Help and advice for my method

[nomennescio]

So I wont be explaining all the reasons why and my complete life story.
At this point i feel so much at peace with my decision to end it and it is the only thought that calms me down now and i am genuinely looking more forward to the eternal peace than anything life could offer me or has ever offered me. The thought of not being here anymore soon is the closest i can come to a "content" feeling.

Years ago I had a psychiatric nurse give me the advice to just try and if i really felt like ctb then that will always be an option and i could hold on to that. I feel like the past ten years this is what i have done, (always with these constant suicidal thoughts in mind, holding on to that) and the outcome is that life isnt for me and this is the only option remaining, im empty and have no strength anymore whatsoever. Ive been having suicidal thoughts since i was a child. Right now i feel more at peace with it than ever, knowing ive tried, no second thoughts at all and even the stress about the moment itself is low. Only the practical and technical parts gives me stress.

Ive never done any attempts, cause ive always known that if i would i wanted it to be done in once, also to prevent falling in hands of "professionals" and above that killing yourself aint as easy as some people might think. Did try the partial hanging to see if that would be a good one, but it doenst seem to work for me.
The only thing that genuinely scares me so much is doing something wrong, or being found and ending up even worse.

So anyway, i researched a lot and have decided to go with the carbon monoxide method. I read a lot of the megathread on it, but could use some advice on how to handle this.
I have a portable gas generator (650w). My initial plan was to do this in my car. But where i live everything is so packed there barely any remote places, theres always a house or something within 500meters lol. Makes me not feel safe since of course chances to be found have to be low as possible. I think the stress of being found will be too big if i just park my car somewhere near a forest or something. So if anyone has any smart ideas about that would be welcome.

Second option is to do it coming weekend in the small bathroom in my house, i will be alone a day and there wont be anyone home until late night/early morning. Thing about this that it would be most comfortable as it will be in my own environment but i am scared i will be found too quickly. I prefer to do it at night rather than during the day. In this case because of the sound of the generator (53db) i would go for the good old barbecue method, and use about 4 instant grills. To be sure.

Third option is booking a place like airbnb that is somewhat deserted so i will have all the time and privacy i need. In this case i would probably do it in the bathroom (i will tape all the air vents and gaps with isolation tape and duct tape). In this case i think it will be more practical to go with a few instant barbecues as well instead of the gas generator. Depends on how remote the place is, maybe if i find a place with the option of doing it in privacy in my parked car i would still go with that, car+portable generator. I would make sure its really a holiday place and not someones actual home and will make sure there are indications that they shouldnt enter but call for authorities, as i dont want to traumatize other people of course. I will book an extra night to be sure and be relaxed.

Along with the carbon monoxide i will also take a good amount of benzos, so it will be easy to go to sleep. I have around 500mg temazepam and around 800 mg oxazepam. Planning to take a little temazepam before, as it makes me more relaxed and take the tension off as much as possible, then some more to fall a sleep and the oxazepam will be more so i will hopefully sleep as long as possible for the carbon monoxide to do its work.
I also have a good amount of zyprexa,amitriptyline and seroxat, but i dont think that will be of any value to reach my goal.
I am 1.73m and about 45 kg. My physical state is quite weak.

So if anyone reads anything that could cause something to go wrong please let me know and if you have any advice on the execution of the method and what sounds best to you or any other advice or ideas please do let me know.
Its a pretty lonely process.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Planning one's suicide is definitely a lonely process. I can empathize.

Anyway, to me, the best method you mention is using the 4 grills inside of your small bathroom. I just hope that is enough, since you won't be using a meter to measure the actual CO level.

The AirBNB method sounds good, too. If you get a remote enough place, you could just CTB right there on the property in your car and not have to worry about anything to do with the house. I'm not sold on the generator, though. They make the equipment of today to be much cleaner burning, hence less CO emitting. If it were me ,I'd just buy my own charcoal, some good lump, 100% carbon charcoal, and use a portable grill, or two, or three, or even some small metal buckets. I have no idea what type of charcoal they use in those instant grills.

 

[sayire]

I have a portable gas generator (650w).

Does this generator have a way to send the exhaust through a tube? If yes, perhaps you can filter the exhaust and store in a bag.

I have not personally generated co using generator but thought about it. The generator can stop after sometime, when you can be unconscious and the concentration is not enough to meet your goal. CO method without CO meter can be risky as you do not have a way to know exactly how much CO you have generated for the size of the space and air tightness of that space

 

[nomennescio]

Does this generator have a way to send the exhaust through a tube? If yes, perhaps you can filter the exhaust and store in a bag.

I have not personally generated co using generator but thought about it. The generator can stop after sometime, when you can be unconscious and the concentration is not enough to meet your goal. CO method without CO meter can be risky as you do not have a way to know exactly how much CO you have generated for the size of the space and air tightness of that space

Yea, i know the generator can shut off after a while, read a lot that levels can be really high very quicky… im not that technical further, unfortunately. Im aware that a co meter is really recommended, but idk it feels a bit too technical and idk i dont really wanna deal with all that stress although it maybe a dumb decision.. maybe ill try to get my hands on it..
This is the generator i have btw



Im kinda starting to doubt if the charcoal method maybe is better.. or just hook this up in a sealed bathroom? If the place is remote enough considering the noise of course..

Pff dying a little bit peaceful costs so much energy
Also i did read about some cases where they put the generator in the car with the trunk open, so it kept running. Which i dont really get cause the co escapes that way?

Planning one's suicide is definitely a lonely process. I can empathize.

Anyway, to me, the best method you mention is using the 4 grills inside of your small bathroom. I just hope that is enough, since you won't be using a meter to measure the actual CO level.

The AirBNB method sounds good, too. If you get a remote enough place, you could just CTB right there on the property in your car and not have to worry about anything to do with the house. I'm not sold on the generator, though. They make the equipment of today to be much cleaner burning, hence less CO emitting. If it were me ,I'd just buy my own charcoal, some good lump, 100% carbon charcoal, and use a portable grill, or two, or three, or even some small metal buckets. I have no idea what type of charcoal they use in those instant grills.

Hmm yea im starting to lean more towards the charcoal method.. not to keen on doing that in the car..
Bathroom seems most comfortable as i could wrap myself up nicely in some blankets and maybe even a bathub..
In that case i do think i will go with an actual barbecue and just burn a few kgs good charcoal. Maybe like others mentioned do get the meter, as it really has to go right and im terribly scared of being found too early or waking up in god knows what state..

Thanks a lot for thinking with me and the advice! Any other like practical stuff or steps i should take or be aware of would be welcome to hear.

 

[nomennescio]

Oh and also i was wondering.. how about a little sauna cabin?

 

[sayire]

Oh and also i was wondering.. how about a little sauna cabin?

if you can have sauna cabin to yourself, you have options.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Oh and also i was wondering.. how about a little sauna cabin?

I like it. Nice and small. Like a large tent. Would have to make sure everything is sealed up nice and tight, though.

 

[nomennescio]

I like it. Nice and small. Like a large tent. Would have to make sure everything is sealed up nice and tight, though.

Right? I will seal everything with isolation tape and duct tape, in this case. If anyone knows things that i absolutely have to keep in mind let me know.

It will be either this or the bathroom, like those small shower cabins seem quite suitable as well. Just wish i could do it in my own environment.

im too scared of doing it in the car with the chance of being heard or the generator shutting off too quickly. Tho i still think the generator method will get much higher levels in less time than the charcoal… also no way im bringing a barbecue in my car and going over all that hassle, i would see myself lighting up my car and be a complete clown


The co meters that measure over 10000 ppm are so expensive and hard to get my hands on..
but anyway around 4kgs of real charcoal (so no briquettes or anything) in a small bathroom must do the job… i am just overthinking everything so much right now i think..

Appreciate the help a lot thanks guys

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Just wish i could do it in my own environment.

Certainly can understand this.

Tho i still think the generator method will get much higher levels in less time than the charcoal…

I don't

The co meters that measure over 10000 ppm are so expensive and hard to get my hands on..

Yeah, not cheap. Figure around $300 US.

 

[nomennescio]

Certainly can understand this.


I don't


Yeah, not cheap. Figure around $300 US.

Okay, so you say go with the charcoal. Less risk and just as fast?

 

[nomennescio]

Okay so a little update.
In the meantime i got sn, somewhat impulsively, as i read good stuff. Now that i have it i feel anxious, scared of pain, lots of distress, failing.

So im thinking about the co method again. Found a holiday residency with a very small sauna. Thinking about hooking up either the generator in there. Or taking bbq in there. Scared that it will be too small and i will get claustrofobic, panic, and maybe get out? Would that be possible? If i fill it up enough with co before getting in there and being able to walk out, could it lead to brain damage?

This is what the sauna looks like. Would be great if i could just get in lay down and go to sleep.. but im so anxious about everything again suddenly

 

[befree]

could it lead to brain damage?

It depends on the CO concentration in the sauna. A CO meter that goes up to 10.000 ppm or higher would be helpful.

 

[Euthanza]

I'd suggest that you spend "a test day" before "your real day" with this method, just to make sure everything goes smoothly according to the initial plan. This should eliminate the risk of
errors or surprises.

 

[nomennescio]

I'd suggest that you spend "a test day" before "your real day" with this method, just to make sure everything goes smoothly according to the initial plan. This should eliminate the risk of
errors or surprises.

Yes, i will definitely do this!

It depends on the CO concentration in the sauna. A CO meter that goes up to 10.000 ppm or higher would be helpful.

Yea i know testing it first seeing how quickly levels run up is the perfect way. Could i buy one that measures 1000 and then test with small amount of what i am going to use and then if i would multiply i could figure out how quickly it reaches what level. Or is this a completely dumb idea. My brain is not working the most smoothly these days lol

I would figure that like with around 4 kg charcoal and such a small place things would go fast right. I know you never can be too sure. All the preparation is so draining

If i am able to reach high levels, so the magic 10.000ppm then there would be no way that i could get out after a few minutes, right? Also combined with lots of benzos.

 

[befree]

No, the idea with the 1000 ppm CO meter won´t work. What do you estimate how many square meters or better how many cubic meters is the sauna ?
With a level of 10.000 ppm you probably can´t leave the sauna anymore after a few minutes. I guess you would quickly become unconscious at that level.

 

[nomennescio]

No, the idea with the 1000 ppm CO meter won´t work. What do you estimate how many square meters or better how many cubic meters is the sauna ?
With a level of 10.000 ppm you probably can´t leave the sauna anymore after a few minutes. I guess you would quickly become unconscious at that level.

between 3,5/4 m3 i guess? Its a 1 person cabin.

How quickly would you estimate passing out if you could make a guess? Will it be a matter of less than minutes?

 

[befree]

between 3,5/4 m3 i guess? Its a 1 person cabin.

How quickly would you estimate passing out if you could make a guess? Will it be a matter of less than minutes?

Nitrogen works faster. Usually it takes only a few breaths to become unconscious and only a few minutes to die. With CO both can take a little longer.
But there are also reports that people were unconscious after only 1-2 breaths. This may depend on the CO concentration in the room. So this question is difficult to answer. I would be more concerned about whether I´m successful with the method than how quickly I´m unconscious.

 

[nomennescio]

Hmm yea I understand. The Nitrogen thing is with the mask and everything right? Dont really like that idea.

And yes, but I figure that a method where the sooner ill be unconscious, the more chance of succeeding? Due to si and everything.

 

[befree]

the sooner ill be unconscious, the more chance of succeeding?

No. There are other factors that make a method successful. Fire fighters and scuba divers use masks for decades. So I don´t understand why this is a problem. It´s a closed system used for decades, that works automatically.

 

[nomennescio]

Idk, i dont know too much about the method to be fair. Just the thought of putting it on, and also risk of taking it off? Anyways co will be my first intended method i guess