Hi
I've been reading the posts on this forum for the last two months or so and finally decided to join up to say hello and thank you to you all.
My story begins I guess as a teenager when I developed social anxiety disorder which led to panic attacks, sickness etc. This led me to avoid going out which, in turn, led to (what I now deem to be) "low-grade" depression.
Don't get me wrong, whilst going through it that depression was the worst thing I could have imagined having to go through. The feeling of uselessness, of being terrified to go out, of having to make excuse after excuse as to why I couldn't go somewhere, or why I'd have to leave early just so I had that exit in place in case a bout of panic arose. Above all, that feeling of not being "normal" and questioning "Why is it like this for me and not others", "Why can't I be like them?" - they were the questions that burned continuously through a tortured mind.
15 years I was like that, bouncing from one anti-depressant to another, living alone, going nowhere. Life had no meaning but I was managing as long as I avoided social situations. I had no future above what I was doing but I was "managing", I convinced myself I was ok and that was what I wanted. If people asked me "Why don't you get a girlfriend?", I would always joke "I can't look after myself, let alone someone else!" Hollow laugh.
All this changed when I did meet someone. Based on the anonymity rules I shall call her "G".
"G" and I hit it off pretty quickly. She had similar issues to me (not socially but with other things - I will not go into them because it is not my place to do so), so it became almost a case of when I fell, she would lift me up and vice versa. It's a cliche but we were two sides of an arch that held each other upright.
"G" and I moved in together after a year and she taught me that going places, days out etc, could be a good thing. And it was, because I was with her. I still had issues with eating in public due to the panic attacks but she supported me through those too. Even to the point where it would be me who would suggest we go out for lunch!
We got engaged and were due to get married this month after much procrastinating on both of our parts. We were engaged for 5 years!
Again, there is a lot here that is not mine to tell so I will need to fast forward a little here.
In January of this year my love, my rock, my support, "G" died of metastatic breast cancer after a 15 month battle. We had just moved into a new house when we found out she had it. It was supposed to be the beginning of our lives together. Instead it turned into the end. Now this is why I call what I had before "low-grade" depression as this is another level.
4 days after she passed, I tried to commit suicide by morphine. A week after that I tried again, and then a week or so later with paracetamol, then with morphine again. I wasn't "saved" in any of these attempts - I just sat out whatever bad physical effects came with them.
I still want to "catch the bus" and have been researching various methods and acquiring various bits and pieces. I still cry everyday for "G" and what we had, and what we lost - or rather what was taken from us. The only time I am calm is when I am researching how to end it all.
There is a thread on here regarding why people want to ctb of a broken heart. I hope this post helps answer that, from my perspective anyhow.
Thanks for reading, and I hope to chat to you all soon
Hoop
I've been reading the posts on this forum for the last two months or so and finally decided to join up to say hello and thank you to you all.
My story begins I guess as a teenager when I developed social anxiety disorder which led to panic attacks, sickness etc. This led me to avoid going out which, in turn, led to (what I now deem to be) "low-grade" depression.
Don't get me wrong, whilst going through it that depression was the worst thing I could have imagined having to go through. The feeling of uselessness, of being terrified to go out, of having to make excuse after excuse as to why I couldn't go somewhere, or why I'd have to leave early just so I had that exit in place in case a bout of panic arose. Above all, that feeling of not being "normal" and questioning "Why is it like this for me and not others", "Why can't I be like them?" - they were the questions that burned continuously through a tortured mind.
15 years I was like that, bouncing from one anti-depressant to another, living alone, going nowhere. Life had no meaning but I was managing as long as I avoided social situations. I had no future above what I was doing but I was "managing", I convinced myself I was ok and that was what I wanted. If people asked me "Why don't you get a girlfriend?", I would always joke "I can't look after myself, let alone someone else!" Hollow laugh.
All this changed when I did meet someone. Based on the anonymity rules I shall call her "G".
"G" and I hit it off pretty quickly. She had similar issues to me (not socially but with other things - I will not go into them because it is not my place to do so), so it became almost a case of when I fell, she would lift me up and vice versa. It's a cliche but we were two sides of an arch that held each other upright.
"G" and I moved in together after a year and she taught me that going places, days out etc, could be a good thing. And it was, because I was with her. I still had issues with eating in public due to the panic attacks but she supported me through those too. Even to the point where it would be me who would suggest we go out for lunch!
We got engaged and were due to get married this month after much procrastinating on both of our parts. We were engaged for 5 years!
Again, there is a lot here that is not mine to tell so I will need to fast forward a little here.
In January of this year my love, my rock, my support, "G" died of metastatic breast cancer after a 15 month battle. We had just moved into a new house when we found out she had it. It was supposed to be the beginning of our lives together. Instead it turned into the end. Now this is why I call what I had before "low-grade" depression as this is another level.
4 days after she passed, I tried to commit suicide by morphine. A week after that I tried again, and then a week or so later with paracetamol, then with morphine again. I wasn't "saved" in any of these attempts - I just sat out whatever bad physical effects came with them.
I still want to "catch the bus" and have been researching various methods and acquiring various bits and pieces. I still cry everyday for "G" and what we had, and what we lost - or rather what was taken from us. The only time I am calm is when I am researching how to end it all.
There is a thread on here regarding why people want to ctb of a broken heart. I hope this post helps answer that, from my perspective anyhow.
Thanks for reading, and I hope to chat to you all soon
Hoop
