Story Held on too long

[swandive]

I'm 44 years old and yesterday was worst Christmas of my life. My kids are teenagers, they prefer staying at their dads house bc he has no rules and I have a small apartment and expect them to do their homework and help out. Christmas Day and they didn't even come over. I don't have any reason to live if my kids don't need me. My whole life I have cared for others while they treat me as an afterthought, if at all. I don't make a lot of money but I bought some nice gifts and put up a beautiful real tree. I think their dad has been alienating them against me for years. My daughter won't even return my texts or calls.
I have struggled with depression my entire life because I was born into domestic violence, I have been abused by my parents in all the ways. Both of my biological parents have abandoned me as a minor. My mom was physically and emotionally abusive and an alcoholic for many years. My mom's 2nd husband adopted me, then went on to groom and SA me for years. I did press charges in my early 20s and he spent a few years in state prison. Both of my younger sisters have substance use disorder and have kids they don't even raise.
I tried so hard to be the cycle breaker, to be a healthy person and raise my family with love. I feel like no matter how I try I am always rejected by the people I love. My heart is shattered that my kids didn't care to see me on Christmas. I feel like I am running out of energy and the will to live. I feel like this lifetime has been mostly torture, my heart can't take anymore. I wish I could get a gun, but I can't buy one because I have been 302d in the past. I am leaning towards partial hanging. Any recommendations for CTB that are gentle and not painful or scary as jumping from a bridge?

 

[pointblank]

I'm sorry to hear that your heart wasn't reciprocated by the people you expected to. Know that you deserve better and there are better people in the world.

As for your question, have you read the stickies or the Final Exit or Peaceful Pill Handbook? Oral poison intake can be pretty peaceful. Have you tried looking that up?

 

[swandive]

Thanks for commenting on my post. I will look into the oral poisoning more. I tried to ctb when I was 16, took a bunch of pills, I think that led to some kidney disfunction I have now. I'm very wary of doing something that will leave me alive and incapacitated. I have been hospitalized several times and would rather die than go through that again. The Peaceful Pill handbook is a little pricey. Do you know of any free resources? I appreciate your understand.

 

[pointblank]

It's in this thread:

PPH Essentials 2022

https://bunkrr.su/d/STZOEANPJhEjC [link has no preview] https://gofile.io/d/W0Zwnc [link has preview] Edit: August 2023, fixed the links.

sanctioned-suicide.net

Alternatively, you can go on libgen.

 

[LukaParrot]

You are a strong person after all you had to face in your life.

Remember, been a teenage you dont have the right judgment, most of time, there is a parent that needs to punish and other play as good one and kids prefer what is easier.

When they grow up, they realize what each one was doing and how each parent influenced in their life. My dad beat me up when I did bad things, as grownup I thank him for doing that, I could lead me to a very wrong way of life. Doing homework is a part of life teaching, like, you doesnt study will had to endurance a harder life.

Try to look and speak to a school counselor, may can give you better advices than me.

Dont know if suicide is the answer for you, seens like you love your kids, try to find help for yourself too. I always think we must try at least, terrible things happens in our life and that's sucks, but i would stay a little for if i even had kids.

You can find your answer in PPH Esssentials and the amount of posts and a particular method.