Just to give a little backstory. I'm 25 now. I left school when I was 17. I had health issues and wasn't believed unfortunately, and ended up being pulled out by my mom. With all the time I had on my hands, by chance I ended up getting really into anime. It kept my mind busy. I would wake up watch a bunch, do whatever odd job or freelance work I had on task for the day, and watch some more until I went to bed. I did that until I was 19. One night when I was 19, I had what seemed to me like a panic attack randomly. I don't know why I had it. I never had one before. I was just sitting alone in my room on a sports forum. Hit suddenly. Was very scary. I went to the ER. In the ER I was diagnosed with Serotonin Syndrome. I was yanked off Cymbalta and Trazodone there. I just believed the doctor.
Anyways, to make a long story short, I ended up struggling with major anxiety and withdrawals after that. I thought I wasn't going to be able to take anxiety meds again. I was very scared. Started getting all these physicals symptoms I never experienced. And what I did most of 2015 was google compulsively. I researched endlessly and freaked myself out. It was constant mental torment. I was in fight/flight for like 9 months straight. I gave up on all my hobbies. Quit the work I was doing. At the start of 2016, I was able to get back on cymbalta and things had gotten so bad, I just forced myself to relax. I was left with some residual effects of what happened, but mostly, I calmed down again and resumed my life of binge watching anime, reading manga, and working. I was all alone through this. Left all my friends. Only people in my life were my parents and grandparents.
This continued through 2016 and into 2017. In mid-2017, my parents had a pretty big fight. They never got along. It was in the middle of a divorce. Anyways, I stuck up for my mom as usual because she would always talk to me about her relationship struggles. My dad would seem to berate her for no reason as usual, so I stepped in and tried to stand up for my mom. The argument turned ugly. I ended up threatening my dad (didn't plan to act on it, was just angry), and after that my mom turned on me.
They kicked me out after this. They found me an apartment. I immediately found a desk job. After working at that job for a few weeks, I had another random major panic attack sitting at my desk. It was a really big scene. I thought I was gonna die. After all this, I decided to talk to my boss and leave my job. My parents let me move back home. I was shaken. I didn't know what to do with my life. Family relations were broken. I had massive anxiety problems. I was in bad shape mentally. When I moved back home, I started getting major intrusive thoughts constantly. I was scared I was gonna go insane. I thought my mental health issues meant I was gonna develop schizophrenia or something, and I could lose control and hurt someone I loved. That I was going crazy. I started researching again. Over and over.
This destroyed me. My physical and mental health went in the toilet. I developed autoimmune problems. I was a constant anxious wreck. Couldn't sleep. Switching around medicines constantly. Switching around doctors constantly. I eventually calmed down from all this after about 16 months. And I was still shaken a good bit obviously. I had no daily routine. No one in my life.
I've not fully recovered from all this still. There was a time period I kind of calmed down, but I'm so messed up from all this. I'm staying at a live-in "community reintegration" program currently. And my mental health is so bad. I can't calm down. I keep researching. I have a hard time trusting people. I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack and simultaneously suicidal from all the suffering.
I wanted to ask for advice if anyone has it. How can I calm down? How can I quell this despair? How can I calm my mind from all this stuff swirling around it that I've researched on the internet? Anyone have anything? Yet again I'm worried I'm going insane and I keep worrying about imminent doom and torture.
Thanks.
Anyways, to make a long story short, I ended up struggling with major anxiety and withdrawals after that. I thought I wasn't going to be able to take anxiety meds again. I was very scared. Started getting all these physicals symptoms I never experienced. And what I did most of 2015 was google compulsively. I researched endlessly and freaked myself out. It was constant mental torment. I was in fight/flight for like 9 months straight. I gave up on all my hobbies. Quit the work I was doing. At the start of 2016, I was able to get back on cymbalta and things had gotten so bad, I just forced myself to relax. I was left with some residual effects of what happened, but mostly, I calmed down again and resumed my life of binge watching anime, reading manga, and working. I was all alone through this. Left all my friends. Only people in my life were my parents and grandparents.
This continued through 2016 and into 2017. In mid-2017, my parents had a pretty big fight. They never got along. It was in the middle of a divorce. Anyways, I stuck up for my mom as usual because she would always talk to me about her relationship struggles. My dad would seem to berate her for no reason as usual, so I stepped in and tried to stand up for my mom. The argument turned ugly. I ended up threatening my dad (didn't plan to act on it, was just angry), and after that my mom turned on me.
They kicked me out after this. They found me an apartment. I immediately found a desk job. After working at that job for a few weeks, I had another random major panic attack sitting at my desk. It was a really big scene. I thought I was gonna die. After all this, I decided to talk to my boss and leave my job. My parents let me move back home. I was shaken. I didn't know what to do with my life. Family relations were broken. I had massive anxiety problems. I was in bad shape mentally. When I moved back home, I started getting major intrusive thoughts constantly. I was scared I was gonna go insane. I thought my mental health issues meant I was gonna develop schizophrenia or something, and I could lose control and hurt someone I loved. That I was going crazy. I started researching again. Over and over.
This destroyed me. My physical and mental health went in the toilet. I developed autoimmune problems. I was a constant anxious wreck. Couldn't sleep. Switching around medicines constantly. Switching around doctors constantly. I eventually calmed down from all this after about 16 months. And I was still shaken a good bit obviously. I had no daily routine. No one in my life.
I've not fully recovered from all this still. There was a time period I kind of calmed down, but I'm so messed up from all this. I'm staying at a live-in "community reintegration" program currently. And my mental health is so bad. I can't calm down. I keep researching. I have a hard time trusting people. I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack and simultaneously suicidal from all the suffering.
I wanted to ask for advice if anyone has it. How can I calm down? How can I quell this despair? How can I calm my mind from all this stuff swirling around it that I've researched on the internet? Anyone have anything? Yet again I'm worried I'm going insane and I keep worrying about imminent doom and torture.
Thanks.
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