Hi! You can call me Mr Jean.
I've been lurking on this forum for what feels like years.. I want to Introduce myself , and maybe try to finally connect with people whom I've seen share the same passions and experiences as i do.
I'll preface , I don't remember always wanting to catch the bus. When my mother caught it back in 2019 .. that was the first time that I really felt such heaviness in my life. Years later, that heaviness still has not moved on from my heart. I've tried to escape it, to come to terms with it, yet no matter how I move around in this life - it's still there.
I've moved all around the country since that day , thinking maybe a change of scenery would benefit me. A change of pace and a chance of faces. I changed professions a lot too.. i even built a successful business - only to burn out years later and fully abandon everything.
That's where I'm at now.
I took what little money I had left from my company - fled California and "planned" a cross country trip to wherever my feet landed. I'm almost to the other side of the US now , I've been on the road for a week and a half.
The most freeing, and scary aspect of this , is that my friends and family have no clue where i really went. I left behind cards , and letters, to who meant the most to me. I explained in these letters i was taking a vacation up in SF for a few weeks. I told them I might come back.
I left for work in the morning - left my phone at work ( mainly because I do not want to be contacted by them and be swayed to come back ) went to get a new phone .. and headed east.
I have nothing on this phone. No phone numbers, no social media, just a GPS, my music, and bank apps so I can cry watching my money drain away lol
I'm quite young actually. I'm only 24. But jeez do i feel much older than this. I got told quite a lot that I'm an old soul. That I'm a respectable guy. That people are naturally drawn to me.
But gosh, these last 6 years have been brutal to my psyche. I can't seem to form real, genuine connections anymore when i meet people in real life. That makes me feel so horrible inside.
I've been told that i mirror people - i become a reflection of the people that i meet, and that is why everybody likes me.
And those words reaaallyy stuck to me. Because even being told this , I don't know how to change it. It seems like I can't change it. I'm just a genuine, nice person. I never treat people with malice. Even when they come at me with such contempt and malice - I let them say what they want and I resolve the situation the best I can .. or I walk away.
I am just exhausted y'all.
Yesterday, I left my lifelong best friends house because of the same issues I stated prior. Even though I've known them for literally my entire life , once I got there and spent a couple days to catch up with them .. I still had that empty feeling in my heart and in my head. They were sooooo overjoyed to see me. So so happy. And I couldn't feel anything! I had to fake it until I saw an opportunity to leave - and I did. I gave them the same explanation, that I'm on a vacation and still want to finish my journey.
I've just left out the part where this journey is to the bus. I've left it out of every letter I've wrote to everyone. I don't want to scare anyone more than I probably already have.
The fact is even I'm scared - but I've come to terms that this the way it's supposed to be. If it wasn't, I wouldn't have these thoughts and I wouldn't be so empty inside.
I believe life is all about experiences and learning lessons. So maybe, for me, for us, the bus is the final experience and lesson we must endure.
It is by far the hardest and scariest thing any human soul can do. Why else give the hardest challenge to those who are usually the strongest, most dependable people out there?
As I've said to people before, it's really a shame… because life IS beautiful. The earth, the people, (for the most part) the animals.. human creation is just beautiful. But with any type of creation, there must be acceptable in that one day it will either be destroyed, or succumb to the passage of time.
I've tried to delay the inevitable as much as I can .. but I am down to the last of my money , and the plan is to drown somewhere. No clue where, I just know I'm going out that way. Yes, it's painful, scary , but a part of me feels like I deserve that. There are some parts about me that I'm not proud of, and have tried to bury, but those ugly parts just get stronger the more I bury them… So I don't feel like I deserve an easy bus ride. Which is okay.
So… here I sit. In a Walmart parking lot , waiting for the check in time for my hotel. Which was a rip off because it's the 4th of July, and everyone is nearly booked so prices are ridiculous.
I'll happily answer any questions that you might have, and of course converse. I'll be sure to make another post for when that bus comes. All I wish for is warm water. Nothing worse than freezing AND trying to catch the bus lol..
Thank you for reading my long book,
Mr Jean
I've been lurking on this forum for what feels like years.. I want to Introduce myself , and maybe try to finally connect with people whom I've seen share the same passions and experiences as i do.
I'll preface , I don't remember always wanting to catch the bus. When my mother caught it back in 2019 .. that was the first time that I really felt such heaviness in my life. Years later, that heaviness still has not moved on from my heart. I've tried to escape it, to come to terms with it, yet no matter how I move around in this life - it's still there.
I've moved all around the country since that day , thinking maybe a change of scenery would benefit me. A change of pace and a chance of faces. I changed professions a lot too.. i even built a successful business - only to burn out years later and fully abandon everything.
That's where I'm at now.
I took what little money I had left from my company - fled California and "planned" a cross country trip to wherever my feet landed. I'm almost to the other side of the US now , I've been on the road for a week and a half.
The most freeing, and scary aspect of this , is that my friends and family have no clue where i really went. I left behind cards , and letters, to who meant the most to me. I explained in these letters i was taking a vacation up in SF for a few weeks. I told them I might come back.
I left for work in the morning - left my phone at work ( mainly because I do not want to be contacted by them and be swayed to come back ) went to get a new phone .. and headed east.
I have nothing on this phone. No phone numbers, no social media, just a GPS, my music, and bank apps so I can cry watching my money drain away lol
I'm quite young actually. I'm only 24. But jeez do i feel much older than this. I got told quite a lot that I'm an old soul. That I'm a respectable guy. That people are naturally drawn to me.
But gosh, these last 6 years have been brutal to my psyche. I can't seem to form real, genuine connections anymore when i meet people in real life. That makes me feel so horrible inside.
I've been told that i mirror people - i become a reflection of the people that i meet, and that is why everybody likes me.
And those words reaaallyy stuck to me. Because even being told this , I don't know how to change it. It seems like I can't change it. I'm just a genuine, nice person. I never treat people with malice. Even when they come at me with such contempt and malice - I let them say what they want and I resolve the situation the best I can .. or I walk away.
I am just exhausted y'all.
Yesterday, I left my lifelong best friends house because of the same issues I stated prior. Even though I've known them for literally my entire life , once I got there and spent a couple days to catch up with them .. I still had that empty feeling in my heart and in my head. They were sooooo overjoyed to see me. So so happy. And I couldn't feel anything! I had to fake it until I saw an opportunity to leave - and I did. I gave them the same explanation, that I'm on a vacation and still want to finish my journey.
I've just left out the part where this journey is to the bus. I've left it out of every letter I've wrote to everyone. I don't want to scare anyone more than I probably already have.
The fact is even I'm scared - but I've come to terms that this the way it's supposed to be. If it wasn't, I wouldn't have these thoughts and I wouldn't be so empty inside.
I believe life is all about experiences and learning lessons. So maybe, for me, for us, the bus is the final experience and lesson we must endure.
It is by far the hardest and scariest thing any human soul can do. Why else give the hardest challenge to those who are usually the strongest, most dependable people out there?
As I've said to people before, it's really a shame… because life IS beautiful. The earth, the people, (for the most part) the animals.. human creation is just beautiful. But with any type of creation, there must be acceptable in that one day it will either be destroyed, or succumb to the passage of time.
I've tried to delay the inevitable as much as I can .. but I am down to the last of my money , and the plan is to drown somewhere. No clue where, I just know I'm going out that way. Yes, it's painful, scary , but a part of me feels like I deserve that. There are some parts about me that I'm not proud of, and have tried to bury, but those ugly parts just get stronger the more I bury them… So I don't feel like I deserve an easy bus ride. Which is okay.
So… here I sit. In a Walmart parking lot , waiting for the check in time for my hotel. Which was a rip off because it's the 4th of July, and everyone is nearly booked so prices are ridiculous.
I'll happily answer any questions that you might have, and of course converse. I'll be sure to make another post for when that bus comes. All I wish for is warm water. Nothing worse than freezing AND trying to catch the bus lol..
Thank you for reading my long book,
Mr Jean
welcome to sasu 
