viljalauss
he/they 22
- Aug 22, 2023
- 192
not a method discussion just need to talk about this somewhere
i haven't been here in a long while and that's for good reasons! been at the point where my thoughts of suicide are pretty much just thoughts and not deep, chronic, or repetitive. the only time it really changes is with shark week (especially the start) and now with this heat.
it is inescapable
unfortunately also for the first time i have (intellectual) goals - in line with the rules i won't talk about politics too much here but it means reading lots and lots of marxist literature and learning about lots and lots of history but not just that also being able to understand it and explain it to other people. and organising as well which i am now involved in. it's lifelong and i'm fine with that and it's made pretending i want to live easier, as has my work which i am very very lucky to say i find dignity in
buuuuuut
1) in terms of this learning i am only at the very start - so on a steep learning curve - so i am dedicating as much time and brainpower as i can 2) work of course takes up a lot of time but also after that time commuting and time to switch off for a little bit leaves not much time to think
the heat is really interfering with this. every day counts and it seems more and more days it is too hot to think. the repetitiveness of my writing here and how simple it is is probably a good example.
on a normal day where heat has not hijacked me i normally sleep about 12am, sometimes 1. today and several other days (not in succession but still) it's been 10, or before, and i've had to just lay back and can't get up for 15min or more
today i was meant to go to an important event (friend's stag) and was awake well in time but for at least 2 hours i could barely lift my head. i tried and failed twice to get up. one of these times i managed to sit up but that was all - sat shaking and had to lay down again. thanks to shark week i am in a lot of pain even after very strong painkillers. it took 2 pints of squash (which my partner brought for me) and said painkillers for me to sit up. every step is still a chore. i said i would try to join my friends later and i will try but who knows.
i hate that this heat is robbing so much time from me but also it is just physically wearing me out. you can say heat comes in waves but they seem to be getting longer and longer.
people say "keep fighting" normally in regard to self-preservation. if i posted about this somewhere else i would probably get encouragement of that type. how am i meant to do that, or keep fighting for the cause i have in name and - with a lot of effort but very little result - in deed dedicated myself to, with this?
i don't know how those around me are going to fare. if i posted about this somewhere else, or talked about it in real life (i probably would not mention the suicide part, just the fact that this heat is wearing me out) i might also get some flavour of 'we're in it together', or, worse, 'we're all going through it so what makes you special'. i think my physical conditions are worse than average. in general, i have enough problems - walking up stairs is very difficult, low energy, seizures (epileptic or not), also i'm just not very bright or common-sensical at the best of times, resolve-wracking pain and restriction of movement for 1/6 of the month..
in the heat, add those issues compounded to the fact that i seem to more easily get dehydrated and unable to cool off and you get, at least in my eyes and experience, a rather bleak situation and long-term outlook. i know - i have fans, air conditioning sometimes, my environment has not been destroyed, i haven't had to pack up and move anywhere, aside from worsening heat there's not been much more extreme weather in my area. i think it is possible to have empathy and respect for those who live through despite this and hope for the same in return even though i more and more often draw a conclusion that this is not livable, for me.
i hate to whine, but i just want this to stop. it won't.
i haven't been here in a long while and that's for good reasons! been at the point where my thoughts of suicide are pretty much just thoughts and not deep, chronic, or repetitive. the only time it really changes is with shark week (especially the start) and now with this heat.
it is inescapable
unfortunately also for the first time i have (intellectual) goals - in line with the rules i won't talk about politics too much here but it means reading lots and lots of marxist literature and learning about lots and lots of history but not just that also being able to understand it and explain it to other people. and organising as well which i am now involved in. it's lifelong and i'm fine with that and it's made pretending i want to live easier, as has my work which i am very very lucky to say i find dignity in
buuuuuut
1) in terms of this learning i am only at the very start - so on a steep learning curve - so i am dedicating as much time and brainpower as i can 2) work of course takes up a lot of time but also after that time commuting and time to switch off for a little bit leaves not much time to think
the heat is really interfering with this. every day counts and it seems more and more days it is too hot to think. the repetitiveness of my writing here and how simple it is is probably a good example.
on a normal day where heat has not hijacked me i normally sleep about 12am, sometimes 1. today and several other days (not in succession but still) it's been 10, or before, and i've had to just lay back and can't get up for 15min or more
today i was meant to go to an important event (friend's stag) and was awake well in time but for at least 2 hours i could barely lift my head. i tried and failed twice to get up. one of these times i managed to sit up but that was all - sat shaking and had to lay down again. thanks to shark week i am in a lot of pain even after very strong painkillers. it took 2 pints of squash (which my partner brought for me) and said painkillers for me to sit up. every step is still a chore. i said i would try to join my friends later and i will try but who knows.
i hate that this heat is robbing so much time from me but also it is just physically wearing me out. you can say heat comes in waves but they seem to be getting longer and longer.
people say "keep fighting" normally in regard to self-preservation. if i posted about this somewhere else i would probably get encouragement of that type. how am i meant to do that, or keep fighting for the cause i have in name and - with a lot of effort but very little result - in deed dedicated myself to, with this?
i don't know how those around me are going to fare. if i posted about this somewhere else, or talked about it in real life (i probably would not mention the suicide part, just the fact that this heat is wearing me out) i might also get some flavour of 'we're in it together', or, worse, 'we're all going through it so what makes you special'. i think my physical conditions are worse than average. in general, i have enough problems - walking up stairs is very difficult, low energy, seizures (epileptic or not), also i'm just not very bright or common-sensical at the best of times, resolve-wracking pain and restriction of movement for 1/6 of the month..
in the heat, add those issues compounded to the fact that i seem to more easily get dehydrated and unable to cool off and you get, at least in my eyes and experience, a rather bleak situation and long-term outlook. i know - i have fans, air conditioning sometimes, my environment has not been destroyed, i haven't had to pack up and move anywhere, aside from worsening heat there's not been much more extreme weather in my area. i think it is possible to have empathy and respect for those who live through despite this and hope for the same in return even though i more and more often draw a conclusion that this is not livable, for me.
i hate to whine, but i just want this to stop. it won't.
