Venting helping understand my abuse is not my fault

[ryaan]

whenever i talk about my feelings the people in my life suggest i just need medication or a change of scenery. but i honestly do not think the issue is me at all, it is the world and how cruel others can be.

my last relationship ended and my partner at the time said i was not confident anymore because i started to become quiet and sad about the things she would say about me. she told me she had suffered brain damage as a child and i don't know if that was why she was so mean sometimes but it really harmed me to have the person i trusted commenting on how i look or act. she would yell at me and she made comments about my body not being sexually functional. i finally told her she upset me and she ended things because she "was not able to take feedback about her behaviour because it made her feel bad". she said my lack of confidence was a turn-off. it has been really hard because i know she was mean and i don't understand why she couldn't just treat me with kindness. it made me feel unlovable and i have since spiralled into a need to disappear.

the woman i dated prior to her sexually abused me while i recovered from surgery and created a very intense emotional bond, and i cannot escape seeing her everywhere in my city because she is now on one of the biggest TV shows of this year. there is a billboard with her face on it at the end of my street. i have talked to everyone in my life about it and they always say things like "you're twice her size she couldn't have hurt you" or "you loved her, you need to get over it." i feel like my future was stolen from me and no one takes it seriously. i have been off work for over a year now in therapy for sexual trauma and it is not getting easier, while she is free with no consequences to her actions, making millions of dollars. i was not sober for weeks straight and she was basically my nurse giving me percocet while touching me. i honestly thought i loved her until the drugs wore off and i was constantly ill from withdrawl.

i don't think i will ever be able to accept when people hurt me, and it makes me feel so sad and stupid and used and i don't want to feel this way anymore, it is a cycle i cannot escape. i don't know why i choose to stay with people who make me feel impossible to love. i always try and fix things when they are broken and i didn't do the breaking.

i am at a point where i am unwilling to continue because i'm starting to associate love with being abused. i think i am incapable of being enough for anyone - even if i am enough for myself. i've done all the things i wanted to do before i died, many of them with my last partner. but it feels hollow when i do anything alone and don't have someone to share my happiness and amazement of the world with.

i feel like there is something wrong with me because when someone is mean to me i think i am the problem, instead of accepting that they are hurting me. i beg for forgiveness from people who have done horrible things to me and i don't know why.

i feel suffocated and trapped here, i am trying to find a way out even if i don't take it. it would just be a relief to be able to leave on my own terms if things get as bad as they have been before, which i think is where my life is heading.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I'm sorry, but that ex gf of yours. Saying that your lack of confidence was a turn off.
I won't say anything else then: what she said is really not the type of way of thinking I would expect from a woman.

Being abused results in one of the worst feelings in the mind. It's unbearable and the "You're twice her size" makes no sense.
So it's okay to abuse a woman if I were a middling? I would be half of her size!
No, not okay.

You will need time, peace and love to recover. I don't know if you have it, I hope so.
But know that you have strength. Otherwise you would have already fallen apart.

I wish you peace.
Be welcome here. We will do our best to help you, in anything you need.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. While sexual trauma is very challenging to work through and overcome especially as a male, I don't think all is lost for you. It sounds like you are in need of some intense therapy. If you are seeing someone that is not helping, then find another therapist until you get one you are comfortable with. It can take a few years to find the right therapeutic match so don't give up just yet.


The abuse and hypercriticism is not ok. You are not responsible for the abuse. But now that you are aware of the abuse, and the pattern you have been in with mate selection, it is your responsibility to break the cycle. Going to therapy and working through this will help you build confidence in who you are, help you understand your needs, and help you establish healthy courtship patterns.


I understand that it feels better to share things with another person. But basing your happiness on the presence of another human being is a recipe for codependence. Abusive people can often sense vulnerable people. They tend to lie in wait for a victim like wolves in sheep's clothing. If you are unable to find peace and happiness with yourself, it is going to be difficult to assert yourself against toxic people. Finding and maintaining a healthy relationship requires setting healthy boundaries, confidence to discuss issues openly, and strength to walk away when those boundaries are not respected.


Even in the best of relationships with two reasonably healthy individuals, partners may offer suggestions and "healthy" criticism about how to improve the relationship (not criticism of your insecurities and who you are). When we are not confident in ourselves we may take these things personally instead of listening with an open mind. You will want to be aware of this kind of potential trigger within yourself. As an abuse survivor, our inner insecurities can trigger shutdowns and thus limit the ability to respond in a way that honors ourselves and builds intimacy with a partner.


On another note, lack of confidence is a turnoff for most people (male or female), tbh. So even if you were to meet someone that were not abusive, this might still present a challenge. Many people who don't have confidence in themselves often feel unworthy when a great relationship comes their way. You don't want to be in a situation where a great person come along and you are unprepared for it.

I agree that there are a lot of crappy people in the world, however I think its worth a shot to hang in there and give yourself a chance to experience something great in the world especially if you are under 35. Maybe start here by developing some platonic friendships here where you can share important things with no expectations and begin to feel supported.

 

[ryaan]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. While sexual trauma is very challenging to work through and overcome especially as a male, I don't think all is lost for you. It sounds like you are in need of some intense therapy. If you are seeing someone that is not helping, then find another therapist until you get one you are comfortable with. It can take a few years to find the right therapeutic match so don't give up just yet.


The abuse and hypercriticism is not ok. You are not responsible for the abuse. But now that you are aware of the abuse, and the pattern you have been in with mate selection, it is your responsibility to break the cycle. Going to therapy and working through this will help you build confidence in who you are, help you understand your needs, and help you establish healthy courtship patterns.


I understand that it feels better to share things with another person. But basing your happiness on the presence of another human being is a recipe for codependence. Abusive people can often sense vulnerable people. They tend to lie in wait for a victim like wolves in sheep's clothing. If you are unable to find peace and happiness with yourself, it is going to be difficult to assert yourself against toxic people. Finding and maintaining a healthy relationship requires setting healthy boundaries, confidence to discuss issues openly, and strength to walk away when those boundaries are not respected.


Even in the best of relationships with two reasonably healthy individuals, partners may offer suggestions and "healthy" criticism about how to improve the relationship (not criticism of your insecurities and who you are). When we are not confident in ourselves we may take these things personally instead of listening with an open mind. You will want to be aware of this kind of potential trigger within yourself. As an abuse survivor, our inner insecurities can trigger shutdowns and thus limit the ability to respond in a way that honors ourselves and builds intimacy with a partner.


On another note, lack of confidence is a turnoff for most people (male or female), tbh. So even if you were to meet someone that were not abusive, this might still present a challenge. Many people who don't have confidence in themselves often feel unworthy when a great relationship comes their way. You don't want to be in a situation where a great person come along and you are unprepared for it.

I agree that there are a lot of crappy people in the world, however I think its worth a shot to hang in there and give yourself a chance to experience something great in the world especially if you are under 35. Maybe start here by developing some platonic friendships here where you can share important things with no expectations and begin to feel supported.

thanks for your long reply, i appreciate it

the thing is, i am a confident person and i love myself, i just started feeling very judged and uneasy around her. she hardly talks at all so it was very bizarre for her to tell me i am quiet when it was mostly a reaction to her bizarre comments. i didn't understand why she would yell at me over small things or snap at me at a certain point. i think i get upset when things go well and then people turn out to be very different than the version they show me at the start - i don't really hide my flaws or pretend to be anyone i am not but a lot of people seem to. it's like i mourn the loss of potential with the person they show me at first.

i am happy with myself and i'm very independent, i have travelled a lot alone and i go after my goals more than most people do. but i don't find as much fulfillment in doing things alone as when i've shared experiences with a partner. i have seen all i want to alone, i am in my 30s and old enough to want to settle into someone else. i miss having the support and intimacy of a long term relationship and i feel like my trauma isn't going to allow me to move on. i've tried therapy, it doesn't work. i am just tired after the last experience i am ready to end things. i was happy for a bit, i saw the life i could have had if things were different and that somehow made it more painful.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

thanks for your long reply, i appreciate it

the thing is, i am a confident person and i love myself, i just started feeling very judged and uneasy around her. she hardly talks at all so it was very bizarre for her to tell me i am quiet when it was mostly a reaction to her bizarre comments. i didn't understand why she would yell at me over small things or snap at me at a certain point. i think i get upset when things go well and then people turn out to be very different than the version they show me at the start - i don't really hide my flaws or pretend to be anyone i am not but a lot of people seem to. it's like i mourn the loss of potential with the person they show me at first.

i am happy with myself and i'm very independent, i have travelled a lot alone and i go after my goals more than most people do. but i don't find as much fulfillment in doing things alone as when i've shared experiences with a partner. i have seen all i want to alone, i am in my 30s and old enough to want to settle into someone else. i miss having the support and intimacy of a long term relationship and i feel like my trauma isn't going to allow me to move on. i've tried therapy, it doesn't work. i am just tired after the last experience i am ready to end things. i was happy for a bit, i saw the life i could have had if things were different and that somehow made it more painful.

I get it; and there's nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with someone. Based on what you said it still seems like you haven't broken the cycle yet. And that's the part that needs to be worked on before you will find a healthy relationship. You can work on these things alone but you have to be regimented with yourself. I mentioned a therapist because this is someone who can help you hold yourself accountable specifically in the realm of dating (even if you find them unhelpful in working through other issues.)

If you are with someone that makes you feel bad you should be working toward a point where you can recognize the early signs and quickly cut the person off. What I think is happening is that your desire for companionship and unconditional love is clouding your ability to stand on firm ground to reject toxic people and recognize the warning signs. People don't just turn overnight they give us clues along the way. Even in the off chance where someone does turn overnight you should be in a place where you solely blame the perpetrator.

It seems as if you are still turning anger inward on yourself based on your experiences. I understand where you are at and have been there. I can assure that once you get to a point where you can stand firm in healthy boundaries you will rejoice at dumping toxic people. You will be proud of yourself for actively breaking a pattern and creating a new realm. You also will be able to ignore those people who invalidate your feelings / complaints.


On a last note: I just wanted to point out that just because you do find someone that makes you happy doesn't mean that your problems will be solved. Unmanaged pain often reveals itself in other ways especially in relationships. Relationships are often mirrors for ourselves and can be wonderful vehicles for self-growth. But that depends on if you are aligned with the right person.

 

[ryaan]

I get it; and there's nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with someone. Based on what you said it still seems like you haven't broken the cycle yet. And that's the part that needs to be worked on before you will find a healthy relationship. You can work on these things alone but you have to be regimented with yourself. I mentioned a therapist because this is someone who can help you hold yourself accountable specifically in the realm of dating (even if you find them unhelpful in working through other issues.)

If you are with someone that makes you feel bad you should be working toward a point where you can recognize the early signs and quickly cut the person off. What I think is happening is that your desire for companionship and unconditional love is clouding your ability to stand on firm ground to reject toxic people and recognize the warning signs. People don't just turn overnight they give us clues along the way. Even in the off chance where someone does turn overnight you should be in a place where you solely blame the perpetrator.

It seems as if you are still turning anger inward on yourself based on your experiences. I understand where you are at and have been there. I can assure that once you get to a point where you can stand firm in healthy boundaries you will rejoice at dumping toxic people. You will be proud of yourself for actively breaking a pattern and creating a new realm. You also will be able to ignore those people who invalidate your feelings / complaints.


On a last note: I just wanted to point out that just because you do find someone that makes you happy doesn't mean that your problems will be solved. Unmanaged pain often reveals itself in other ways especially in relationships. Relationships are often mirrors for ourselves and can be wonderful vehicles for self-growth. But that depends on if you are aligned with the right person.

thanks for your input, i appreciate it. i have a therapist but i am not finding it helpful.

i won't mention my age but i am old enough now that i've been in many types of relationships and i'm likely older than many people on this website.

there are clues, you're right. my last partner would order me around really early on and i dismissed it. from afar she seems very kindhearted and thoughtful and like a different person but up close she is kind of like a child and it would be really bizarre and unexpected. now she is far away again it is hard to be reminded of how she was abusive and i'm struggling. there was great potential with common interests and she was the only person i have met who i could see myself doing important and fulfilling things with, without feeling held back.

the thing is i don't have many other issues anymore - i have been through a lot of hardship in my life and i think it led to me having a high tolerance for suffering and discomfort. it seems like everyone in my life finds things to complain about that seem so insignificant. including me. i don't understand why everyone finds it so hard to settle into accepting love, i feel like i overlook flaws in others and try and understand them but that is never returned. i will overlook abuse and insane behaviour but the second i stand up for myself, i am the problem.

i just know i find fulfillment in sharing my happiness with others because it doesn't feel real when it is kept inside.