Venting Hedgehog's dilemma

[dreamsofdestruction]

These suicidal moods have ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's really bad and then I use that momentum to drive my plans forward. Sometimes it gets better and then I function for a while and almost forget about it, but knowing that it will get worse sooner or later again.

And then sometimes people just come out of the blue and hurt you so much on purpose that you can't even think about driving your plans forward anymore. You just want to lie down and stare at the sky in disbelief and never get up again.

Yet I still yearn to give people that power so much (i.e. being close to them), it's literally why I have to kill myself.

Maybe none of this makes much sense.

 

[DreamCatcher]

There is definitely a cycle to it. I use the really bad times to plan and prepare, and one of those really bad times I'll actually do it.

There are good times too, can't say there aren't, but they don't seem to stick in my mind as often or as long as the bad times do.

Being close to others is a cause of great joy and great pain. I cut most of the people out of my life that had hurt me in the past, so only the good ones remain. That helped a lot, but it still didn't solve all of the issues of life.

It makes sense, and you should do what you need to do to be free of people that hurt you, by whatever healthy means you can think of. I consider a safe CTB a healthy means. But if you aren't sure, then stick around until you are, there isn't any penalty for staying longer or leaving early, whatever time you choose or don't choose is fine.

 

[not_a_robot]

I cope by seeing the urge for closeness as a a hormonal affliction. A trigger for mental illness brought on by hallucinogenic chemicals.
(I can't say it works well though, I am still on a suicide site)
I think that being close to someone during the act of dying might be the first time I ever finally feel truly comfortable with another person. Or it could be gross.