Hello, Im "Rose" and I just got approved for an account but I've been skimming the forum for a while now.
I've been suicidal since shortly after being diagnosed with JRA at age 7. I've suffer nothing but pain and abuses my entire life. I thought I was getting better (medically and mentally) but then in 2021 I got vagus nerve damage from a routine surgery and my life has been ripped away from me. I've fought and tried and failed to find relief in the years that followed and now I'm without any family at all and nowhere to live soon. Admittedly over the past 3 months or so I've pushed everyone away because I know what I'm about to do.
I've attempted legitimately twice - once at 17 with whatever otc crap was in the house. I felt at peace in that moment but obviously it didn't work. Just pissed my mom off. No therapy was had - just left in my room to bed rott after.
Then again around 20 I tried to slit my wrists but couldn't go deep enough. That was just pathetic really. I was homeless at the time so the hospital was at least a warm and clean space for a nap.
I'm considering several methods currently. I bought a gun but guns kinda freak me out. I shot it into a mattress to see how the exit wound would be. The idea of using hollow points and having half my head blown off doesn't feel ok to me.
I'm collecting medications also. All I have a lot of is propranolol which I've heard you need like 5g to OD on and it'll take months to get that colkected.
Now I'm learning to tie knots lol
I'm exploring all the theories but I keep talking myself out of one or the other but always keeping the old ideas on the back burner.
I was considering the KN method but I'm unsure how to source the poison. I have a script of reglan waiting for me at the pharmacy. I also have a large supply of propranolol and zofran (ondansetron) but nothing lethal yet. Is it reversible like SN?
I guess the part that worries me most is the visual results - blue face and such. I'd like to have an open casket.
I'm also toying with the ligature method hence the knot practice - I've ordered small bean bags to press against my arteries and some drawstring cord similar to my hoodie cord I've practiced with. I have heard this leaves behind the least obvious damage. I do have a ratchet strap already but I'm not sure which would be easier for me ultimately - thin cord and knots or ratchet strap? Idk. I do know the feeling of *almost* passing out from this style method and it does feel nice at least. A fun buzz before fainting.
I guess I'm exhibiting the Typical suicidal female stuff - wanting to leave behind a beautiful corpse and no mess.
I've also considering going downtown and just slamming a bunch of heroin but I don't want to end up labeled a disgraceful junky-overdose. I've been off hard drugs since my early 20s but ppl will gossip ya know?
I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss cremation arrangements. Don't think I can afford pre-paying but I'd like to get more info so I can at least write down all my requests and give locations and names for contact after I'm gone.
I also did a half-assed will but I own nothing really. Just a bank account with my SSDI deposits. My soon to be ex husband made sure of that. I've been emotionally and financially abused by him for a decade.
I moved all my sentimental stuff to a storage unit so ppl can sort through it when they're ready. Nothing of value to anyone but me really. I really have no assets to speak of.
I've written the obituary and the funeral pamphlet. Also the CTB note for whoever finds me.
I also ordered my funeral dress. hoping it arrives early.
I have the house to myself at this moment though so I'm trying to use what little energy I have to prepare. I'm really very physically sick but some days I can manage. My health waxes and wanes but it's progressively worsening and incurable and a lifetime of chronic illness experience has shown me what life will be like in the few short years to come. Any chance of finding joy and fun while still alive has been taken. I can't even enjoy food without pain. Hunger hurts less. Travel isn't affordable or comfortable. There's nothing left but bed rotting and living off $750/m SSDI.
I was even considering the starvation method due to my gastroparesis becuase I'm already down 20 pounds and barely eating at all so it's not such a stretch.. but that takes too long. I figure if I drop weight maybe less medication or poison would be needed so it's an overlap I'm ok with.
My birthday is on the 30th. But there's something important for SSDI I need to accomplish on March 5 (applying for my child to get dependent back pay from SSDI so I can at least leave behind some cash for her) so I'm trying my best to get everything arranged but damn it's hard to hold on.
I'll keep reading and learning here until I can come to terms with a method and a date.
I've been suicidal since shortly after being diagnosed with JRA at age 7. I've suffer nothing but pain and abuses my entire life. I thought I was getting better (medically and mentally) but then in 2021 I got vagus nerve damage from a routine surgery and my life has been ripped away from me. I've fought and tried and failed to find relief in the years that followed and now I'm without any family at all and nowhere to live soon. Admittedly over the past 3 months or so I've pushed everyone away because I know what I'm about to do.
I've attempted legitimately twice - once at 17 with whatever otc crap was in the house. I felt at peace in that moment but obviously it didn't work. Just pissed my mom off. No therapy was had - just left in my room to bed rott after.
Then again around 20 I tried to slit my wrists but couldn't go deep enough. That was just pathetic really. I was homeless at the time so the hospital was at least a warm and clean space for a nap.
I'm considering several methods currently. I bought a gun but guns kinda freak me out. I shot it into a mattress to see how the exit wound would be. The idea of using hollow points and having half my head blown off doesn't feel ok to me.
I'm collecting medications also. All I have a lot of is propranolol which I've heard you need like 5g to OD on and it'll take months to get that colkected.
Now I'm learning to tie knots lol
I'm exploring all the theories but I keep talking myself out of one or the other but always keeping the old ideas on the back burner.
I was considering the KN method but I'm unsure how to source the poison. I have a script of reglan waiting for me at the pharmacy. I also have a large supply of propranolol and zofran (ondansetron) but nothing lethal yet. Is it reversible like SN?
I guess the part that worries me most is the visual results - blue face and such. I'd like to have an open casket.
I'm also toying with the ligature method hence the knot practice - I've ordered small bean bags to press against my arteries and some drawstring cord similar to my hoodie cord I've practiced with. I have heard this leaves behind the least obvious damage. I do have a ratchet strap already but I'm not sure which would be easier for me ultimately - thin cord and knots or ratchet strap? Idk. I do know the feeling of *almost* passing out from this style method and it does feel nice at least. A fun buzz before fainting.
I guess I'm exhibiting the Typical suicidal female stuff - wanting to leave behind a beautiful corpse and no mess.
I've also considering going downtown and just slamming a bunch of heroin but I don't want to end up labeled a disgraceful junky-overdose. I've been off hard drugs since my early 20s but ppl will gossip ya know?
I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss cremation arrangements. Don't think I can afford pre-paying but I'd like to get more info so I can at least write down all my requests and give locations and names for contact after I'm gone.
I also did a half-assed will but I own nothing really. Just a bank account with my SSDI deposits. My soon to be ex husband made sure of that. I've been emotionally and financially abused by him for a decade.
I moved all my sentimental stuff to a storage unit so ppl can sort through it when they're ready. Nothing of value to anyone but me really. I really have no assets to speak of.
I've written the obituary and the funeral pamphlet. Also the CTB note for whoever finds me.
I also ordered my funeral dress. hoping it arrives early.
I have the house to myself at this moment though so I'm trying to use what little energy I have to prepare. I'm really very physically sick but some days I can manage. My health waxes and wanes but it's progressively worsening and incurable and a lifetime of chronic illness experience has shown me what life will be like in the few short years to come. Any chance of finding joy and fun while still alive has been taken. I can't even enjoy food without pain. Hunger hurts less. Travel isn't affordable or comfortable. There's nothing left but bed rotting and living off $750/m SSDI.
I was even considering the starvation method due to my gastroparesis becuase I'm already down 20 pounds and barely eating at all so it's not such a stretch.. but that takes too long. I figure if I drop weight maybe less medication or poison would be needed so it's an overlap I'm ok with.
My birthday is on the 30th. But there's something important for SSDI I need to accomplish on March 5 (applying for my child to get dependent back pay from SSDI so I can at least leave behind some cash for her) so I'm trying my best to get everything arranged but damn it's hard to hold on.
I'll keep reading and learning here until I can come to terms with a method and a date.
