Help Help with being.... myself?

[Jobless_Programmer]

Hi from Brazil!

I've been stalking the forums a little bit after I discovered it and there's a lot of useful information and good people here, it looks like a cozy place to talk about anything without fearing judgment. I really wanted some external opinion on people here. Also I'm not going to use google translate so excuse my bad English.

Something I always have done in my life is caring about what other people say or might say, or what are they thinking of me. For example, when I want to talk to someone, most of the time the firsts thoughts that comes around my head are: "Why would he give attention to me?", "Whever I might say, I bet he will think I'm stupid", "Other people are around looking, I'm not going to talk because I'm afraid of what they will think when I say that", "Why would he care about the thing that I'll say".

It's basically a chain of negative thoughts that stops me from being social. This only happens sometimes and not all the time. With people I already have some contact and know them a little bit, it's not a problem and rarely happens, but with new people that will most of the times comes into play. I know I'm not forced to talk to anyone that I don't want to, but sometimes I really want, but I just can't, I freeze.

A good example is at my local gym, for the past 2 months, I managed to keep a good schedule of going at least 4 times per week, and there's a guy that I met there that is kinda older than me that have the same hobby as mine(playing videogames). He's the type of person that really has no problems to talk, gives attention to what you're saying and likes to continue the conversation by saying other things, so he's really social and a nice person. Yesterday I was doing some exercice and he was behind me doing another, and I was kinda of nervous to start a conversation with him because of my chain of negative thoughs ("Why would he care", "He'll think I'm stupid for saying that", "He doesn't care what I'm about to say and will think I'm stupid"), so in my first 2 rests of the set, I just took my phone and pretended I was doing something, then suddenly he looks behind and breaks the ice and starts talking with me, THEN I felt like I could speak and so I did.

This is a example of how many interactions with other people are. After I start talking with someone, I have no problems to keep the conversation going, I'm good at that. I can ping-pong the conversation between me and the other person to not only focus on me or the other person, but the initial ice situation is what kills me from the inside.

I'm getting better at it but sometimes I'm dragged again into the void. I know I should not be ashamed to be my self, I know I shouldn't care what people are going to think of me because the next day they won't ever remember you, I know I should be myself because that will attract people who syncs with my true self. I know that my negative chain of thoughts are something I should ignore because they're not a real justified fear and are just thoughts that don't change my value.

My life is not perfect but I have everything that should make me happy. I'm 25 right now. I have my own gaming computer, my own car, a house to live, my own cellphone, a job that I like to work, I have few but close friends.

I know my problems are nothing compared to what other people are struggling on here, but there are days I'm really depressed because of this, and what makes me sad the most is all the opportunies I've lost(new friends, important connections) because of this problem. Recently talking with some people I see how much time of my life I've wasted not enjoying it while I'm still young and I want to do something before it's too late for me.

Does someone relate to this problem?

 

[sneab]

Your problems might seem small but they are your problems. I've found that it's never the "what" but always the "who", but I'd say your problems are shared by a lot of people. I know I do that same thing. It's hard to break the ice. Guess that's why they call it that, cause I'm assuming ice is hard to break. Not that I'd really know though I haven't spent too much time breaking ice, but I would imagine it might be tough.

 

[Alo the obvi alien]

When I was in the hospital, my anxiety made me doubt if I was breathing too fast or slow whenever they took my heart rate. The things my mind will fire at me to make me hate myself is (honestly quite impressive for a dissociated position) but so constrictive. I have tried to say verbatim what my mind thinks, but for me there's three different ways it comes. 1. The first quick fire insult. Then the rethink thought. Then what I say/write. And boy are they all extremely different. A million voices constantly screaming at me about how I'm not good enough. How you can tell from the position I'm in now. The lack of friends. No relationships. And every two seconds someone is calling me fucking passive or not fucking genuine.

Example, a coworker (I spoke to 3 times before this) told me I was "her best friend" because everyone is fake. I was helpful with her situation that happened yesterday and today. Does that matter? No, because Im a passive bitch that adds periods to the END OF A SENTENCE!!!!! The mental gymnastics in today's day and age... I can't I truly can't. It's one lie after another with fucking everyone.

It so ridiculous. I'm supposed to listen to everybody, be everyone's shoulder to cry on or IM THE BITCH!! But the second I wanna cry, share my life story, or add anything to the fucking conversation; no one has anything to fucking contribute. I'm so fucking tired of wasting my energy on people who can't give a fuck about me in this fucking slightest. I am so ctb November/December. I can't in Oct because that's my sister month. I'm talking that form her but it's going to be the 9th (if that's even real) level of hell for me to and work for the rest of the year.

 

[EmptyEater]

Question your negative thoughts. If you can't find conclusive evidence maybe your brain is just being a dick. If you aren't 100% certain things will turn out as you expect, take the risk and find out.

You also have to be patient with yourself and let yourself fail. You're learning a new skill, no one gets it perfect on the first try.

 

[Jobless_Programmer]

Your problems might seem small but they are your problems. I've found that it's never the "what" but always the "who", but I'd say your problems are shared by a lot of people. I know I do that same thing. It's hard to break the ice. Guess that's why they call it that, cause I'm assuming ice is hard to break. Not that I'd really know though I haven't spent too much time breaking ice, but I would imagine it might be tough.

Yeah I guess everyone have their own "big" problems. This ice thing is a problem when you're not very social in your early days of adolescence I guess, since this is the time where you have all the time in the world to do whever you want but you don't, you lose touch with your inner-self and you don't mature, at least for me It feels this way, I rarely would leave home for something.

When I was in the hospital, my anxiety made me doubt if I was breathing too fast or slow whenever they took my heart rate. The things my mind will fire at me to make me hate myself is (honestly quite impressive for a dissociated position) but so constrictive. I have tried to say verbatim what my mind thinks, but for me there's three different ways it comes. 1. The first quick fire insult. Then the rethink thought. Then what I say/write. And boy are they all extremely different. A million voices constantly screaming at me about how I'm not good enough. How you can tell from the position I'm in now. The lack of friends. No relationships. And every two seconds someone is calling me fucking passive or not fucking genuine.

Example, a coworker (I spoke to 3 times before this) told me I was "her best friend" because everyone is fake. I was helpful with her situation that happened yesterday and today. Does that matter? No, because Im a passive bitch that adds periods to the END OF A SENTENCE!!!!! The mental gymnastics in today's day and age... I can't I truly can't. It's one lie after another with fucking everyone.

It so ridiculous. I'm supposed to listen to everybody, be everyone's shoulder to cry on or IM THE BITCH!! But the second I wanna cry, share my life story, or add anything to the fucking conversation; no one has anything to fucking contribute. I'm so fucking tired of wasting my energy on people who can't give a fuck about me in this fucking slightest. I am so ctb November/December. I can't in Oct because that's my sister month. I'm talking that form her but it's going to be the 9th (if that's even real) level of hell for me to and work for the rest of the year.

Hey mate, I'm also a people pleaser too, I'm getting better recently at being myself and more autentic, but for the past years I basically lied to other people to make them feel better, impersonated something near other people to make them feel great and basically just ignored my own needs. Your history remember of myself too, where I tended to talk about their problems and help them, but in return they wouldn't hear me back again, and boy I have a lot to talk about too. It got better when I just stopped caring about them and started focusing on myself, studying what I like, doing my job focused, playing my favorite games, I basically inverted my eyes to look more inside of me than the outside. Why were you in the hospital by the way, what's your history my friend?

Question your negative thoughts. If you can't find conclusive evidence maybe your brain is just being a dick. If you aren't 100% certain things will turn out as you expect, take the risk and find out.

You also have to be patient with yourself and let yourself fail. You're learning a new skill, no one gets it perfect on the first try.

Yeah thanks! I'm getting better at it, it's just lack of experience I guess. I never had this level of social interaction before in my past years, so I guess I'm going through it now and it's hard since I'm a bit aged.

 

[Alo the obvi alien]

Hey mate, I'm also a people pleaser too, I'm getting better recently at being myself and more autentic, but for the past years I basically lied to other people to make them feel better, impersonated something near other people to make them feel great and basically just ignored my own needs. Your history remember of myself too, where I tended to talk about their problems and help them, but in return they wouldn't hear me back again, and boy I have a lot to talk about too. It got better when I just stopped caring about them and started focusing on myself, studying what I like, doing my job focused, playing my favorite games, I basically inverted my eyes to look more inside of me than the outside. Why were you in the hospital by the way, what's your history my friend?

I wish it was easy but every time I am myself, I am too much or not enough for literally everyone that meets me for more than a day. People want everyone to be authentic until people are authentic. I wish I could just walk away but if I am being completely honest with myself I get triggered that if I don't help them they will CTB like someone I knew in middle school. I (10+ years later) still feel like it was my fault for not helping when they were begging me to call them in the middle of the night. Now, I always feel like the next person that vents to me will CTB if I don't do everything in my power to help.

I was in the hospital three times. Twice for trying to CTB and once for "trying to CTB".

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

How much of your life are you willing to waste on worrying about what others think? On any type of fear in general? We waste an absurd amount of our lives on negative thoughts. When is enough enough?