lost_one
Once
- Nov 3, 2024
- 94
Idk how to feel about this, but it has been about a year that I have been with this therapist, so I guess it was about time, I am starting to feel stuck again in therapy, and started to think about quitting then today happened, this afternoon I went to therapy and the session just completely de-railed.
We aterted talking about how I feel hopeless and impotent most of the time, that was fine (we were talking a lot about environmental stuff cause as chliché as it it I care a lot about that) but then the conversation sort of shifted when she said:
"Do you care about this in a personal level?"
Yes! That is why I choose this as my profession.
Ok, what about people?
Well people can take care of themselves. I care about the plants and animals that can't that is what I care about.
But those aren't beings that live by themselves (she meant humans, I asked her to clarify later)
Then she pivoted from the environment
Julia you need other people, you can't live isolated "never needing anyone" and I should try and be better at asking for help.
I do have a hard time trusting people, and she knows that, because for most of my life anyone I depended on let me down or f*cked me over, and I told her I only ask for help when I truly need it, and that I don't insist.
she asked for recent examples, I provided two, one a group project in college, where behold, I am having to do all the work by myself essencially. The second a classmate I asked for help re-potting or potting some plants cause she is studying on becoming and expert on bromeliads, idk much about them, and she said yes then canceled last minute. not terrible aggregious things, but annoying every day things that make want to do everything by myself. (not wasting time trying to ask for help)
She said I was being harsh. And said have you never cancelled plans last minute?
I have, yes, but I try to avoid that at all costs, I don't just spring and say yes and sure without tinking if I actually want to or can go through with those plans, I gave her an example. I have two things that are supposed to happend on may 31, and I need to figure things out, right can one of them be re-schelued, so I didn't confirm either. ( note I was starting to get a but pissed at this point)
and she said and I quote: and you are so proud of that?! like it's much better. you know you are leaving them hanging.
(I felt a bit attacked) I was like, well I need to confirm with the other people first, and I am not proud of myself, but I do think it is better.
Well actually those situations don't match cause to your teacher it doesn't actually matter if you go on the trip or not... ( I have a trip from my laboratory and a presentation from another class the same day, and wanted to see the the teacher minded changing my presentation to the next week, which I think is fine, cause I technically have until the end of the semester to do it)
I was like, well it matter a bit because she needs to make a list and send to the driver of the bus and to the park, with the relation of students that are going.
well then it is not much better. she said.
I think it is still better then telling her I would go and then last minute just be like, well actually...I won't be going. Thanks for saving that seat on the bus for me.
You know, you are to inflexible, to all or nothing. ( I am a bit, and like she said as well and I agree I am quite literal as well)
I don't remember the exact moment but she also said I should give people more chances, I should insist more, according to her I should insist 3 times, as opposed to the one time I ask for things.
I told her I will ask twice, is that good for you?
it wasn't. but she said there was nothing she could do.
again she said I should give people a chance and be less harsh
anyway I said I was already kind of mad: I won't waste my time waiting around for people who don't deserve it. I treat people the way they treat me. If I am an after thought to you, you are the same to me. (tit for tat). I am tired of spending time and energy on people, I have done that enough.
She thinks it's normal to cancel plans last minute, it happens. I shouldn't let past experiences define me, like these are new people, not the same ones that have let me down in the past, but they are still acting similarly.
And maybe I am crazy, but I feel like I can tell the pattern of behaviour.
She went with I am sure people do lots of things for you, and you just don't notice them. and her bright example of this was....
Some guys that where cutting down a tree and I asked if I could take the epiphytes from the branches on the ground and they said yes. That! That was her "smoking gun" to prove I was wrong. It just felt dumb, because the thing is they didn't really have to do anything for me, all they did for me was say yes, and then they moved on with their work whilst I gathered my plants.
They could have said no!
Yes they could, so…
I don't get it. One thing doesn't null the other.
She said I was being stubborn. contraring her, just for the sake of it.
I said I was not going to spend my energy and time on people that don't deserve it, I don't have a whole of it ( this is probably out of order, I am tired and I suck)
She said that all people have energy or all people have the same amount of energy, and that I have the energy I am just not willing to spend it. (I was so pissed at this point)
And I replied well yes, I don't have that much energy.
Yes you do.
No, I don't but see… and I paused. And I thought something and decided to say it out loud.
See this is a perfect example,I am at a cross roads, should I just agree with you and shut up or should I try to explain to you why I don't have much energy, because I don't think you will belive me…
Which is what you always do, you always "just" agrees with me and then says nothing, because it is "not worth saying it", you should tell me things…
Should I explain this time then?
No, let me say something.
Really ?! So you don't want to hear then?
Well you never say it, and now you are just saying it to be stubborn and contrary. To prove a point. And I don't want to hear it then. She just kept going from the sentence about energy again, you have energy you just don't want to spend it and you should really..
No! Well now I going to explain!
No! let me speak. she said.
Look I never feel like doing anything ever, if I could I would lay on my bedroom floor all day and stare at the ceiling.
Stop talking, I am not going to hear it.
Honestly and you know that, actually if I wasn't such a coward I would jump out of my window, but I am getting side tracked.
She just got up and said our session is over. Please leave.
Are you serious?
Yes, you are just being contrary, I don't know why you do that, but I not going to listen to this. if you have anything of meaning to tell me you can text me.
So I said okay and left.
I was so disappointed when I left. Cause I couldn't convince her I wasn't just being stubborn or contradicting her on purpose (despite my angry tone, I was angry) I feel tired, low energy and unmotivated most of the time, I am thinking of quitting therapy again. I am spending so much money on it, and I know I am probably the problem, but I just don't see the point. Guess what…I am tired, and this is too much work. I'd rather just lay in my bed and cry, and cut myself, idk.
The original text I wrote on micrsoft word is so much worse.
The bottom line: I don't understand her, and I don't think she understands me. I am thinking of quitting I am still trying to understand what happened today. I am not an easy patient, no I have severe depression. I have tried to CBT a few times, I hate myself and I get but idk what to do. Sometimes I feel like she diminishes or invalidades the things I say, like they are no big deal. There is the whole ADHD thing, but that isn't relevant.
I am tired and depressed and this has honestly ruined the rest of my day, and it's nearly mid-night now. Any advice? am I a bitch ? is she wrong at all? I don't really trust myself anymore.
This is so fucking long and I apologize
We aterted talking about how I feel hopeless and impotent most of the time, that was fine (we were talking a lot about environmental stuff cause as chliché as it it I care a lot about that) but then the conversation sort of shifted when she said:
"Do you care about this in a personal level?"
Yes! That is why I choose this as my profession.
Ok, what about people?
Well people can take care of themselves. I care about the plants and animals that can't that is what I care about.
But those aren't beings that live by themselves (she meant humans, I asked her to clarify later)
Then she pivoted from the environment
Julia you need other people, you can't live isolated "never needing anyone" and I should try and be better at asking for help.
I do have a hard time trusting people, and she knows that, because for most of my life anyone I depended on let me down or f*cked me over, and I told her I only ask for help when I truly need it, and that I don't insist.
she asked for recent examples, I provided two, one a group project in college, where behold, I am having to do all the work by myself essencially. The second a classmate I asked for help re-potting or potting some plants cause she is studying on becoming and expert on bromeliads, idk much about them, and she said yes then canceled last minute. not terrible aggregious things, but annoying every day things that make want to do everything by myself. (not wasting time trying to ask for help)
She said I was being harsh. And said have you never cancelled plans last minute?
I have, yes, but I try to avoid that at all costs, I don't just spring and say yes and sure without tinking if I actually want to or can go through with those plans, I gave her an example. I have two things that are supposed to happend on may 31, and I need to figure things out, right can one of them be re-schelued, so I didn't confirm either. ( note I was starting to get a but pissed at this point)
and she said and I quote: and you are so proud of that?! like it's much better. you know you are leaving them hanging.
(I felt a bit attacked) I was like, well I need to confirm with the other people first, and I am not proud of myself, but I do think it is better.
Well actually those situations don't match cause to your teacher it doesn't actually matter if you go on the trip or not... ( I have a trip from my laboratory and a presentation from another class the same day, and wanted to see the the teacher minded changing my presentation to the next week, which I think is fine, cause I technically have until the end of the semester to do it)
I was like, well it matter a bit because she needs to make a list and send to the driver of the bus and to the park, with the relation of students that are going.
well then it is not much better. she said.
I think it is still better then telling her I would go and then last minute just be like, well actually...I won't be going. Thanks for saving that seat on the bus for me.
You know, you are to inflexible, to all or nothing. ( I am a bit, and like she said as well and I agree I am quite literal as well)
I don't remember the exact moment but she also said I should give people more chances, I should insist more, according to her I should insist 3 times, as opposed to the one time I ask for things.
I told her I will ask twice, is that good for you?
it wasn't. but she said there was nothing she could do.
again she said I should give people a chance and be less harsh
anyway I said I was already kind of mad: I won't waste my time waiting around for people who don't deserve it. I treat people the way they treat me. If I am an after thought to you, you are the same to me. (tit for tat). I am tired of spending time and energy on people, I have done that enough.
She thinks it's normal to cancel plans last minute, it happens. I shouldn't let past experiences define me, like these are new people, not the same ones that have let me down in the past, but they are still acting similarly.
And maybe I am crazy, but I feel like I can tell the pattern of behaviour.
She went with I am sure people do lots of things for you, and you just don't notice them. and her bright example of this was....
Some guys that where cutting down a tree and I asked if I could take the epiphytes from the branches on the ground and they said yes. That! That was her "smoking gun" to prove I was wrong. It just felt dumb, because the thing is they didn't really have to do anything for me, all they did for me was say yes, and then they moved on with their work whilst I gathered my plants.
They could have said no!
Yes they could, so…
I don't get it. One thing doesn't null the other.
She said I was being stubborn. contraring her, just for the sake of it.
I said I was not going to spend my energy and time on people that don't deserve it, I don't have a whole of it ( this is probably out of order, I am tired and I suck)
She said that all people have energy or all people have the same amount of energy, and that I have the energy I am just not willing to spend it. (I was so pissed at this point)
And I replied well yes, I don't have that much energy.
Yes you do.
No, I don't but see… and I paused. And I thought something and decided to say it out loud.
See this is a perfect example,I am at a cross roads, should I just agree with you and shut up or should I try to explain to you why I don't have much energy, because I don't think you will belive me…
Which is what you always do, you always "just" agrees with me and then says nothing, because it is "not worth saying it", you should tell me things…
Should I explain this time then?
No, let me say something.
Really ?! So you don't want to hear then?
Well you never say it, and now you are just saying it to be stubborn and contrary. To prove a point. And I don't want to hear it then. She just kept going from the sentence about energy again, you have energy you just don't want to spend it and you should really..
No! Well now I going to explain!
No! let me speak. she said.
Look I never feel like doing anything ever, if I could I would lay on my bedroom floor all day and stare at the ceiling.
Stop talking, I am not going to hear it.
Honestly and you know that, actually if I wasn't such a coward I would jump out of my window, but I am getting side tracked.
She just got up and said our session is over. Please leave.
Are you serious?
Yes, you are just being contrary, I don't know why you do that, but I not going to listen to this. if you have anything of meaning to tell me you can text me.
So I said okay and left.
I was so disappointed when I left. Cause I couldn't convince her I wasn't just being stubborn or contradicting her on purpose (despite my angry tone, I was angry) I feel tired, low energy and unmotivated most of the time, I am thinking of quitting therapy again. I am spending so much money on it, and I know I am probably the problem, but I just don't see the point. Guess what…I am tired, and this is too much work. I'd rather just lay in my bed and cry, and cut myself, idk.
The original text I wrote on micrsoft word is so much worse.
The bottom line: I don't understand her, and I don't think she understands me. I am thinking of quitting I am still trying to understand what happened today. I am not an easy patient, no I have severe depression. I have tried to CBT a few times, I hate myself and I get but idk what to do. Sometimes I feel like she diminishes or invalidades the things I say, like they are no big deal. There is the whole ADHD thing, but that isn't relevant.
I am tired and depressed and this has honestly ruined the rest of my day, and it's nearly mid-night now. Any advice? am I a bitch ? is she wrong at all? I don't really trust myself anymore.
This is so fucking long and I apologize
