Venting Hi Dad... So- would you mind if I killed myself?

[Forever Sleep]

Ok- so this is a crazy post I know...

I'm sitting here after a few weeks of the same thing- a few incredibly reluctant job searches on the internet, one or two applications (that have aready been rejected or, likely will be soon,) some very brief attempts at making money online (Clickworker site- if you've heard of it? Complete con in my opinion...) But for the most part- just this awful feeling of despair that I either won't get any of these nearby jobs or even that I will- and I know pretty much (from former experience) that I will hate them. Honestly, even the thought of an interview is freaking me out (social anxiety plus a huge gain in weight- so very few decent clothes fit anymore.)

Honestly, I just don't want to do any of it! It's not like I'm even funding a life I want to live anymore. Even if I miraculously manage to survive the financial storm in my 'dream' creative, freelance job- it isn't doing for me what it used to... (Mainly why I'm spending so much time on here recently- avoiding the inevitable...)

So- that's my initial rant over with (thanks for putting up with it.) Now is the reason I am still here- my Dad. I think it would devastate him if I CTB. I feel like I have to wait for him to go first.

Still- monstrous as it sounds- I don't know how long that will be... What if I have to 'tread water' for years?!! That feels unbearable.

So then- I thought- what if I don't wait? Is there anyway I could make him see and accept CTB was my best option? He's not against assisted suicide for those in pain. In fact, a few of our close family members were very likely 'helped along' in hospital. Stupid part is- I know I'm kidding myself. Even knowing I was actually suicidal rather than just plain old depressed (which is pretty obvious) would likely deeply upset and worry him. I've got this dumb idea that I'll be able to get him to see it rationally but I know I won't because our thinking is so different. He's appalled by 'healthy' people taking their own lives.

Anyhow, I suppose I wanted to ask- for those of you who have told people (especially your parents,) what was their response? And for those who haven't- what do you think they'd say? Do you suppose they'd ever understand or even support us?

 

[tary]

I tried to talk about wanting to die with my mom after my first attempt (with a knife) in 2018 when I was hospitalised. I told her I wanted to die and that she would be fine without me. But it was almost like she couldn't even process the idea, and she just kept saying that I can't do it, that I'm not allowed to leave everyone to be lonely without me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just don't think that it's a good idea at all, telling family members about ctb plans. I just think that it could never really be beneficial and could only make things worse. They cannot see life from our point of view after all, and I think that personally I would see it as being the best to write a suicide note for others to read once we are gone rather than trying to explain why we wish to ctb to family members before we have left this world.

But I think that overall, as long as suicide is so stigmatised in society and there is a lack of assisted suicide options, a lot of people will continue to not be accepting of suicide as a rational solution. But if there were legal assisted suicide options then people could have open conversations about this without the fear of others interfering with plans and maybe if that option was available then those left behind would have the time to come to terms with the persons decision and maybe try to understand it. But there really is no point to trying to make others understand now, it just won't achieve anything. If I had a reliable method planned so I could ctb as soon as possible then I would just go and I wouldn't say anything to others in advance, I mean it's sad how people cannot have open conversations about something so inevitable and normal as death and suicide is a human right after all, so it could never be wrong but unfortunately the world that we exist in doesn't recognise this.

 

[makethepainstop]

Ok- so this is a crazy post I know...

I'm sitting here after a few weeks of the same thing- a few incredibly reluctant job searches on the internet, one or two applications (that have aready been rejected or, likely will be soon,) some very brief attempts at making money online (Clickworker site- if you've heard of it? Complete con in my opinion...) But for the most part- just this awful feeling of despair that I either won't get any of these nearby jobs or even that I will- and I know pretty much (from former experience) that I will hate them. Honestly, even the thought of an interview is freaking me out (social anxiety plus a huge gain in weight- so very few decent clothes fit anymore.)

Honestly, I just don't want to do any of it! It's not like I'm even funding a life I want to live anymore. Even if I miraculously manage to survive the financial storm in my 'dream' creative, freelance job- it isn't doing for me what it used to... (Mainly why I'm spending so much time on here recently- avoiding the inevitable...)

So- that's my initial rant over with (thanks for putting up with it.) Now is the reason I am still here- my Dad. I think it would devastate him if I CTB. I feel like I have to wait for him to go first.

Still- monstrous as it sounds- I don't know how long that will be... What if I have to 'tread water' for years?!! That feels unbearable.

So then- I thought- what if I don't wait? Is there anyway I could make him see and accept CTB was my best option? He's not against assisted suicide for those in pain. In fact, a few of our close family members were very likely 'helped along' in hospital. Stupid part is- I know I'm kidding myself. Even knowing I was actually suicidal rather than just plain old depressed (which is pretty obvious) would likely deeply upset and worry him. I've got this dumb idea that I'll be able to get him to see it rationally but I know I won't because our thinking is so different. He's appalled by 'healthy' people taking their own lives.

Anyhow, I suppose I wanted to ask- for those of you who have told people (especially your parents,) what was their response? And for those who haven't- what do you think they'd say? Do you suppose they'd ever understand or even support us?

What I would have given to have had a Dad, that gave a damn about me. That's all I am gonna say about that.

 

[No longer suicidal😁]

My dad told me to go and do it in another country, he fears society reaction, and not "in his house". Mom told me "GOD SAYS...", you know the rest.

 

[Forever Sleep]

What I would have given to have had a Dad, that gave a damn about me. That's all I am gonna say about that.

I'm so sorry. Yes- I have been lucky in some ways- not so much in others. My Mum died when I was 3. Probably why I am so close to my Dad. Still- he remarried and that episode wasn't at all fun either. (Likely narcissistic sibling = the beginning of all this suicidal ideation.)

I am sad for you though. I was lucky enough to having some very caring and loving people in my life- although most are dead or hundreds of miles away now. Did you have anyone you were close to?

It's really a double-edged sword to be honest- still having people in your life that care about you. I do understand why people say that they wouldn't even be suicidal in the first place if they had people that cared. Still- you can feel just as lonely- if not more so- if those people can't 'reach' you anymore.

My parents live nearly 300 miles away. So- logistically not all that practical. Plus- they can't help me either. My 'problems' are really my own to sort out. Sometimes talking about them just leads to further upset.

You just find yourself holding on to this shitty life in honour of the relationship you once had when you were half way normal because if you do CTB- they likely won't be relieved for you- they will grieve the person they hoped you were.

My dad told me to go and do it in another country, he fears society reaction, and not "in his house". Mom told me "GOD SAYS...", you know the rest.

That sounds terrible. I'm so sorry.

 

[magikalangelmimi]

i haven't told my parents persay but i do have 'family' that i told, he's not related to me by blood or marriage but i consider him to be someone who is like my family
i was very nervous to say the least, i didn't know how he would react or feel but we had a very serious talk about it and he basically told me
that while he would be sad to see me go, and that he feels it's selfish to ask me to stay, he said he's just at peace that i'll be at peace and happy on my own terms
basically a kinda like don't die but i can't stop you, you know?
i've also informed my boyfriend of it, who is the same way but moreso not wanting me to go so soon

be wary of who you tell though, even friends and family like that aren't usually a safe bet because they can report you and without your will or consent you could be taken away to a hospital and such
while my two people i told are 'supportive' and understanding', unless you know for a fact that they won't report or anything, they could just be saying it to say it to comfort you

hopefully i made sense aaa

 

[Forever Sleep]

i haven't told my parents persay but i do have 'family' that i told, he's not related to me by blood or marriage but i consider him to be someone who is like my family
i was very nervous to say the least, i didn't know how he would react or feel but we had a very serious talk about it and he basically told me
that while he would be sad to see me go, and that he feels it's selfish to ask me to stay, he said he's just at peace that i'll be at peace and happy on my own terms
basically a kinda like don't die but i can't stop you, you know?
i've also informed my boyfriend of it, who is the same way but moreso not wanting me to go so soon

be wary of who you tell though, even friends and family like that aren't usually a safe bet because they can report you and without your will or consent you could be taken away to a hospital and such
while my two people i told are 'supportive' and understanding', unless you know for a fact that they won't report or anything, they could just be saying it to say it to comfort you

hopefully i made sense aaa

I'm glad that your close friend and boyfriend were as supportive as they were. Honestly- I think it's the purest type of love to believe that you would let someone go if they were suffering so much. None of us want to lose our loved ones but neither do we want to see them in such pain.

I think you're absolutely right. You have to be SO careful who you tell and how much you tell them. I have told a couple of close friends in the past- although, only after getting the (correct) impression that they felt the same way. I'd never let on I had an actual plan though- that's a whole other level.

No, I know I could never outright tell my Dad. I'm not so sure that he would try to stop me but I think it would really upset him and I don't feel like I could do that. Think I'm just going to have to wait it out- but I'm so glad I can vent on here when it all feels like too much.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Anyhow, I suppose I wanted to ask- for those of you who have told people (especially your parents,) what was their response?

mostly silence. i go on about it literally saying things like "i want to put a bullet through my head" "fuck this stupid life" "the government clearly wants me to kill myself" and others. but, everyone knows ive been abused since birth and everyone knows i have mental illnesses (bpd, cptsd, ect).

specifically my parents? well i never told my step father, but my mother probably did so him, idk. my mother, oh this is priceless. after many months (possibly a year?) i finally sat my mother down and said "im not ok" and told her that im suicidal. she was so 'caring'. she even gave me some papers from her time in therapy and said she would get me a therapist.
that, was the very last i heard of the topic. she walked out of my room and the topic with her, never spoken of again.
i fucking hate liars. i wish people would just be f'en honest about caring or not. if you dont care, then f'en tell me. not string me along like youre f'en puppet.
then i told my biodad when he came back into my life. told me he had depression too (so grand, both my bio parents have mental problems, my life was literally over before even being born, forget all the added abuse that would have given anyone mental disorders or the fact that i was born with bpd making me more susceptible to it.) and he never checked up on me, actually i had to get ahold of him myself to find out his account was hacked. seeing that i was clearly his last thought i havent messaged him since and i probably never will again.
so in answer to your question, my parents literally didnt give a shit and judging by everyone elses (lack of) reaction, im going to have to guess they would have killed themselves too if they were me.

 

[SamTam33]

My dad thinks saying things like "Keep hope alive" will cure me.

I burst out laughing at him the other night. I know he was trying to be serious in conveying his message ("You just have to hold on"), but it sounded so pathetic.

I approached the original conversation by essentially telling him I was going to ctb... Now try and change my mind.

I didn't literally want him to change it, but I wanted to give him a chance to "try" if that makes sense. It was me throwing him a bone... I can't explain it. I wanted to make him think he could possibly influence my decision.

That's the best I could do. That's the most I could care.

He used every trope in the book, e.g., that's selfish. But I countered every tired talking point with questions of my own. Eventually he went silent, regrouped and started with the affirmations.

 

[tary]

Eventually he went silent

My mom did this too, after a while she'd stop responding to when I tried to bring it up and just stare at me sadly and change the subject. I think it's because they see suicidal feelings as always being the result of some kind of mental illness or depression, not a wish that anyone sane could rationally have.
So trying to cheer you up is obviously only thing that'll work, lol

 

[Forever Sleep]

My dad thinks saying things like "Keep hope alive" will cure me.

I burst out laughing at him the other night. I know he was trying to be serious in conveying his message ("You just have to hold on"), but it sounded so pathetic.

I approached the original conversation by essentially telling him I was going to ctb... Now try and change my mind.

I didn't literally want him to change it, but I wanted to give him a chance to "try" if that makes sense. It was me throwing him a bone... I can't explain it. I wanted to make him think he could possibly influence my decision.

That's the best I could do. That's the most I could care.

He used every trope in the book, e.g., that's selfish. But I countered every tired talking point with questions of my own. Eventually he went silent, regrouped and started with the affirmations.

Yes- it sounds familiar...

My Dad knows I'm struggling certainly and he's very fond of telling me 'Things will work out for the better.' If I don't look convinced, he seems to think promising that they will improve will help. We go through the whole- 'We've been through this before and I told you things would get better and they did- so- they will again...' But it's like- sure- they sort of improved because I put in an enormous amount of effort to change things- it didn't just happen! Plus- seeing as we're back here again- things clearly didn't improve for any length of time!

Then we tend to move on to all the things he's suffered and hated in life which is all true and all awful. (Some really horrible stuff- granted.) Still it's like- so what's the reasoning here? Because you hated parts of your life, I should think that's normal? Or, I should be grateful that I'm not encountering those particular problems?

I think the 'problem' with parents (who give a shit and to be fair- it is kind of sweet) is they still feel responsible to a degree (which they are ultimately- bringing us here in the first place.) Still- they seem to genuinely want to help but a lot of the time- they just can't... I guess that leads them into desperately calling on these platitudes to have faith or hope that things will magically all work out in the end.

It's a weird feeling because I simultaneously feel sorry for them (I doubt many parents had children to be malicious- they likely hoped we would grow up to enjoy life.) They want to help and feel needed but they can't. On the other hand- I wish so deeply that I hadn't been born. I really resent having been given life and it really is such a problem knowing how to get through it and ultimately- how to get rid of it.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think in any parent / child relationship that is even marginally "normal", meaning no estrangement, or feelings of hate, that kind of thing, where there is love between the parent and child, you would never be able to convince a parent to give their blessing to the child to CTB. No parent wants to bury their child. It may hurt a parent to see their child in pain, but having that child "go away" is even more pain.

 

[Wannagonow]

My dad is in his 80's and could not begin to understand my desire to ctb. For me personally, I choose to not share with other people. I do understand that some people might share with others if they are looking for help and need someone to intervene to help make them safe. Otherwise, except for looking for help to avoid ctb, I wouldn't want to hurt or burden anyone with my plan or desire to go. I also don't want to risk intervention. I absolutely get it that different life experiences might cause others to make different choices.

 

[brokensea]

My few friends act like they care for a few minutes then disappear and never ask how I'm doing.

My ex is threatening to commit suicide if I do and has done some extreme things such as self harm, giving away his savings. Almost attempted and took pics which was very scary. Yet somehow he wants to also convince himself his threats and antics aren't holding me hostage and says I have free will to do what I want and then he'll use his free will to do what he wants when I'm gone which is absurd since his suicide would clearly be because of me. But he wants to gaslight me that this isn't what he's doing. After he scared the crap out of me last time, I told him I wouldn't CTB and now he's threatening suicide on his own. Really scaring me with it constantly. I think it is to also shut me up. I was talking about something he did in the past and he said you want me to go out in the woods right now and kill myself? I told him he's stressing me out an incredible amount and it's affecting me working and functioning even more and he just says I know what that feels like. So I just am trapped in a sense and don't know what to do. Idk if he's just trying to get revenge sometimes for me genuinely wanting to die idk. But there's really no one I can talk to except the people here about how I feel.

 

[Seiko]

If suicide somehow became a socially acceptable option, this is exactly the route I'd want to take. Make amends with everyone and everything so that I can go in peace. Too bad it's impossible to tell anyone without them trying to "help" in some way (i.e., involuntary commitment or calling the police).

 

[tenebrousTruant]

Personally, the times in the past I tried having any serious discussion with my parents about my suicidality, just like @tary wrote, they seemed unable to entirely process it. I think for those of us lucky enough to have caring parents at least, it sort of paralyzes them with fear. You can't expect someone who loves you to react rationally and without emotional threads attached. After I accidentally spilled to my parents once (I was a bit drunk), for me personally, it only made matters worse as it increased their worry and made them monitor me a lot, to the point of getting in arguments over locking my door (when I was just changing, etc). Generally I would say it's a bad idea to tell anyone close to you if you don't intend to be stopped.

 

[Prescott241]

Ok- so this is a crazy post I know...

I'm sitting here after a few weeks of the same thing- a few incredibly reluctant job searches on the internet, one or two applications (that have aready been rejected or, likely will be soon,) some very brief attempts at making money online (Clickworker site- if you've heard of it? Complete con in my opinion...) But for the most part- just this awful feeling of despair that I either won't get any of these nearby jobs or even that I will- and I know pretty much (from former experience) that I will hate them. Honestly, even the thought of an interview is freaking me out (social anxiety plus a huge gain in weight- so very few decent clothes fit anymore.)

Honestly, I just don't want to do any of it! It's not like I'm even funding a life I want to live anymore. Even if I miraculously manage to survive the financial storm in my 'dream' creative, freelance job- it isn't doing for me what it used to... (Mainly why I'm spending so much time on here recently- avoiding the inevitable...)

So- that's my initial rant over with (thanks for putting up with it.) Now is the reason I am still here- my Dad. I think it would devastate him if I CTB. I feel like I have to wait for him to go first.

Still- monstrous as it sounds- I don't know how long that will be... What if I have to 'tread water' for years?!! That feels unbearable.

So then- I thought- what if I don't wait? Is there anyway I could make him see and accept CTB was my best option? He's not against assisted suicide for those in pain. In fact, a few of our close family members were very likely 'helped along' in hospital. Stupid part is- I know I'm kidding myself. Even knowing I was actually suicidal rather than just plain old depressed (which is pretty obvious) would likely deeply upset and worry him. I've got this dumb idea that I'll be able to get him to see it rationally but I know I won't because our thinking is so different. He's appalled by 'healthy' people taking their own lives.

Anyhow, I suppose I wanted to ask- for those of you who have told people (especially your parents,) what was their response? And for those who haven't- what do you think they'd say? Do you suppose they'd ever understand or even support us?

I couldn't ever tell my parents about my plans. For one, they have no jurisdiction over me. Secondly, they are not close to me, and there would be no reason for them to ever know besides them finding out after the fact. I feel your frustrations about work, making money as well. If this world wanted us to succeed, then they wouldn't let us fall through the cracks. Also, if this world NEEDED us to succeed, then they also wouldn't let us fall through the cracks. This world DOESNT want or need me with this line of thinking, therefore I see no reason in continuing my existence on this world for longer than I want it to be.

 

[ksp]

(forgot to say that i like all answers in the thread)

…I thought- what if I don't wait? Is there anyway I could make him see and accept CTB was my best option? He's not against assisted suicide for those in pain. In fact, a few of our close family members were very likely 'helped along' in hospital. Stupid part is- I know I'm kidding myself. Even knowing I was actually suicidal rather than just plain old depressed (which is pretty obvious) would likely deeply upset and worry him. I've got this dumb idea that I'll be able to get him to see it rationally but I know I won't because our thinking is so different. He's appalled by 'healthy' people taking their own lives..

for me it's easy - i don't have anyone, and very content like that, so i am the only one to approve my own decision

but i'm thinking of other very difficult situations: parents, life partners, children, friends, etc, so there are different expectations and approaches

1. the other person(s) is extremely indoctrinated, or irrational pro-lifer
there is no hope to get understanding or empathy - cut your losses and accept your own decision
in this case, you don't have a choice (your decision is made easier by circumstances), but ultimately this is your life, and not your duty to satisfy society

2. the other person is somewhat open-minded (your dad), and there are several ways to approach the subject
first of all you don't have to go to extreme (death); depending on tolerance of the subject - some people are quick to dismiss your suffering, and would just ignore the subject of death all together (this is your suffering, you deal with it)

'healthy' people taking their own lives - this is the main problem in our society (not including religion)

people tend to accept terminal illness very easily - this is an absolute in anyone's mind
but they ignore and disregard mental suffering, or philosophical suffering - this is extremely relative, and subjective

our communication is far too limited to explain our well being or our suffering to anyone else - no one can ever judge you, or your decisions; even if they are well intentioned, they will never be able to understand what is in your mind (exactly, every second of your awareness); there are way too many variables influencing your consciousness, and there no way to explain your feelings (good or bad) - you can give a general idea to others, but they won't know how it is to be in your head - consciousness is truly unknown (how exactly is it to be you): i am the only judge and executioner of my life AND my death

he would never give his blessing for me to kill myself

my mistake - i meant to say: 'he should give you his understanding of your suffering' (my mistake is horrible - no parent will give their blessing to their children); another example of how our communication is extremely limited

I simply don't want him to know JUST how unhappy I am.

this is the main problem, and you cut my answer very short

you'll just have to accept your decision, accept the fact that no one will understand you (except yourself), and take ownership of consequences

the only decision to make: am i able to continue to suffer, or not

keep in mind that our suffering knows no bounds - survival instinct keeps you alive even when 99% of your organs are dying (last seconds are horrendous), so you decide when enough is enough

 

[liana]

I told my mother four years ago and she said "you can't say that to people". I never told my father, but I told him about someone who was violent to me and he said "don't think about that" without missing a beat, so I don't think he would react any better. I know that both would be sad, but they will literally not do the smallest thing to keep me here, so I eventually decided not to include them in the equation.

 

[jessisme]

First of all I wouldn't recommend sharing with anyone that you have a desire to attempt for the reasons others list above: that they might use their influence to have you committed because you are a danger to yourself and that would be unhelpful and counterproductive. Not only that, psych wards can be terrible places that only bring about more trauma to those who are committed to stay there. Once released your parents and other loved ones will probably be watching you like a hawk as much as possible looking for signs that you might follow through on your intentions which would only make ctb more difficult than it is already. It's a private decision, wanting to ctb, and actions must be taken quietly, discreetly and in private. We cannot include friends, family or loved ones in our intentions or desires because they will likely work to prevent it which will only thwart our plans. Is there a reason you would like to talk with your father about this? Possibly you don't really wish to ctb but would like him to offer you some kind of help for an acceptable alternative? That's fine but it won't get you closer to ctb.

 

[Forever Sleep]

First of all I wouldn't recommend sharing with anyone that you have a desire to attempt for the reasons others list above: that they might use their influence to have you committed because you are a danger to yourself and that would be unhelpful and counterproductive. Not only that, psych wards can be terrible places that only bring about more trauma to those who are committed to stay there. Once released your parents and other loved ones will probably be watching you like a hawk as much as possible looking for signs that you might follow through on your intentions which would only make ctb more difficult than it is already. It's a private decision, wanting to ctb, and actions must be taken quietly, discreetly and in private. We cannot include friends, family or loved ones in our intentions or desires because they will likely work to prevent it which will only thwart our plans. Is there a reason you would like to talk with your father about this? Possibly you don't really wish to ctb but would like him to offer you some kind of help for an acceptable alternative? That's fine but it won't get you closer to ctb.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I think you are absolutely right. To be honest- it was a kind of ludicrous thought that I could actually tell him.

I think my reasoning was- I simply don't feel like I could CTB while he is still alive. Unless things get much worse for me, I will have to wait. Really, I suppose I was just thinking- what if I can't wait? Is there any way I could make it less painful for him? Of course- the answer is likely 'no'- I doubt I'd ever make him understand enough to let go.

It's not a case that I'd want to tell him in the hopes something would be done to 'save' me. If I'm brutally honest, I suppose finances are a huge motivating factor for me. He has already offered to support me financially for a bit- if I really get into trouble. (Supposed to be looking for a new job.) Still- I don't want to depend on him and he couldn't do it for long anyway.

My only real option for now is to make enough money to keep treading water until I'm in a position where I can go. Or- if things get unbearably bad- do it and write a heartfelt note trying to explain.

 

[Tried-tireD]

For me I've mostly kept my ideation a secret. Since I don't earn income I needed money for meds which at the time I thought would help. Both my parents then forced an explanation out of me and they were appalled by what I said. This was at the time where suicide really was just an ongoing thought.
They acted in an almost antagonistic sort of way, mad that I thought/felt like this. They're both basically corrupted by the stigma of depression.

My dad even told me that if I can't find any reason to live, then my reason should be that he's paying for my uni fees. I knew I wouldn't be listened to so I just shut up.

After than I kept everything to myself again. I'm sorry that you lost your mother at such a young age but I am glad that you are close to your Dad, even as that does put you in a difficult decision.

From my experience, I don't think it's a good idea to share any CTB plans, like others have mentioned. Peoples responses do differ depending on the dynamic but either way, whether they care or not, it'll just lead to more unnecessary and potentially avoidable pain for us

 

[Forever Sleep]

My dad even told me that if I can't find any reason to live, then my reason should be that he's paying for my uni fees.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. Think this is definitely part of it- 'Just look at all we've invested in you.' Reckon that goes for parents, society at large and whatever messed up cosmic chance thing brought us here in the first place.

This idea that we ALL have this potential to be great. (Although our amounts of potential and chances vary widely.)

I suppose it's kind of admirable that society at large and our parents (should) then nurture this potential- through education, healthcare, love etc. Still- isn't the expectation there that we will eventually pay them back- hopefully in spades? And if we don't- then there's a problem.

I'm so sorry your Dad said this to you. I can see why it would make you withdraw from even trying to speak any further.