help I think.

[bumoshi]

I have some questions down all of this, if maybe you want to help or idk.
I can't stop thinking that I'm selfish for being like I am, of for thinking that committing suicide is the only solution at my problems, but I really really want to die, but I'm scared of pain.
I was verbally and psychologically abused by my grandma and now my dad, it started when I was 9 years old, at 12 I started cutting myself, I didn't have any friend I was
always in my room with my phone playing games and listen how my family screams at the other room, I always wished that I was never born, my mom says that I'm not a mistake but I know I'm a big one because none of my parents love me.
It was a time that I was better because I met a boy, that too finished psychological abusing me and using me to return with his ex, he was heterosexual and I'm a boy so, I knew that he was using me but I felt good because someone said that "he understand me", he left me after a year and I started being depressed again, I have very important trust issues and social anxiety, I'm scared of go outside of my room.
Now I started to feel empty, I make new friends but then already started to ignore me, so I don't have friend anymore, I play videogames all days, and I barely eat chips and drink energy drinks, I sleep 4 hours a day because when I want to sleep I just can't, and in the afternoons when I try to sleep a little I feel bad when I wake up because its not the next day. My mom is the only person that actually care a little about me but, she is dying, she has a lot of diseases, and recently the doctors said that she has cancer so I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't have a job, I'm useless, my father is right.
I'm in Spain so I don't what methods are possible in here, I think maybe hanging myself will be the only option? I wanted to ask to if someone knows how to hide self harm marks? I want to do it again but I dont want anyone to know, and I'm sorry if this is stupid or to boring to read, thanks.

 

[qwerty_in_me]

aight so if you are sure about suicide and you want to hang yourself I suggest you break your neck instead of suffocating. You do this by droping down far enought that the rope breaks your neck, you also try to collect aple, peach and nectarene seeds, grind them and ingest the paste for cyanide poisoning.
If however you are looking for help, leave your room and go out into the world, but this might be hard with the quarantene and all.

in short-you are in a do or die shituation and only courage will help you out.
P.S. feeling guilt for the feeling of selfishness is quite normal and I'm still kinda struggeling with it but the best thing you can do is to accept that you care about yourself because noone else does!