Venting Heartbreak and Disability

[thislife24]

After being in a nearly 10 year relationship, it has been broken. I thought she was my soulmate, my other half, my best friend. We had been through so much together, I thought our relationship was unbreakable. But alas, maybe we were never meant to be. I have many struggles that I deal with in day-to-day life. I have a soul crushing autoimmune condition that causes great pain in my joints, and went many years without treatment because no one believed me, even myself at times. This caused great isolation and sadness, which exacerbated my anxiety and PTSD. I found out not long ago that I have a personality disorder called Avoidant Personality Disorder, which can be seen as an extreme form of social anxiety disorder. The depressing thing is that personality disorders can not be cured, only treated. Early child hood experiences, as well as my genetic disposition probably contributed to the onset of this disorder.

Despite these huge barriers I was dealt with, I was able to finally get a job after 6 years of being unemployed. I did okay for a bit while working, but it eventually caught up to me and my physical and mental health started to decline. Even though I was struggling, I stuck through it to help out in my relationship. Emotionally I began to isolate myself due to the overwhelming pain and stress due to my job and life in general. At the end of the day, I wasn't thriving and contributing a whole lot to my relationship which also caused the deterioration of it. My partner herself had a great career and social life. She was thriving while I wasn't, doing the best that I could just to get by day-to-day. I think she started to feel trapped and unloved in the relationship, which also started to affect her mental health and well-being. That and not feeling loved was a big contributor to the dissolution of our relationship. Due to the bad coping mechanisms I developed in my childhood in conjunction with my personality disorder, I began to avoid everything in life. I avoided important responsibilities and things I needed to due as an adult. This was probably the straw the broke the camels back.

She left me, and now I am all alone. I have no one I can fall back on. I ended up just not showing up at my job after the breakup, because fuck it. It is nearly impossible to get on disability, and I've looked into section 8 housing where I live, but there's a huge wait list that you can't even get on at this point. I am pretty much fucked. I am tired of dealing with the soul crushing physical pain that waxes and wanes day to day, and the emotional pain at this point is unbearable. She was the one for me, my best friend, my support and my everything. The fact that I was just discarded so easily after we had been together for so long and shared everything has sent shock waves to the very core of my being. Since the breakup, I've had many friends and family reach out to me making sure I was okay and not going to do something irrational. I play it off as I am okay, but obviously I am not. I would hate do take myself out of this world, as it would be completely devastating to my family and friends. I would also hate to burden my ex the rest of her life, making her think she was the reason that I CTB. I am on the verge of being homeless, and barely have any food to eat at this point.

At this point, I feel as if I am lost at sea with no navigational abilities and just waiting for this ship to sink.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot, I understand why you'd feel so tired, it truly is such a cruel existence where there's all this suffering. But anyway I wish you all the best.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I feel this. Life with disability is horrible, and a breakup is just... that's so much. I'm so sorry. I wish I had a great solution to help ease your pain, but I offer up empathy to say that what you are saying is seen and that you matter. <3

 

[thislife24]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot, I understand why you'd feel so tired, it truly is such a cruel existence where there's all this suffering. But anyway I wish you all the best.

Thank you so much for responding. It helps that someone else can validate my feelings and the state of my situation. It means a lot. Wishing the best for you as well.

I feel this. Life with disability is horrible, and a breakup is just... that's so much. I'm so sorry. I wish I had a great solution to help ease your pain, but I offer up empathy to say that what you are saying is seen and that you matter. <3

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. Being disabled can make life so complicated and confusing. The break up definitely added more confusion and pain to my situation. Thank you for seeing and for providing empathy, it honestly means a lot.

 

[mrtime87]

Your situation sounds heartbreaking. I can relate to having a personality disorder, especially when trying to explain to others why we can't just change our behavior.

I pray for you, and I know as little as that is, things get better.

For what it's worth, homeless shelters usually have some kind of social program to help you get housing and disability. I'm surprised you haven't been approved for SSDI, but I assure you, it's not much.

I've been on disability for about a decade, and it's really a struggle. If you're in a city, find housing for the disabled that will work with you on finances

Best of luck and may you get the help you need.

 

[hell toupee]

After being in a nearly 10 year relationship, it has been broken. I thought she was my soulmate, my other half, my best friend. We had been through so much together, I thought our relationship was unbreakable. But alas, maybe we were never meant to be. I have many struggles that I deal with in day-to-day life. I have a soul crushing autoimmune condition that causes great pain in my joints, and went many years without treatment because no one believed me, even myself at times. This caused great isolation and sadness, which exacerbated my anxiety and PTSD. I found out not long ago that I have a personality disorder called Avoidant Personality Disorder, which can be seen as an extreme form of social anxiety disorder. The depressing thing is that personality disorders can not be cured, only treated. Early child hood experiences, as well as my genetic disposition probably contributed to the onset of this disorder.



Despite these huge barriers I was dealt with, I was able to finally get a job after 6 years of being unemployed. I did okay for a bit while working, but it eventually caught up to me and my physical and mental health started to decline. Even though I was struggling, I stuck through it to help out in my relationship. Emotionally I began to isolate myself due to the overwhelming pain and stress due to my job and life in general. At the end of the day, I wasn't thriving and contributing a whole lot to my relationship which also caused the deterioration of it. My partner herself had a great career and social life. She was thriving while I wasn't, doing the best that I could just to get by day-to-day. I think she started to feel trapped and unloved in the relationship, which also started to affect her mental health and well-being. That and not feeling loved was a big contributor to the dissolution of our relationship. Due to the bad coping mechanisms I developed in my childhood in conjunction with my personality disorder, I began to avoid everything in life. I avoided important responsibilities and things I needed to due as an adult. This was probably the straw the broke the camels back.



She left me, and now I am all alone. I have no one I can fall back on. I ended up just not showing up at my job after the breakup, because fuck it. It is nearly impossible to get on disability, and I've looked into section 8 housing where I live, but there's a huge wait list that you can't even get on at this point. I am pretty much fucked. I am tired of dealing with the soul crushing physical pain that waxes and wanes day to day, and the emotional pain at this point is unbearable. She was the one for me, my best friend, my support and my everything. The fact that I was just discarded so easily after we had been together for so long and shared everything has sent shock waves to the very core of my being. Since the breakup, I've had many friends and family reach out to me making sure I was okay and not going to do something irrational. I play it off as I am okay, but obviously I am not. I would hate do take myself out of this world, as it would be completely devastating to my family and friends. I would also hate to burden my ex the rest of her life, making her think she was the reason that I CTB. I am on the verge of being homeless, and barely have any food to eat at this point.



At this point, I feel as if I am lost at sea with no navigational abilities and just waiting for this ship to sink.

Hey friend,

I registered here just to reply to you.

Exactly one month ago I found my wife of 24 years hanging by an extension cord.

About a year earlier, I started to notice my fingers contracting (contracture) and I started losing my balance going to work (I am the sole proprietor of a tax business and own my own office). Then I started to fall. My wife got scared and ordered me a wheelchair around Jan of last year. Given I worked 7 days a week just to keep up with tax season and my reduced work pace due to my fingers curling in. I could not take any time off because of the demand of tax season. I also didn't have any insurance.

My wife became my caretaker helping me in and out of wheelchair, car, down our steps, etc. My fingers got worse I couldn't even open a soda can, the strength in my wrists disappeared.

Fast forward to Aug 8. I found my wife dangling lifeless. Neither of us had any friends or family. It was us against the world. We were each other's best friend. We could amuse ourselves watching paint dry. It was a picture perfect marriage, she was a homemaker and I worked. Every day, even after 24 years, she would include a little note in my lunch she would pack for me - 'you are the best husband in the world' ... 'I am the luckiest girl in the world' ... 'when the universe began we would be holding hands and when the universe ends we will still be holding hands' ... 'we are going to be that old couple in the park still holding hands'. Everyday. She would randomly call me at work 'I miss you, can't wait until you get home'. And I the same.

After I found her, I went to the ER not knowing what to do without a soul in the world I could call. Plus this weird stuff with my fingers and being wheelchair bound.

After running every test known to man, they discharged me after 24 days, not knowing what caused it, but that I had irreversible nerve damage in my fingers and my toes. I would be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life. I could use a "slide board" to get from my wheelchair to the couch, or bed, or toilet, or car seat, but I couldn't drive or use my hands much. I can do most things, it just takes me longer.

I was discharged facing a life of being crippled, have about $5k to my name, nowhere to go as I was only able to pay rent until Oct 1st, and nobody to call for help. I have no ability to ever earn an income again. I live in San Diego where a studio goes for $2k a month. And I have nobody to live for. My wife, partner, soulmate, is gone.

I have not a single person in the world I could call for help. I am not going to a nursing home and living in a room with 3 other people. My dad was in one and it was the single most depressive atmosphere I had ever experienced. People moaning all day and night, sitting in their own excrement for 2 hours waiting for the nurse to come.

The thought of spending the rest of my life trying to eek out an existence of subsistence on disability, which in San Diego's rental market would be impossible, laying in bed watching TV all day does not appeal to me. I used to surf, play guitar and drums, ride my crotch rocket down the freeway at 120mph on a wheelie for miles.

I'm not afraid to die. I believe that death is just a change of wardrobe. A new beginning. Not religious, but spiritual. All I can think about as I lie awake all night is my wife's smile, her laugh, and the fact I'll never see her or talk to her again. She didn't leave a note, no warning, no depression, nothing. I can't help but think maybe she didn't think we had a future with her now all of a sudden my caretaker and the fact we'd never own a home in SD. I barely made enough to pay our bills, but we could pretty much buy whatever we wanted at the store or whatever. We weren't on a budget but it was never enough for a new car or something.

I cannot survive here and even if I could everything I do just reminds me of her. We probably spent more time together than people married for twice as long as us. She was the kind of person, knowing that we had a few neighbors that were senior citizens and widowed, when she cooked me a plate of dinner she would make a plate for our neighbors and go knock on their doors. She was a kind and sweet soul and I miss her dearly. I just want to exit this cruel world and be happy with her again.

I feel your pain, friend. I really do.

 

[thislife24]

@hell toupee

It sounds like you and your wife had an amazing marriage. Those notes she would leave you are so sweet. I can barely think of many marriages that I know of that were that loving and sweet. I'm so so sorry to hear that she has passed.

I can't even imagine how that must have been for you. I can't imagine how it must be now. Life can throw us massive curveballs at times and can be truly unfair. It sounds like she loved you so much though, just as you have loved her.

My girlfriend was also my caretaker for many years. I know it definitely was hard on her at times. I've also looked into disability and other services as you have mentioned, and it seems impossible to get. Even if you do get it, it's mostly below poverty wages. If my disease gets worse, I definitely don't want to spend my life at a nursery home either.

Having a disease can suck so damn much, I'm so sorry you're dealing with it too. I have some family, but no one to really fall back on for help. My family is pretty dysfunctional and messed up, and it's gotten worse over the years, shit sucks.

The economy we're in now is just insane, and barely even livable even if you do have a decent paying job. You'd think if you lived in a 1st world country that it would help disability people and people in need. I am so sorry for you loss friend as well as your current circumstances. Feel free to send me a PM if you ever want to chat. Wishing the best for you friend.

 

[hell toupee]

@hell toupee

It sounds like you and your wife had an amazing marriage. Those notes she would leave you are so sweet. I can barely think of many marriages that I know of that were that loving and sweet. I'm so so sorry to hear that she has passed.

I can't even imagine how that must have been for you. I can't imagine how it must be now. Life can throw us massive curveballs at times and can be truly unfair. It sounds like she loved you so much though, just as you have loved her.

My girlfriend was also my caretaker for many years. I know it definitely was hard on her at times. I've also looked into disability and other services as you have mentioned, and it seems impossible to get. Even if you do get it, it's mostly below poverty wages. If my disease gets worse, I definitely don't want to spend my life at a nursery home either.

Having a disease can suck so damn much, I'm so sorry you're dealing with it too. I have some family, but no one to really fall back on for help. My family is pretty dysfunctional and messed up, and it's gotten worse over the years, shit sucks.

The economy we're in now is just insane, and barely even livable even if you do have a decent paying job. You'd think if you lived in a 1st world country that it would help disability people and people in need. I am so sorry for you loss friend as well as your current circumstances. Feel free to send me a PM if you ever want to chat. Wishing the best for you friend.

Thanks for the kind words.

My wife was from Taiwan and didn't learn English until her 20s. Therefore she was very insecure about her English. She had a lot of people give her a hard time because they didn't understand her thick accent. When she was uncomfortable she would smile not wanting to be impolite. Because of that, people would get angry thinking she wasn't taking things seriously.

She was a blackjack dealer at Sycuan casino when I met her. She barely knew a few words of English when we started hanging out together, we just had fun together. After we got married 4 years later, she worked graveyard and was taken hostage by a meth head who put her in a chokehold and was lifting her 98lb body off the ground to where she would lose consciousness and then would put her back down where she would regain consciousness. This happened over and over and she thought she was going to die. The 80yo security guards didn't know what to do, simply pleading with the guy to not kill her. Why they just didn't stick their thumb in his eyeball or their boot in his balls, I don't know. I wasn't working that night and didn't work graveyard so it wouldn't of mattered anyways.

This went on for 45 minutes. After that she was traumatized. The clinic at Sycuan suggested they put her on day shift but they never did. After seeing her crying her eyes out scared to go back to graveyard shift for 2 weeks, I finally said screw it just quit. That's why she was a homemaker and I felt responsible for taking care of her. However I didn't make too much so we were never able to afford a home or even a new car. We weren't on a budget buy we also weren't out buying Gucci purses or anything.

My wife was the type of person that once last Jan when I first got in the wheelchair, it was raining and there was a homeless woman huddled under the overhang of the office next to me. My wife walked right up to her and said "Hi! What's your name?" The lady said "Joan" . My wife said "Hi I'm Nono". Mind you we had seen this lady many times in the past walking in the middle of the street, against traffic, screaming and cursing at every car that passed. My wife said "will you be here tomorrow?". Joan said I don't know. The next day my wife brought her a raincoat, a sweater, some socks, an umbrella, and had packed her a lunch. That's the kind of person she was. If she thought anyone needed help with anything, even a complete stranger, she would literally give you the shirt off her back. When we'd go to the grocery store and she saw a senior citizen pushing their cart, shed literally run over there and ask if they needed any help.

Since I was walking up until this past Jan 2024, being disabled was new for me. I had always been athletic and somewhat of a daredevil. Little did I know that my world would come crashing down literally one exact month ago today. I have one month of rent left and nowhere to go but a nursing home. Even if I were able to squeeze by disability, for one it would be impossible in San Diegos rental market, and 2, I don't want a life of just sitting around, watching TV, and going to 1000 doctor appointments every month, which I have to call medical transport for from and to.


I am of sound mind. I'm just facing my best friend, the person I was supposed to grow old with, the person who made me laugh and smile every single day even 24 years later (she was a prankster), gone forever. I have nobody to continue on for, a horrible quality of life being essentially destitute once my money runs out, disabled, can't walk and do things for myself, I literally have no reason or purpose to live. Not one person to live for.


What really sucks is that I'm usually a jokes around kind of person. I like to be personable with people and make them laugh. Whenever I meet someone, whether it's a client, a nurse, or the guy who's bagging my groceries, I always ask the what their name is and refer to them by that whenever I bump in to them again.

Now I'm just a shell of my former self. I plan on CTB within a month, maybe sooner. Probably by partial suspension hanging because I can't stand. If I were able to walk I'd just go buy a shotgun, as that's a guarantee. Or if I could get some insulin an od of that would possibly do the trick. I also have used a mail order pharmacy from India where you can get anything but narcotics. Baclofen, clonidine, beta blockers, heart meds, etc. I thought of buying s s***load of that and guzzling it all down, order arrives in 6-8 business days and I've used the before for gabapentin so they are legit. For sure the clonidin and baclofen will put you out, especially if you take a lot, and I thought I'd do the old trick of putting a plastic bag over my head with a rubber band around my the bag on my neck and being held open by my fists held up close to my chin, that way you can still breathe normally and the bag is open under your chin. Then when you start to fall asleep your arms relax and the rubber band snaps closed insuring you suffocate while passed out. Easier to demonstrate than explain.

Also wanted to add one thing. People downplay marijuana, and I'm no lightweight as I've smoked my entire life since about 15yo, but I stopped at a dispensary and got one of those wax vape pen things and after taking one baclofen, one clonidine, and one gabapentin (prescribed to me by the hospital), I took one hit of the wax pen (it's vape so you don't really feel it until your lungs expand and then you blow out a huge hit), but I kid you not, I felt like I had just taken 10 Xanax, or 5 oxyxontin with no tolerance, I could not physically keep my head from drooping to the floor. No matter how hard I tried to keep my eyes open, even I was literally physically willing myself to open them, the best I could do was open them a quarter of the way and they'd go shut. I was trying to hold my cellphone and I kept nodding off and dropping it. I literally felt like I was nodding off after taking an s load of pills or something. I can't even imagine what it would be like if I took even 2 hits. Or more pills. I would highly suggest, if it's legal in your state, if you want to be able to nod off immediately, go buy a wax pen. And it's a clean high. If I smoked a lot of Marijuana before, I'd feel jittery, self conscious, even paranoid. This was nothing like that. Only incredibly, powerfully, sleepy. Like taking 10 ambiens or something. You won't be disappointed I promise.

Just not sure yet.

I don't think I have permissions to PM yet, or not sure how, otherwise I would...I wish we were in the same city...

 

[trs]

Hey friend,

I registered here just to reply to you.

Exactly one month ago I found my wife of 24 years hanging by an extension cord.

About a year earlier, I started to notice my fingers contracting (contracture) and I started losing my balance going to work (I am the sole proprietor of a tax business and own my own office). Then I started to fall. My wife got scared and ordered me a wheelchair around Jan of last year. Given I worked 7 days a week just to keep up with tax season and my reduced work pace due to my fingers curling in. I could not take any time off because of the demand of tax season. I also didn't have any insurance.

My wife became my caretaker helping me in and out of wheelchair, car, down our steps, etc. My fingers got worse I couldn't even open a soda can, the strength in my wrists disappeared.

Fast forward to Aug 8. I found my wife dangling lifeless. Neither of us had any friends or family. It was us against the world. We were each other's best friend. We could amuse ourselves watching paint dry. It was a picture perfect marriage, she was a homemaker and I worked. Every day, even after 24 years, she would include a little note in my lunch she would pack for me - 'you are the best husband in the world' ... 'I am the luckiest girl in the world' ... 'when the universe began we would be holding hands and when the universe ends we will still be holding hands' ... 'we are going to be that old couple in the park still holding hands'. Everyday. She would randomly call me at work 'I miss you, can't wait until you get home'. And I the same.

After I found her, I went to the ER not knowing what to do without a soul in the world I could call. Plus this weird stuff with my fingers and being wheelchair bound.

After running every test known to man, they discharged me after 24 days, not knowing what caused it, but that I had irreversible nerve damage in my fingers and my toes. I would be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life. I could use a "slide board" to get from my wheelchair to the couch, or bed, or toilet, or car seat, but I couldn't drive or use my hands much. I can do most things, it just takes me longer.

I was discharged facing a life of being crippled, have about $5k to my name, nowhere to go as I was only able to pay rent until Oct 1st, and nobody to call for help. I have no ability to ever earn an income again. I live in San Diego where a studio goes for $2k a month. And I have nobody to live for. My wife, partner, soulmate, is gone.

I have not a single person in the world I could call for help. I am not going to a nursing home and living in a room with 3 other people. My dad was in one and it was the single most depressive atmosphere I had ever experienced. People moaning all day and night, sitting in their own excrement for 2 hours waiting for the nurse to come.

The thought of spending the rest of my life trying to eek out an existence of subsistence on disability, which in San Diego's rental market would be impossible, laying in bed watching TV all day does not appeal to me. I used to surf, play guitar and drums, ride my crotch rocket down the freeway at 120mph on a wheelie for miles.

I'm not afraid to die. I believe that death is just a change of wardrobe. A new beginning. Not religious, but spiritual. All I can think about as I lie awake all night is my wife's smile, her laugh, and the fact I'll never see her or talk to her again. She didn't leave a note, no warning, no depression, nothing. I can't help but think maybe she didn't think we had a future with her now all of a sudden my caretaker and the fact we'd never own a home in SD. I barely made enough to pay our bills, but we could pretty much buy whatever we wanted at the store or whatever. We weren't on a budget but it was never enough for a new car or something.

I cannot survive here and even if I could everything I do just reminds me of her. We probably spent more time together than people married for twice as long as us. She was the kind of person, knowing that we had a few neighbors that were senior citizens and widowed, when she cooked me a plate of dinner she would make a plate for our neighbors and go knock on their doors. She was a kind and sweet soul and I miss her dearly. I just want to exit this cruel world and be happy with her again.

I feel your pain, friend. I really do.

Hello @hell toupee, I read your story, and I understand to a significant degree. Mine is not quite the same but there is a lot that resonates, and I'm in at least as dark and impossible place as yours (it's too much for me to share it each time). One thing I'm wondering if you're willing to share, you can pm me if you'd prefer, with the very long, close history with your wife and what you related about who she was, it's hard to make sense from here that she took her life like that. Because of my own situation I've been trying to understand what seems to cause people to behave so differently all of a sudden, and I'm wondering if you are able to explain that in more depth. Best regards, T.

 

[thislife24]

@hell toupee

I am so sorry your wife had to go through such a traumatic experience, I can't even imagine. I completely understand why she didn't want to go back/work a night shift anymore. It must have been hard on you as well. I hear you being the provider, but not making enough for anything extravagant. We did get lucky on our house, extremely lucky, but other than that we/I have always just barely coasted by. That was extremely sweet of your wife taking care of that homeless lady. My ex was the same way. She really seemed like such an angel and sweetheart.

Before I got my disability, I was also always extremely athletic and fit. Going from that to being disabled while barely able to do normal everyday tasks was demoralizing and heartbreaking for me. I'm out of a job and basically have no income. I may become homeless very soon to be honest so I totally understand where you're coming from. That grief you must feel from loosing your best friend/wife must be extremely difficult terrain to navigate. I can't even imagine. I am so sorry you have to deal with this friend.

It sucks that you are put in this situation with CTB. I've been thinking about all the methods I could use too to CTB. I have the ability to buy SN, which will prob be the main way if I CTB, which I am uncertain of doing at this point. I am trying to get by and try new things, just to see if I can turn things around for myself and to see if there's any hope. Sometimes I think about just CTB now so I don't have to deal with emotional and physical pain anymore. I've suffered a lot every since I was a kid, I wish my life would have gone differently.

That is a really interesting reaction you had to the weed pen, I've never heard anything like that before. I wish weed worked for me, but it just shoots my anxiety up to a ten as well as my arthritic pain for some reason. It would be nice to just have some relief from anxiety once in a while. I have PTSD, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and most likely have avoidant personality disorder (which you can think of as an extreme form of social anxiety). I've been looking into possibly buying RC benzos online, but they seem very strong as well as extremely addictive. It would just be nice to have some relief once in a while though.

For sending PM's, I think there is a waiting period/or minimum post limit until you can send them. Again, feel free to comment on here or send me a PM when you're able to if you ever want to talk or chat.

​

Best of luck to you my friend, I sincerely mean it

​

 

[trs]

@hell toupee

I am so sorry your wife had to go through such a traumatic experience, I can't even imagine. I completely understand why she didn't want to go back/work a night shift anymore. It must have been hard on you as well. I hear you being the provider, but not making enough for anything extravagant. We did get lucky on our house, extremely lucky, but other than that we/I have always just barely coasted by. That was extremely sweet of your wife taking care of that homeless lady. My ex was the same way. She really seemed like such an angel and sweetheart.

Before I got my disability, I was also always extremely athletic and fit. Going from that to being disabled while barely able to do normal everyday tasks was demoralizing and heartbreaking for me. I'm out of a job and basically have no income. I may become homeless very soon to be honest so I totally understand where you're coming from. That grief you must feel from loosing your best friend/wife must be extremely difficult terrain to navigate. I can't even imagine. I am so sorry you have to deal with this friend.

It sucks that you are put in this situation with CTB. I've been thinking about all the methods I could use too to CTB. I have the ability to buy SN, which will prob be the main way if I CTB, which I am uncertain of doing at this point. I am trying to get by and try new things, just to see if I can turn things around for myself and to see if there's any hope. Sometimes I think about just CTB now so I don't have to deal with emotional and physical pain anymore. I've suffered a lot every since I was a kid, I wish my life would have gone differently.

That is a really interesting reaction you had to the weed pen, I've never heard anything like that before. I wish weed worked for me, but it just shoots my anxiety up to a ten as well as my arthritic pain for some reason. It would be nice to just have some relief from anxiety once in a while. I have PTSD, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and most likely have avoidant personality disorder (which you can think of as an extreme form of social anxiety). I've been looking into possibly buying RC benzos online, but they seem very strong as well as extremely addictive. It would just be nice to have some relief once in a while though.

For sending PM's, I think there is a waiting period/or minimum post limit until you can send them. Again, feel free to comment on here or send me a PM when you're able to if you ever want to talk or chat.

Best of luck to you my friend, I sincerely mean it

​

One thing I want to mention you both @thislife24 and @hell toupee since you share some significant similarities in your circumstances with each other and to myself, and I note @thislife24 mentioning trying to see about turning things around (and I totally encourage you to put everything you've got left to do so) and I understand the extreme absence of limitation of resources, financial and otherwise to do this (as I myself cannot utilize it because of this exact problem), but if you may have any ability to prior to giving another chemical a try, I'd strongly recommend trying homeopathy if you haven't previously (if possible, via a professional) for the whole totality and complexity of issues. It can sometimes suddenly break a whole set of complex things open whereas nothing else has before. It helped me many years ago when nothing else was (and no I can't tolerate marijuana or any other chemicals, I'm that type of person too; and it is not chemical based).