Help Help me how i can go or disappear?

[Pleaseletme]

Guys this depression make me so unfaithfull in my skills that i Just can't get up from bed. I did all my best. I tried. I swear i tried. Do you think envy can make you all down? Because i was a friendly guys. A lot of Friends, good at university, going to the Gym, playing in a band, then depression. I dropped everything. And again. After horrible years thinking i was not good at anything, i did some humble work as waiters or enterteiner and then , when i was finally Happy as scuba dive guide in a remote Island.. pandemic started, i had a psycosis maybe due to weed or a weird one. But i started to think i was God. And i started to be aggressive because no One believes me. They hitted me, arrested me, i went to asylum, but ok i was saved and i back home. The fact Is that i start to write eeeeveryone about his story " i talked to God" "i know my Mission" "i was arrested" "i went asylum"... Which Mission? I am home depressed now, can t find a job. I think i don't know how to do anything anymore. Doctor Say "It s ok you feel like this because you felt as you where god, now you have to do university and take a degree in marine biology so you can get out of depression". Are you kidding me? I feel like the last Person on earth. I don t want to go out of home because i told everyone this story. Too many people know me. I was a good person. I swear. Now i Just envy everyone else. I want to ctb. But i feel so stupid, i don t even know how. You talk about take this and this and this. I don t know where to take this stuff and i don't have Money. So the only would be a drop off or a hanging. But holy shit. The fact Is that i was pretty spiritual and i am so scared about soul destiny if you commit suicide. And my mother :( She fucking said that if i do that She do Also. Maybe i Need cynaide from bitter almond? Fucking social media everyone know about this and this. I feel useless. What can i do? Get up at night and go for a train? I am so scared about pain. I would like t
not wake up. I know It s dreaming. But real depression Is so Bad i feel so Bad. All my Friends.. have their Life.. i don t want to put pressure on them. I did It All the Summer because i was super energized thinking i saw "the Truth" and wanted to share with them. Fuck i know to many people and they know i am fucking home depressed. I wake up and i stay in Bad tring to dall' asleep again. I don t see way out. All i have at 26 years is a scuba licence, i can t apply because First Aid Will expire soon. And no Money left. Depending by mom. When my collegue started to do Réunion i can t go. I feel the worst. Fucking social i want to disappear, there Is a chance to disappear! Thank you for read guys.