend, school, and work. i'm just so tired. i feel like im going to relapse again. i just want to be done here

Hi, sorry for this odd welcome party invitation. I'm not the best at writing one, but I know how scary it is, one, to rely on people and just know that with your relapse, it's completely understandable. I recently relapsed back into my self isolation mode because life is deeply unbearable. I'll say with the others who did a better response towards how situation and giving yourself some time, hear them first and decide later if you will still do what they ask of you, as dying at whatever age... And I don't know how you got here with your age — if you are underage that is, but I wish you the best to prioritize feeding and fueling your soul with some loving self care and self nurturing even if art school may not be the right step. I know the feeling of caring about someone enough to want everything from them, especially when it comes to... boys , but know if you love him enough yet you're aware of your friends opinion of him, think to yourself first if its a good place to place yourself in for the long run, especially if it comes to him hurting you or them, unless he's doing it out of self respect for you. In all, you will need healing and you would like recovery on here, and I hope you channel all of your energy and mind ones you are certain this is what you want. All is well <3

If you need someone to talk to as you process everything feel free to DM me. I know how hard navigating something like this can be, I've lived through similar. I would rather see someone make it off this site for a reason other than death if they can do so. I'll be here for a few months yet, so don't be afraid to message if it's something you feel may help. I'm not perfect by any means but I'll be here. And don't feel obligated to talk if you aren't up for it or aren't comfortable talking to a stranger, I won't be offended, I only want to offer what support I can

I can be an alley in this department! :)

 

[murderousvixen]

I am a person who emotionally self destructs when a relationship ends for me. Doesn't even have to be a gf/bf situation, losing a friend hits me almost as hard. But that really does come to an end after a point. Sometimes affect me worse than others, but it does always end. You'll be better off without using your current boyfriend as a crutch and it will open you up to the next person you're going to fall in love with. Telling a person to grow a pair is nonsense you're feeling how you feel and ignoring it just brings worse issues. I've posted this like three times already today but I relapsed and cut myself after probably a decade of not doing it, and I did it too deep and scared the hell out of myself because I know have this open wound on my leg, and it's definitely going to end up infected. But I plan on putting another ten years between this time and the next time I do it, if I ever do it again at all. I think you're already doing what you're supposed to be doing. You're reaching out to other people in any way you can and that is a beautiful thing. I write this as much for myself as for you, because it definitely is easier to write stuff like "you can get through this" than it is to actually get through this, but I do hope you give yourself some time to see how this all plays out for yourself. Nothing is sadder to me than a young person who doesn't want to be here anymore.

thank you. even if i dont know the ins and outs of your attachment style, its nice knowing there are people like me. all my friends really do try their best to help in this situation but none of them understand how deeply this is hurting me. i'm sorry it had to get to the point where you are able to write that this has happened a couple times but in a strange way it is comforting knowing that at least someone out there has gone through this a couple times and has been able to pick themselves back up! being on the younger side in this situation really sucks because on one hand the world is telling you you are in your prime and should revel in this new freedom but no one seems to understand that this feels like a life or death situation! i think you are right and that this hurt will end, it's just so incredibly intense that i don't know how to get through it but i guess the best i can do is try and let time heal me up a bit! thank you so much
i wish the best for the both of us
(i hope your leg is ok in the end, not very helpful as this is common knowledge but you can get some fatass bandaids at cvs and see if you can heal it up a bit!!)

If you need someone to talk to as you process everything feel free to DM me. I know how hard navigating something like this can be, I've lived through similar. I would rather see someone make it off this site for a reason other than death if they can do so. I'll be here for a few months yet, so don't be afraid to message if it's something you feel may help. I'm not perfect by any means but I'll be here. And don't feel obligated to talk if you aren't up for it or aren't comfortable talking to a stranger, I won't be offended, I only want to offer what support I can

If you need someone to talk to as you process everything feel free to DM me. I know how hard navigating something like this can be, I've lived through similar. I would rather see someone make it off this site for a reason other than death if they can do so. I'll be here for a few months yet, so don't be afraid to message if it's something you feel may help. I'm not perfect by any means but I'll be here. And don't feel obligated to talk if you aren't up for it or aren't comfortable talking to a stranger, I won't be offended, I only want to offer what support I can

had another moment of struggle on this website. still very new. but it appears i still have not posted enough to dm but i would truly love to reach out. i need someone who is relatively unbiased to help me through this. i will keep you in my mind and reach out when the site allows! thank you so much, i really do need someone to talk to

 

[emptinessdancing]

hi i am new here! in late 2023 my friend committed suicide and we believe she was on here before she died (SN death, followed common regiments on here). weirdly i have found comfort here. i've been scrolling without an account for the past couple days but i just wanted to finally come on and meet people like me.

i am in art school currently and can't tell if i love or hate it. i have been in therapy since i was in 3rd grade and was well medicated for the past two years but here we are!

i was 426 days clean from cutting but yesterday i relapsed. it wasn't bad or deep, barely broke skin, but it felt like i was me again. for some background, the past 3 weeks i have not been doing well on keeping up on my meds and have sort of gone off the rails again.

i have been in a relationship for the past almost two years and we have recently decided to break up in the coming month. this is my first long term relationship. it was never really healthy but i became so grossly attached to it that im scared im going to ctb after this breakup. everything truly feels bleak and hopeless from here on out and i know i am young and will find someone who truly loves me some day but the pain is already overwhelming me. i am still in the relationship but am mourning it like it is over! i want to enjoy myself but i have already begun writing notes to people and looking into places to purchase SN. i don't know what i need to hear i just want someone to either tell me to grow a pair and do it or to tell me im not a failure and not everything is terrible or someone who has been through something similar to tell me how they are doing now.

my boyfriend was my lifeline, even if he was always sort of mean to me, so the idea of leaving him feels like suicide so like! why not just ctb while im at it! my friends all hate him and truthfully i sort of do too but i dont know how to live without him! i feel like ill be all alone forever. i have friends but i dont text them. i dont send them funny videos. i dont typically hangout with them after school. my whole life is my boyfriend, school, and work. i'm just so tired. i feel like im going to relapse again. i just want to be done here

Hey you, I am new here too. This is honestly only my second post ever on here, after lurking for at least a year. I am sorry to hear of your friend, and also, I genuinely hope they found whatever peace the were looking for. Listen, I do not know you and you do not know me--- but I truly feel like if you are here looking for justification either way on whether or not you should CTB then maybe---- just maybe---- dont. Reach out to me if you want to talk. I presume, being that you said you are still in school, that you may have so much more life in front of you. I am MANY years removed from school-aged relationships but trust me when I tell you---you are probably so much BETTER off without them. Rid your mind of who you are with them and start to envision a life without them and then decide how you want to move forward. Something about your post made me feel compelled to respond. If you feel you are done here, I respect it. But if you feel you have anything left after this "guy', I might say you are not totally wrong. in fact I might say you should TRUST THAT and see what happens. Reach out if you need to. <3

 

[Zaphkiel]

426? Impressive.

Also, welcome here.
Feel free to ask anything, in thread, or in DM to member you find trustworthy.

Going on to your specific case, breakups hurts. There is no denying it. They do because they were something special, so in the grand scheme of thing you have to think of them has an experience that brought you insights about what to do / not do, who to be with and who to NOT be with.
In your case i'm sure it gaves you plenty of experience about those, and getting the jackpot boyfriend wise on the first try is like the lottery. But now, you know a bit better how to better filter people who wont make a good relation ship, and your advancing at your own pace.

It's what life is about! So dont get too much attached to this : it's not worth CTB about it, you deserve another relation ship, wich will make you much much happier! <3