greyblue_bian
2x Failed CTB Member
- Jun 10, 2022
- 184
I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to socialize with people outside of my family and my (sometimes) one "friend". Speaking of my sometimes friend, I've made an effort to stop being desperate and cut communication with them because they only talk to me when they don't have anyone else better to talk to and have completely ignored me in the middle of our conversations when one of their friends starts talking to them when I'm around and then they just leave without saying anything to me. I'm not sure why I felt like I could tell this person my trauma (and they told me theirs) and somehow, it means something. Obviously, it was because I was lonely and desperate to have some friends.
Recently, (about 2 weeks ago now), I decided to get an app that will help you meet new people online as I'm terrible at socializing and maintaining healthy relationships both online and in real life. I had just got a really nice haircut a day or two before downloading it and I decided to take some photos of myself to put on my profile. A lot of other people seemed to think they were nice too and I got a lot of attention from a lot of people that didn't want friends, but just wanted to hook up with me. Maybe that is all I'm really good for but honestly, I wanted to keep trying to find someone. I would message people I saw with similar interests, people that were kind of cute, and I even messaged some of the people that had messaged me first to see if they would actually talk to me. It didn't work out much, and everything was short-lived and I knew they usually wanted something else from me. It reminded of a guy online I was talking to 3-4 years back. It was bad, and I think that's why I'm a bit weary of older guys (mainly just 1-3 years older) on the internet, as I've only been treated badly by guys on and offline.
So, eventually, I did find some guy that said he liked anime and I asked him for some recommendations for me to watch. I did want to try for the last time to see if I could become friends with someone and this time it went well, I gave him my number so we could talk off the app since I don't have social media anymore, and we talked on there. I made a Discord, and we've been talking on there for about 2 days now.
I think the problem is is that he doesn't seem to want to talk anymore, and I'm too scared to ask. He'll either get mad (as he has expressed he's had infidelity issues with women in the past) and say I'm being dumb, or he'll just stop talking to me altogether. I'm just getting a bit tired of having to start the conversation and keep making desperate attempts at keeping the talking going. I don't know how to get into deeper conversation especially since he doesn't seem to want to. I probably should have just kept my other "friend's" number to pretend like I do still have someone to talk to.
On top of that, things with my family still aren't going good, and I could say things with my mom and I have really gotten worse and I no longer know what to do. I think I will just keep being that piece of shit that I am and keep being desperate.
I'm really tired of being scared to be alone, because I used to be alone all the time and now that I've gotten a taste of what it feels like to have a friend or two last year, it's hard to just go back to adjusting to being completely alone again.
Also, today is the 1st anniversary of my first attempt. I don't why I care about that so much, it's just disappointing a bit that I'm still here when nothing has gotten better as I thought so. That's all.
Recently, (about 2 weeks ago now), I decided to get an app that will help you meet new people online as I'm terrible at socializing and maintaining healthy relationships both online and in real life. I had just got a really nice haircut a day or two before downloading it and I decided to take some photos of myself to put on my profile. A lot of other people seemed to think they were nice too and I got a lot of attention from a lot of people that didn't want friends, but just wanted to hook up with me. Maybe that is all I'm really good for but honestly, I wanted to keep trying to find someone. I would message people I saw with similar interests, people that were kind of cute, and I even messaged some of the people that had messaged me first to see if they would actually talk to me. It didn't work out much, and everything was short-lived and I knew they usually wanted something else from me. It reminded of a guy online I was talking to 3-4 years back. It was bad, and I think that's why I'm a bit weary of older guys (mainly just 1-3 years older) on the internet, as I've only been treated badly by guys on and offline.
So, eventually, I did find some guy that said he liked anime and I asked him for some recommendations for me to watch. I did want to try for the last time to see if I could become friends with someone and this time it went well, I gave him my number so we could talk off the app since I don't have social media anymore, and we talked on there. I made a Discord, and we've been talking on there for about 2 days now.
I think the problem is is that he doesn't seem to want to talk anymore, and I'm too scared to ask. He'll either get mad (as he has expressed he's had infidelity issues with women in the past) and say I'm being dumb, or he'll just stop talking to me altogether. I'm just getting a bit tired of having to start the conversation and keep making desperate attempts at keeping the talking going. I don't know how to get into deeper conversation especially since he doesn't seem to want to. I probably should have just kept my other "friend's" number to pretend like I do still have someone to talk to.
On top of that, things with my family still aren't going good, and I could say things with my mom and I have really gotten worse and I no longer know what to do. I think I will just keep being that piece of shit that I am and keep being desperate.
I'm really tired of being scared to be alone, because I used to be alone all the time and now that I've gotten a taste of what it feels like to have a friend or two last year, it's hard to just go back to adjusting to being completely alone again.
Also, today is the 1st anniversary of my first attempt. I don't why I care about that so much, it's just disappointing a bit that I'm still here when nothing has gotten better as I thought so. That's all.
