Hello friends,
I just turned 31, I am so disgusted with myself and just don't want to fight anymore. I used to be able to recover from dark times with a glimmer of hope. So many things are driving me crazy- loneliness, invisibility, girls, technology, wondering if I'm actually retarded. I am a pretty old fashioned person and used to enjoy making people laugh but people can just tell that I'm so jaded and down. They can see through my faking it now. I've spent a lot of my life practicing music and just regret doing all that crap because it's a lonely hobby. I have a good degree but my depression and anxiety has always held me back. Girl that I really loved dumped me recently. This is kind of the moment that has put me over the edge. I wish I would have just cared about career more or something but I just don't have that kind of a personality. I wish I would have killed myself a long time ago. I don't want to be 40 and be in this same spot. I know from experience that I don't know how to improve my mental health. I run 20 miles a week and try to be positive but I just can't see past the darkness. I'm very lonely and have never kept my friends because of anxiety/jealousy/depression. Whatever, the list goes on. I don't like my life and I guess this is just a brief vent. I obsess about suicide all the time and would like to put it into action rather than just think and talk about it.
I'm here to connect with you all and learn more about which method will be best for me. I always wish my dad had guns growing up. Here in the US, if I've been to a mental hospital does that mean I won't be able to buy a gun? I've seen many psychiatrists and psychologists' since my early 20s and checked myself into a day mental hospital program twice. I've see a lot about this sodium nitrite method. What method do you think is best? I would like the gun method because it seems so quick and has a high success rate. I fantasize about swimming across lake michigan and enjoyed reading the story from a few days ago about the guy who did something like this. Is there anywhere where there are layman's directions about how to do the Sodium Nitrite method? I often get confused when reading all these technical terms. Also, are there any podcast or youtube videos that provide information about methods or just talk about suicide? I walk around my city all the time and just listen to audiobooks. Anyways, I hope everyone is having a peaceful Saturday.
I just turned 31, I am so disgusted with myself and just don't want to fight anymore. I used to be able to recover from dark times with a glimmer of hope. So many things are driving me crazy- loneliness, invisibility, girls, technology, wondering if I'm actually retarded. I am a pretty old fashioned person and used to enjoy making people laugh but people can just tell that I'm so jaded and down. They can see through my faking it now. I've spent a lot of my life practicing music and just regret doing all that crap because it's a lonely hobby. I have a good degree but my depression and anxiety has always held me back. Girl that I really loved dumped me recently. This is kind of the moment that has put me over the edge. I wish I would have just cared about career more or something but I just don't have that kind of a personality. I wish I would have killed myself a long time ago. I don't want to be 40 and be in this same spot. I know from experience that I don't know how to improve my mental health. I run 20 miles a week and try to be positive but I just can't see past the darkness. I'm very lonely and have never kept my friends because of anxiety/jealousy/depression. Whatever, the list goes on. I don't like my life and I guess this is just a brief vent. I obsess about suicide all the time and would like to put it into action rather than just think and talk about it.
I'm here to connect with you all and learn more about which method will be best for me. I always wish my dad had guns growing up. Here in the US, if I've been to a mental hospital does that mean I won't be able to buy a gun? I've seen many psychiatrists and psychologists' since my early 20s and checked myself into a day mental hospital program twice. I've see a lot about this sodium nitrite method. What method do you think is best? I would like the gun method because it seems so quick and has a high success rate. I fantasize about swimming across lake michigan and enjoyed reading the story from a few days ago about the guy who did something like this. Is there anywhere where there are layman's directions about how to do the Sodium Nitrite method? I often get confused when reading all these technical terms. Also, are there any podcast or youtube videos that provide information about methods or just talk about suicide? I walk around my city all the time and just listen to audiobooks. Anyways, I hope everyone is having a peaceful Saturday.
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