_02aslademe
I miss you
- Aug 22, 2023
- 18
First post here. I plan to post every day until I CTB, or at least as much as I can manage.
I've lurked account-less here for a while and only today committed to it. So, here I am, at last. I can speak my mind, I think.
To let out everything at once and to get words out of my head;
I cannot tell real from fake.
Fantasy and reality are one and the same and I am unable to distinguish between the two, not if I tried, and I do. "Reality" is within the confines of my skull, a confines from which I cannot escape.
I return to the embrace of suicidal ideation without break; rather, I'm always with it. I forget my reason for remaining alive, even when now it's slipping away anyway. I make myself believe it is fantasy, a fantasy of mine, as I make-believe an amalgamation of other things and I believe them wholeheartedly.
I know not whether I am awake or asleep and sometimes where I am and what I am doing; everything is in my mind and I have made up everything (my "reality" is a child's- my- make-believe). Everything is in my head.
I live within my head. Rarely do I, rather, rarely can I venture beyond the constraints of my head and enter the world where others exist. I have an entirely separate world in my mind; settings, individuals, events, memories, an "I". As close to "I" as I can get, of course, seeing as there is an "I" nowhere, at the very least not yet and not in the past. Frankly, likely not in the future either.
A constructed world inside my mind. It is not the same as the World (the supposed, logical, "real" reality) in concept however does keep every virtually every concept formulated in the World within itself. More of a positive space; negative in only some respects.
This is not a place I "travel to", obviously. Of course I still live in the World and operate in the World and interact in the World and the like however my reality is ingrained upon Reality; an opaque filter however not opaque enough. I live in my own reality. So I don't know what do do.
Since a rather long time my academic performance has been falling. I had been a 4.0 GPA student for as long as I could remember then suddenly I became unable to keep a grasp on my studies and I let it go. Hell, academics were and I believe still are my only "purpose" in life because I've been working towards college since nine years old, in accordance with my mother's wishes, so how could I let what is essentially my life purpose go?
I don't know. I feel numb, I don't feel real, I want to die. Nothing is keeping me here at this point.
Not much of a point to this first post besides getting things off of my chest, out of my head. I don't know if anyone struggles similarly but if anyone does it would be nice to know, I suppose.
I look forward to my time here.
I've lurked account-less here for a while and only today committed to it. So, here I am, at last. I can speak my mind, I think.
To let out everything at once and to get words out of my head;
I cannot tell real from fake.
Fantasy and reality are one and the same and I am unable to distinguish between the two, not if I tried, and I do. "Reality" is within the confines of my skull, a confines from which I cannot escape.
I return to the embrace of suicidal ideation without break; rather, I'm always with it. I forget my reason for remaining alive, even when now it's slipping away anyway. I make myself believe it is fantasy, a fantasy of mine, as I make-believe an amalgamation of other things and I believe them wholeheartedly.
I know not whether I am awake or asleep and sometimes where I am and what I am doing; everything is in my mind and I have made up everything (my "reality" is a child's- my- make-believe). Everything is in my head.
I live within my head. Rarely do I, rather, rarely can I venture beyond the constraints of my head and enter the world where others exist. I have an entirely separate world in my mind; settings, individuals, events, memories, an "I". As close to "I" as I can get, of course, seeing as there is an "I" nowhere, at the very least not yet and not in the past. Frankly, likely not in the future either.
A constructed world inside my mind. It is not the same as the World (the supposed, logical, "real" reality) in concept however does keep every virtually every concept formulated in the World within itself. More of a positive space; negative in only some respects.
This is not a place I "travel to", obviously. Of course I still live in the World and operate in the World and interact in the World and the like however my reality is ingrained upon Reality; an opaque filter however not opaque enough. I live in my own reality. So I don't know what do do.
Since a rather long time my academic performance has been falling. I had been a 4.0 GPA student for as long as I could remember then suddenly I became unable to keep a grasp on my studies and I let it go. Hell, academics were and I believe still are my only "purpose" in life because I've been working towards college since nine years old, in accordance with my mother's wishes, so how could I let what is essentially my life purpose go?
I don't know. I feel numb, I don't feel real, I want to die. Nothing is keeping me here at this point.
Not much of a point to this first post besides getting things off of my chest, out of my head. I don't know if anyone struggles similarly but if anyone does it would be nice to know, I suppose.
I look forward to my time here.
