Hi everyone
Well it has finally happened and I end up in one of these places. Honestly I thought years ago when my mood was still quite good that I might end up commiting suicide one day. Seems like I'm on a good way...
Anyway, I'm a thirty year old dude. In some ways an easy life, in some ways a very hard life. And now extremely hard. But let's start at the beginning.
I was always pretty sensitive and an emotionally somewhat selfish person (that I hid well behind false humility). I had a caring mother but my brother took a lot of attention when we were young and so I ended up feeling neglected. My mom was also working quite a bit so we were often at relatives, which didn't help my emotional growing either. I guess with this the groundwork for my future problems was laid. I hid my problems behind an intellectual personality, also in an attempt to get my mothers attention back. Worked so-so. In school I was always a bit of an outsider (plus a very good student), preffering to do my own thing. This worked out for some years and then I was occasionally bullied in elementary school. If I wasn't unable to make friendships before, I definitely became unable afterwards. I stayed the outsider throughout my entire school life and never had a real friend (more like acquaintances). I coped by playing video games excessively. I was addicted (mostly World of Warcraft), although to some degrees it was also an actual hobby. I have rarely done what I actually wanted. What I did was only partially enjoable, most of my activities were there to distract me from my problems that still remained often subconcious.
I chose my career by practical standards: easy to get a job, good payment, good hours. But since I was emotionally stunted, I was not able to chose something I would actually have liked to do. I now have this good paying low-stress job, that is totally unfulfilling. The good thing from university was though that I did make some friends. Ah and yes, I am a thirty years old virgin. Emotional problems don't go well with getting a girl friend. Being a nerd doesn't help either.
When I started working I of course had to cut my gaming time which was when I first became acquianted with my mental health problems (first passive suicidal ideation). I realised how lonely I was since I wasnt seeing my friends were often and my friend circle still was very small. I started taking dance classes and tried to expand my friend circle. I think my friend circle is mostly good by now. After that I tried working on my problems by reading about psychology and trying to apply the lessons to myself. I think that worked to some extent. After starting my current job about two years ago, I thought "well, let's make some money and then go for something you actually like". My mental health was not very good but I coped to an extent that I was functioning well and did not see the extent of my distast for my career. I did get the occasional panic attack.
April 2019 I went to a concert (something I essentialy never do). It didn't seem loud but those idiots had to use trumpets with sound enhancement. I did know about the risks of hearing loss, but not of the risks of getting tinnitus. After that, I got mild tinnitus. This was very bad with my already bad mental health and I spiraled downward. Three months later, mild visual snow joined me. First time of feeling impending doom, sobbing for an hour straight after an entire week of almost no sleep. It did get better however. I was not happy of having tinnitus and visual snow, but because the symptoms were mild, I still managed to put up. So I thought again "wait it out a couple years, in your job that you actually don't like that much, for those new medications that are currently in development for tinnitus" (they still are, stuff should at soonest hit in like 2 years). My mental state was bad and I went to a small local carneval out of feeling sort of obliged since the whole village was there. I was being very careful with my ears because I was aware that noise is dangerous if you already have tinnitus. Fate was very cruel. You can protect against what you expect, but not against what you not expect. I ended up being exposed to a firework that had to be blown up right next to me (5 meters, behind a crowd). If I had left 5 seconds earlier, or my parents weren't on holidays exactly that day, or if corona had hit us 1 month earlier, I would not have been exposed. But fate hates me, so now I have moderately loud tinnitus that is there all the day (good luck trying to enjoy anything if you have to listen to the ringing over it). Sleep is also worse, I get intrusive dreams now, 2-3 every single night. Gone is my good sleep that I had. And I hate my life so much now. Even my only redeeming quality, my intelligence, seems now as if I was sixty. Just sluggish, my ideas are gone because of the intellectual impairment that comes with tinnitus (it makes you dumber even if it doesn't bother you).
I keep fighting and again and again, even after realizing that my whole teenagehood was actually just a sea of mild depression. Life was actually quite good now and there before tinnitus . But life hates me and gives me this shit and makes it even worse on top even me being so careful. I am so tired of fighting for nothing. I put up with tinnitus, put up with visual snow, put up with still not having a girl friend or having an unfulfilling job. I really think that just jumping off a big mountain (lots of these around here) would be so much better. I want to jump just out of resentment. I am so full of anger about all this shit. I hate wating for 2-5 years for a potential cure while I have to stay miserable. And with this shitty job with people I don't care about (I want other nerds around me), still no girl friend and being an outcast ever so more because I have to stay away from any potential noise. And being just much more tired during the day. Seriously, fuck my life.
It doesn't help that I really can't keep this job much longer because I'm starting to get to the point that I'm rather dead than keep going. But I can't see how to change my career or find out what I really want. I feel still behind like 15 years, my emotions still so stunted and not seeing how it should ever get better. I am about to break from my burden.
Thanks for reading my rant and life story. I just feel my time for finding a solution running out. I have crazy mood swings that go from halfway ok to almost active suicidal ideation. But maybe that's normal when you're going into the direction of severe depression?
If anybody knows a good job for a nerd (that isn't IT or with loud noise), I am happy to hear. Otherwise I am grateful for any input.
Well it has finally happened and I end up in one of these places. Honestly I thought years ago when my mood was still quite good that I might end up commiting suicide one day. Seems like I'm on a good way...
Anyway, I'm a thirty year old dude. In some ways an easy life, in some ways a very hard life. And now extremely hard. But let's start at the beginning.
I was always pretty sensitive and an emotionally somewhat selfish person (that I hid well behind false humility). I had a caring mother but my brother took a lot of attention when we were young and so I ended up feeling neglected. My mom was also working quite a bit so we were often at relatives, which didn't help my emotional growing either. I guess with this the groundwork for my future problems was laid. I hid my problems behind an intellectual personality, also in an attempt to get my mothers attention back. Worked so-so. In school I was always a bit of an outsider (plus a very good student), preffering to do my own thing. This worked out for some years and then I was occasionally bullied in elementary school. If I wasn't unable to make friendships before, I definitely became unable afterwards. I stayed the outsider throughout my entire school life and never had a real friend (more like acquaintances). I coped by playing video games excessively. I was addicted (mostly World of Warcraft), although to some degrees it was also an actual hobby. I have rarely done what I actually wanted. What I did was only partially enjoable, most of my activities were there to distract me from my problems that still remained often subconcious.
I chose my career by practical standards: easy to get a job, good payment, good hours. But since I was emotionally stunted, I was not able to chose something I would actually have liked to do. I now have this good paying low-stress job, that is totally unfulfilling. The good thing from university was though that I did make some friends. Ah and yes, I am a thirty years old virgin. Emotional problems don't go well with getting a girl friend. Being a nerd doesn't help either.
When I started working I of course had to cut my gaming time which was when I first became acquianted with my mental health problems (first passive suicidal ideation). I realised how lonely I was since I wasnt seeing my friends were often and my friend circle still was very small. I started taking dance classes and tried to expand my friend circle. I think my friend circle is mostly good by now. After that I tried working on my problems by reading about psychology and trying to apply the lessons to myself. I think that worked to some extent. After starting my current job about two years ago, I thought "well, let's make some money and then go for something you actually like". My mental health was not very good but I coped to an extent that I was functioning well and did not see the extent of my distast for my career. I did get the occasional panic attack.
April 2019 I went to a concert (something I essentialy never do). It didn't seem loud but those idiots had to use trumpets with sound enhancement. I did know about the risks of hearing loss, but not of the risks of getting tinnitus. After that, I got mild tinnitus. This was very bad with my already bad mental health and I spiraled downward. Three months later, mild visual snow joined me. First time of feeling impending doom, sobbing for an hour straight after an entire week of almost no sleep. It did get better however. I was not happy of having tinnitus and visual snow, but because the symptoms were mild, I still managed to put up. So I thought again "wait it out a couple years, in your job that you actually don't like that much, for those new medications that are currently in development for tinnitus" (they still are, stuff should at soonest hit in like 2 years). My mental state was bad and I went to a small local carneval out of feeling sort of obliged since the whole village was there. I was being very careful with my ears because I was aware that noise is dangerous if you already have tinnitus. Fate was very cruel. You can protect against what you expect, but not against what you not expect. I ended up being exposed to a firework that had to be blown up right next to me (5 meters, behind a crowd). If I had left 5 seconds earlier, or my parents weren't on holidays exactly that day, or if corona had hit us 1 month earlier, I would not have been exposed. But fate hates me, so now I have moderately loud tinnitus that is there all the day (good luck trying to enjoy anything if you have to listen to the ringing over it). Sleep is also worse, I get intrusive dreams now, 2-3 every single night. Gone is my good sleep that I had. And I hate my life so much now. Even my only redeeming quality, my intelligence, seems now as if I was sixty. Just sluggish, my ideas are gone because of the intellectual impairment that comes with tinnitus (it makes you dumber even if it doesn't bother you).
I keep fighting and again and again, even after realizing that my whole teenagehood was actually just a sea of mild depression. Life was actually quite good now and there before tinnitus . But life hates me and gives me this shit and makes it even worse on top even me being so careful. I am so tired of fighting for nothing. I put up with tinnitus, put up with visual snow, put up with still not having a girl friend or having an unfulfilling job. I really think that just jumping off a big mountain (lots of these around here) would be so much better. I want to jump just out of resentment. I am so full of anger about all this shit. I hate wating for 2-5 years for a potential cure while I have to stay miserable. And with this shitty job with people I don't care about (I want other nerds around me), still no girl friend and being an outcast ever so more because I have to stay away from any potential noise. And being just much more tired during the day. Seriously, fuck my life.
It doesn't help that I really can't keep this job much longer because I'm starting to get to the point that I'm rather dead than keep going. But I can't see how to change my career or find out what I really want. I feel still behind like 15 years, my emotions still so stunted and not seeing how it should ever get better. I am about to break from my burden.
Thanks for reading my rant and life story. I just feel my time for finding a solution running out. I have crazy mood swings that go from halfway ok to almost active suicidal ideation. But maybe that's normal when you're going into the direction of severe depression?
If anybody knows a good job for a nerd (that isn't IT or with loud noise), I am happy to hear. Otherwise I am grateful for any input.
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