Hello, Can you hear my voice now ?

[mathiessi]

I'm crying like a baby , just because I finally get my registration accepted.

It like getting a voice for the first time , thx.

the last 10 years i did not think to ctb that much, i was ok wearing the smiley mask, but recently I started to think about it and remembered when i was 14 i did try to ctb but i got found before it all happen. I feel so sorry for my self at 48 year old because i missed that years ago.

I have 2 kids and it all that keep me here .... i'm so sorry for them .... they should have a daddy that enjoy life and not just one that put a mask everyday ..... always that sadness when i woke up in the morning , that sadness when i eat , the sadness always .... feel like i did it all here, there is nothing more for me.

I do not have actual plant to ctb , atm. I wan too but I just wan to know what is joy , tired of waiting , tired of looking at other picture and see legit smile not smiley face mask like i do.

sorry for my bad english , it is not my natural language!

 

[m4rius]

Hey man, welcome.

I'm saddened to hear what you're going through. I hope you can find some comfort here and a feeling of belonging at the very least.

 

[stillmirenai]

Welcome!! Congrats on getting your registration accepted. I was also excited when my member registration application got accepted.

I'm so sorry you're going through all that, and I hope you can find some kind words from this community; the ones nobody ever gave you.

Your english is fine, btw.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be painful what you have to go through, existence is just too cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[SVEN]

As you read our venting, our frustration, our ongoing emptiness, I hope you begin to realise that you have found a non judgemental home where you can feel at home.

 

[MeltingBrain]

Welcome , It's sad that we meet under these circumstances , I hope this forum gives you some relief .

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Welcome. You're amongst friends here who understand. My advice is to start posting and get your post count up. When you reach a certain number of postings, certain features of the website will become available to you, such as a "search" function, which will allow you to find information much easier. I think you need to get your post count up to around 20 or 25 postings, and you need to be active for a short period on the forum. Again welcome, and I hope you find the information you seek.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome! Feel free to talk about anything you wish, feel free to vent, feel free to ask, feel free to discuss without being judged! This is such a great refuge here for so many people who cannot talk with "normies" about their true desires and thoughts and talking about them can already be a great relief!

 

[mathiessi]

thx all for your kind reply , hope being able to speak of it , will help with it.
Not that the pain is always there , but the joy is never there :( nothing i do make me feel really happy , always revert back to the mask and thinking i must do that , i must say that so everyone think it all ok and i had fun doing it.
So the big answer i come here to find it is not when it will stop , but when it will start.
People around me seem to feel joy without any effort , how to start doing this , what is wrong with me.
i think i love being miserable in my head it all comeback to this , me that miserable tiny human.
I catch everything i do wrong and always find a good reason to toast aside my good deeds , do i really make good deeds ... im not event sure

 

[Mortadelo]

Welcome. I can relate a lot with you, the lack of joy, boredom, anhedonia,... and every minor inconvenience or problem is a PITA, a struggle, make me want to CTB

 

[crossroads]

I hope that you find the connections here you are looking for. Feeling valued and heard is important.