KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,682
How am I supposed to just get over this like it's nothing?
For a good bit, there was a glimmer of hope, I thought I was capable of being loved. That someone finally accepted me for who I was, and didn't care about my disabilities.
Well as usual, I have excessive amounts of faith in people. For well over a month, I'd spend damn near everyday with this guy, he'd message me nonstop, he'd beg to see me, he'd come tidy my room and tuck me into bed, he'd cook me dinner without me asking for it.
God, in those fleeting moments, memories that are now quickly fading and being lost to time, I actually smiled. I was so happy someone genuinely wanted to do those things for me, that he was overjoyed by my mere presence without demanding some act in return.
Keep in mind my best friend violated me right before this, so I am still really vunerable and emotionally sensitive. This guy kept reassuring me that I was beautiful, intelligent, and a joy to be around. He truly sold me hook line and sinker.
I let him remove his belt and lash me with it, because I was promised affection afterwards. God, what a bloody fool I am. I bit my lip and endured the pain of bruised legs, because for once, I thought it would be different this time.
We talked all night. We sat together in class, as he knows I don't fit in and other people won't talk to me. He wanted me to feel comfortable and safe. He showed up to walk me home on the one night I managed to go out. He stroked my hair and told me everything would be okay.
Promises, vacant and falsetto as they were, were made in abundance. I disclosed a lot of my trauma to him, after all we had been friends for over a year prior to this strange new arrangement, and were quite close.
He used that information to weave a web of expectations that I rapidly became entangled in. My friend comes from a big, loving family, where they all look out for each other. Plans were made to take me to see them and integrate me into the family unit, as well as visiting again for Christmas. I was also going to be introduced to his school friends.
I was so giddy. I truly had conviction in this dream. He assured me that he was going to teach me how to blend in more and help me make more friends, since he and my housemates are pretty much my only connections here at uni. I have no other friends currently, nor other friends from my past who stuck around.
This all changed when be got what he wanted and the ulterior motive was revealed. Use me up for sexual desire, then throw me away like rubbish. I knew he had commitment issues, but he assured me we would take things slowly and he'd sort his head out.
This never happened. He went home to talk to his family about the prospect of pursuing me, only to completely ignore me and then reject me 3 days later. All of the narrative falls apart. He doesn't want to commit to me due to the level of support I will require in the future, I suppose.
When I confine in him afterwards, that perhaps it is best not to get involved with me due to my suicidality (I imagine this was a reason too, but he won't say it) he immediately starts blaming me and saying I won't take actions in my life to have hope and stop being suicidal. I need to live for myself, he says, and make my own happiness. Complete piss take.
He told me I'm depressed (I'm not) and want to remain in stasis, basically. Apparently I'm not putting in enough effort to establish a consistent sleeping schedule, to manage my time, and go out and meet people.. So basically all the compassion he showed me about my CFS before was totally fake. Awesome!
Without me, he loses nothing. His world will keep on turning. His parents will keep sending him sweet greeting cards every week, his army of friends will continue to seek him out for hedonistic drunkard events, he will continue to excel academically with minimal impetus due to natural talents. It's water off a ducks back, to lose the weird, crippled autistic girl who was confessing endearment in a moment of weakness.
On the other hand, I lose it all. Everything feels empty. He has all but abandoned me, only chatting to me once a day if I'm lucky. He even had the gall to make a comment that at least the time we spent together was lovely before he broke my heart into a million pieces. My ex partner begged for me back and promised he won't hurt me anymore or abandon me, but how can I trust him? How can I trust anyone? The worst part of it is I'm expected to proceed as if everything is normal and fine.
Keep being a functioning little worker robot and have no emotional despair after you'd been heartbroken and thrown away. I want to die.
For a good bit, there was a glimmer of hope, I thought I was capable of being loved. That someone finally accepted me for who I was, and didn't care about my disabilities.
Well as usual, I have excessive amounts of faith in people. For well over a month, I'd spend damn near everyday with this guy, he'd message me nonstop, he'd beg to see me, he'd come tidy my room and tuck me into bed, he'd cook me dinner without me asking for it.
God, in those fleeting moments, memories that are now quickly fading and being lost to time, I actually smiled. I was so happy someone genuinely wanted to do those things for me, that he was overjoyed by my mere presence without demanding some act in return.
Keep in mind my best friend violated me right before this, so I am still really vunerable and emotionally sensitive. This guy kept reassuring me that I was beautiful, intelligent, and a joy to be around. He truly sold me hook line and sinker.
I let him remove his belt and lash me with it, because I was promised affection afterwards. God, what a bloody fool I am. I bit my lip and endured the pain of bruised legs, because for once, I thought it would be different this time.
We talked all night. We sat together in class, as he knows I don't fit in and other people won't talk to me. He wanted me to feel comfortable and safe. He showed up to walk me home on the one night I managed to go out. He stroked my hair and told me everything would be okay.
Promises, vacant and falsetto as they were, were made in abundance. I disclosed a lot of my trauma to him, after all we had been friends for over a year prior to this strange new arrangement, and were quite close.
He used that information to weave a web of expectations that I rapidly became entangled in. My friend comes from a big, loving family, where they all look out for each other. Plans were made to take me to see them and integrate me into the family unit, as well as visiting again for Christmas. I was also going to be introduced to his school friends.
I was so giddy. I truly had conviction in this dream. He assured me that he was going to teach me how to blend in more and help me make more friends, since he and my housemates are pretty much my only connections here at uni. I have no other friends currently, nor other friends from my past who stuck around.
This all changed when be got what he wanted and the ulterior motive was revealed. Use me up for sexual desire, then throw me away like rubbish. I knew he had commitment issues, but he assured me we would take things slowly and he'd sort his head out.
This never happened. He went home to talk to his family about the prospect of pursuing me, only to completely ignore me and then reject me 3 days later. All of the narrative falls apart. He doesn't want to commit to me due to the level of support I will require in the future, I suppose.
When I confine in him afterwards, that perhaps it is best not to get involved with me due to my suicidality (I imagine this was a reason too, but he won't say it) he immediately starts blaming me and saying I won't take actions in my life to have hope and stop being suicidal. I need to live for myself, he says, and make my own happiness. Complete piss take.
He told me I'm depressed (I'm not) and want to remain in stasis, basically. Apparently I'm not putting in enough effort to establish a consistent sleeping schedule, to manage my time, and go out and meet people.. So basically all the compassion he showed me about my CFS before was totally fake. Awesome!
Without me, he loses nothing. His world will keep on turning. His parents will keep sending him sweet greeting cards every week, his army of friends will continue to seek him out for hedonistic drunkard events, he will continue to excel academically with minimal impetus due to natural talents. It's water off a ducks back, to lose the weird, crippled autistic girl who was confessing endearment in a moment of weakness.
On the other hand, I lose it all. Everything feels empty. He has all but abandoned me, only chatting to me once a day if I'm lucky. He even had the gall to make a comment that at least the time we spent together was lovely before he broke my heart into a million pieces. My ex partner begged for me back and promised he won't hurt me anymore or abandon me, but how can I trust him? How can I trust anyone? The worst part of it is I'm expected to proceed as if everything is normal and fine.
Keep being a functioning little worker robot and have no emotional despair after you'd been heartbroken and thrown away. I want to die.
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