Sphinxi
Member
- Jan 4, 2026
- 33
Hi, I just made my account here. I'm 20, and I am a philosophy student at university. I intend on leaving in about 2-3 weeks, after the new semester starts.
From a young age, I always knew that I would commit suicide. When my eldest brother, 13 years my senior, died when I was 6, I became infatuated with death. I acted out for attention, and I took great pleasure in people feeling sorry for me. This was made worse with the divorce of my parents and my other brother's addiction to heroin. Eventually, when I was 13, my father and my other brother hung themselves about two months apart. Since then, the idea of suicide has been crystal clear in my mind. I have attempted before, and when I was younger I would threaten suicide to friends constantly, my body is covered in self harm scars, and so on.
The reason I want to die soon is because of my ex girlfriend. We went on break in march, but we continued to talk every day, have sex, and so on. She was my only real friend. She is now with the president of the only club on campus that I would go to. In the month or so since this, I have not spoken to a soul, and it has made me ready to ctb. I feel very calm about this, and almost excited. Hopefully the resources here will help me get over the natural impulse for self preservation, and will ensure that my attempt goes smoothly. I look forward to chatting with the people here!
I forgot to mention: this new years, I took myself out to eat at a very nice restaurant alone. I read for a few hours, the food was amazing. I was convinced that I was going to die that day. I stood on a bridge in the city for an hour, but I just couldn't do it. Is there a way to overcome this? I wish I had jumped. Maybe if I drink beforehand?
From a young age, I always knew that I would commit suicide. When my eldest brother, 13 years my senior, died when I was 6, I became infatuated with death. I acted out for attention, and I took great pleasure in people feeling sorry for me. This was made worse with the divorce of my parents and my other brother's addiction to heroin. Eventually, when I was 13, my father and my other brother hung themselves about two months apart. Since then, the idea of suicide has been crystal clear in my mind. I have attempted before, and when I was younger I would threaten suicide to friends constantly, my body is covered in self harm scars, and so on.
The reason I want to die soon is because of my ex girlfriend. We went on break in march, but we continued to talk every day, have sex, and so on. She was my only real friend. She is now with the president of the only club on campus that I would go to. In the month or so since this, I have not spoken to a soul, and it has made me ready to ctb. I feel very calm about this, and almost excited. Hopefully the resources here will help me get over the natural impulse for self preservation, and will ensure that my attempt goes smoothly. I look forward to chatting with the people here!
I forgot to mention: this new years, I took myself out to eat at a very nice restaurant alone. I read for a few hours, the food was amazing. I was convinced that I was going to die that day. I stood on a bridge in the city for an hour, but I just couldn't do it. Is there a way to overcome this? I wish I had jumped. Maybe if I drink beforehand?
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