Elekrel
Member
- Oct 31, 2019
- 15
hello 2020, what a surprise,
when I always think of why I am depressed. I always think of the root of it. imagine living in northwestern Ontario, among the many first nation communities. you're diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. you have a past that you look back at with grief and anger. your parents are alcoholics and drug users to the point you arent there child anymore. everything around you is either alcohol, drugs, and drama that you try to escape from. you dont know what to possibly do to get away.
you are in a coffin. trapped by your own greed or someone's motivation. i always felt like something was missing in my life. i filled that hole with many things over the years.. video games, school, cannabis, alcohol, and even love. I always missed that feeling of having my own family when I lost my parent at a young age and transferred into the foster care system. I remember holding a knife to my stomach at the age of seven because I knew that that time, I was already suicidal. I wanted to know my mother but, I lost the chance. My father wont surprised me much, even today.
Before I came to the reserve, I thought that I was making the worse mistake of my life. To return "home". to my reserve to become close to my siblings and family. I just feel more upset and lost than I was couple months ago. To be able to lay down in bed at my sisters house or my aunts. It's hard to lay there and think you're home when.. the last time you felt like home was ripped away from you violently. I wish it was easy to get over another person who you thought you would never leave. I am not giving you the whole hopeless romantic routine, but it doesn't help any feelings of missing him. trying to learn to love myself again is terrible. To look after myself and trying to express me proper is hard. He took everything that I had for feel stable and the only reason that he is still in my life still.. is to hold on that one piece of stableness.
I am just so depressed that in the last six months was a depressive state of winging life. I broke up with my ex boyfriend of three years, got kicked out of our apartment, went to the mental ward twice in span of two months and moved back home. I never talked much about what happened in my life but, I am more than rambling because I dont want to hold this shit in anymore.
Because I really just want to kill myself and get this over and done with.
when I always think of why I am depressed. I always think of the root of it. imagine living in northwestern Ontario, among the many first nation communities. you're diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. you have a past that you look back at with grief and anger. your parents are alcoholics and drug users to the point you arent there child anymore. everything around you is either alcohol, drugs, and drama that you try to escape from. you dont know what to possibly do to get away.
you are in a coffin. trapped by your own greed or someone's motivation. i always felt like something was missing in my life. i filled that hole with many things over the years.. video games, school, cannabis, alcohol, and even love. I always missed that feeling of having my own family when I lost my parent at a young age and transferred into the foster care system. I remember holding a knife to my stomach at the age of seven because I knew that that time, I was already suicidal. I wanted to know my mother but, I lost the chance. My father wont surprised me much, even today.
Before I came to the reserve, I thought that I was making the worse mistake of my life. To return "home". to my reserve to become close to my siblings and family. I just feel more upset and lost than I was couple months ago. To be able to lay down in bed at my sisters house or my aunts. It's hard to lay there and think you're home when.. the last time you felt like home was ripped away from you violently. I wish it was easy to get over another person who you thought you would never leave. I am not giving you the whole hopeless romantic routine, but it doesn't help any feelings of missing him. trying to learn to love myself again is terrible. To look after myself and trying to express me proper is hard. He took everything that I had for feel stable and the only reason that he is still in my life still.. is to hold on that one piece of stableness.
I am just so depressed that in the last six months was a depressive state of winging life. I broke up with my ex boyfriend of three years, got kicked out of our apartment, went to the mental ward twice in span of two months and moved back home. I never talked much about what happened in my life but, I am more than rambling because I dont want to hold this shit in anymore.
Because I really just want to kill myself and get this over and done with.
