Venting He Makes Me Wanna CTB

[futurecorpse]

For a bit of context: I'm a woman with BPD who's had the same romantic favorite person for nearly two years.

Almost 3 weeks ago I tried to ctb because (I know this will sound unhinged/pathetic but please don't judge me) he sent me a text.. Yes a text. And looking back it wasn't even bad! But I was already in crisis mode and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. He works in law enforcement so I can only give him the benefit of the doubt. But a part of me thinks he's seeing someone and the reason why he takes so long to reply is because he's trying to send me a hint that he's not interested. I don't want to believe this part but I know I should. His text said: "Sorry super late reply! The past two weeks have been insane. But same thing for you! I hope things only get better for you and amazing things happen for you this year." See? Not even a bad text. I desperately wanted him to ask me how I'm doing and ask me to see him. He obviously doesn't care. If he wanted to, he would. And it was three weeks before he replied, not two. He makes me want to ctb because I feel like I'll never be free from him. The last time I had a fp was five years ago and he was an abusive partner. I hate him and he makes me incredibly angry and sad. With my current fp, he doesn't make me angry but he makes me depressed, anxious, and suicidal. I hate that my brain is like this :,(

I didn't text him back but I did send him a friend request on fb (because I'm an idiot lolz). He didn't respond to the request but I can see he's active on snapchat. It's like I learned nothing while I was in the hospital...

Some questions I'd like to ask, specifically to the girlies with bpd:
Do you have a romantic favorite person? If so, how do they make you feel? Have you ever acted this intense about them? Do you or have you ever felt like you had to ctb in order to be free from them?

 

[MidnightCat]

If an answer from a guy with BPD helps you a little:

- Do you have a romantic favorite person? If so, how do they make you feel?

It depends. I used to have a lot of meltdowns in situations not that different to yours...

Fortunately my FP is my wife, who's character is usually quite loving, but the second she's a little busy or shows a tiny bit less love to me... I start to feel like a trashbag, something not worth, that she may secretly hate me...

Took a lot of years to be able to "kinda" control myself and not start a chain reaction. However, back in my day, with 3 weeks without an answer... Oh boy, I would have been devastated.


Have you ever acted this intense toward them?

- Yes. It used to be quite extreme when I was younger, below 25 it was a mess. I had barely any control over my emotions so I was quite intense.

Even nowadays, with 30+ I'm quite intense if I let go even a little, so usually when I feel like that I try to not speak or interact as much as possible, she knows and feels I'm off.. but it's better than the alternative.


- Do you or have you ever felt like you had to ctb in order to be free from them?

Not exactly like that, but a lot of crisis and issues related to this theme made me think HARD about ctb, it almost always felt like I was just a step away from going.

However it was more something along the lines of: Nobody likes me, I don't like myself either, I should not be alive since I don't deserve it....

Even nowadays, last 2 weeks been really rough with suicidal ideation... And a lot had to do with my wife just not being as affectionate. And oh boy I'm better with BPD than 10 years ago..





That said, he might not be the right person. But don't surrender and give you the opportunity to find someone right for you!

 

[futurecorpse]

If an answer from a guy with BPD helps you a little:

- Do you have a romantic favorite person? If so, how do they make you feel?

It depends. I used to have a lot of meltdowns in situations not that different to yours...

Fortunately my FP is my wife, who's character is usually quite loving, but the second she's a little busy or shows a tiny bit less love to me... I start to feel like a trashbag, something not worth, that she may secretly hate me...

Took a lot of years to be able to "kinda" control myself and not start a chain reaction. However, back in my day, with 3 weeks without an answer... Oh boy, I would have been devastated.


Have you ever acted this intense toward them?

- Yes. It used to be quite extreme when I was younger, below 25 it was a mess. I had barely any control over my emotions so I was quite intense.

Even nowadays, with 30+ I'm quite intense if I let go even a little, so usually when I feel like that I try to not speak or interact as much as possible, she knows and feels I'm off.. but it's better than the alternative.


- Do you or have you ever felt like you had to ctb in order to be free from them?

Not exactly like that, but a lot of crisis and issues related to this theme made me think HARD about ctb, it almost always felt like I was just a step away from going.

However it was more something along the lines of: Nobody likes me, I don't like myself either, I should not be alive since I don't deserve it....

Even nowadays, last 2 weeks been really rough with suicidal ideation... And a lot had to do with my wife just not being as affectionate. And oh boy I'm better with BPD than 10 years ago..





That said, he might not be the right person. But don't surrender and give you the opportunity to find someone right for you!

Thank you for your response, it does help :)

It's quite scary how our brains can shift from to "Oh my god, they hate me; I don't deserve their love and attention!" It's so easy to go down that rabbit hole and incredibly hard to press the brakes if you don't have the skills and support. 3 weeks without hearing from a fp is disheartening and I hate that I keep putting myself in this position. For reference, I'm over 25 years old and still have difficulty controlling my emotions. I've been in therapy for many years, did dbt, do emdr, and have been hospitalized many times which led to doing php afterwards. But I still feel like I'm not making as much progress as I should/could be. Residential might help but it's crazy expensive even with insurance. Realistically, my fp would be TERRIBLE for me lol.. but I don't want anyone else but him ://

It made me happy to read that you're married because it gives me some hope that people with bpd do have a chance of having a happy ending - long term relationship, marriage, kids, etc. But only if one is making an effort to overcome the disorder. I'm also glad to read that your bpd is better than it was 10 years ago. I hope you're proud of yourself I'm sorry the last 2 weeks have been difficult for you I hope you're doing things that make you feel better and taking care of yourself x

 

[Life_and_Death]

Do you have a romantic favorite person?

yes (it doesnt help that hes attached to me too. but he doesnt have bpd)

If so, how do they make you feel?

when? lately im kind of at my wits end with them. they dont want to move in with me but wants me to live alone if theyre gonna be open about me (and i think its fair to not want to be hidden away forever..). im so exhausted by everything i dont even feel love at this point.... certainly nothing like i use to. just attachment. a nagging "dont let him go" 'but i dont even have anything to say..'

Have you ever acted this intense toward them?

honestly from what youve shared (maybe im missing pieces) thats not that bad, normal actually. you waited 3 weeks for him to message back. i begged him for hours to block me then went and "bothered" him on another platform so hed unblock me. and thats just the most recent case. before i was "better" (in comparison not actually "better") id message probably 50-100 times because i was sure he hated me. "i was just sleeping" oh...... i dont wait 5mins, 3 weeks is impressive and i wish i could. (again, unless im missing something.)

Do you or have you ever felt like you had to ctb in order to be free from them?

1000000% yes, but i promised him i wouldnt ctb for him/us ("thankfully" the world gives me many other reasons).


(sorry i cant say much more past answering your questions. im emotionally/mentally exhausted)

 

[futurecorpse]

yes (it doesnt help that hes attached to me too. but he doesnt have bpd)

I've never had a guy attached to me before. Genuine question, what is that like?

when? lately im kind of at my wits end with them. they dont want to move in with me but wants me to live alone if theyre gonna be open about me (and i think its fair to not want to be hidden away forever..).

I suppose when they're not treating you the way you want to be treated. Ex: answering your texts in a timely manner, acting like they're interested in what you have to say, etc. I don't think that's fair to you at all. You deserve to be with someone who is proud to show you off and let others know of your existence.

honestly from what youve shared (maybe im missing pieces) thats not that bad, normal actually. you waited 3 weeks for him to message back. i begged him for hours to block me then went and "bothered" him on another platform so hed unblock me. and thats just the most recent case. before i was "better" (in comparison not actually "better") id message probably 50-100 times because i was sure he hated me. "i was just sleeping" oh...... i dont wait 5mins, 3 weeks is impressive and i wish i could. (again, unless im missing something.)

My current fp is a cop.. no way in hellll do I want to get in trouble with him nor do I want him to block me. When we "tried dating," I would send him texts a little more frequently and voice my concerns, but I knew I had to dial my bpd-ness back. I've also gotten the "I've been sleeping all day" texts, yet had to keep my thoughts to myself. I've sent texts saying I don't think we should talk anymore, only to text him back a few days or week later. I've done some odd sh!t and I'm definitely not proud of it. My op was talking about a recent experience, but I've known him for almost 2 years. The bpd in me would also ask him to block me, especially if he thinks I'm wasting my time. But I can't do that. So I'm met with silence at this time.

I've been seeing a good therapist for the past 4 years, plus I'm getting older. Maybe that's why I have *some* self control. I have quiet bpd so everything is internalized.

1000000% yes, but i promised him i wouldnt ctb for him/us ("thankfully" the world gives me many other reasons).


(sorry i cant say much more past answering your questions. im emotionally/mentally exhausted)

Honestly, I can understand that mindset. There's so many reasons. Out of curiosity, why did you promise him that ? And no need to apologize. I don't talk much either when I'm mentally exhausted nor do I want to

 

[Life_and_Death]

I've never had a guy attached to me before. Genuine question, what is that like?

id think like a normal relationship. when you want to be with someone you want to be with them, ya know?
but in my specific situation with the complications.... not great..... like you dont even "want to be with me" (be in a more realistic relationship situation) but you dont want to let go. pick one because your issues are now my issues! if it was someone that wasnt attached to me, then they would just go away and id deal with myself instead of this constant no but yes bs.

You deserve to be with someone who is proud to show you off and let others know of your existence.

the issue isnt showing me off "its just because of the complications between us and youre living with him" i offered you to move in with me before i asked him, you screwed yourself over and its selfish to expect me to live alone. (its not safe. what if something goes wrong. its in the middle of the woods. but screw if i die that could have been prevented for your comfort??)

My current fp is a cop.. no way in hellll do I want to get in trouble with him nor do I want him to block me. When we "tried dating," I would send him texts a little more frequently and voice my concerns, but I knew I had to dial my bpd-ness back. I've also gotten the "I've been sleeping all day" texts, yet had to keep my thoughts to myself. I've sent texts saying I don't think we should talk anymore, only to text him back a few days or week later. I've done some odd sh!t and I'm definitely not proud of it. My op was talking about a recent experience, but I've known him for almost 2 years. The bpd in me would also ask him to block me, especially if he thinks I'm wasting my time. But I can't do that. So I'm met with silence at this time.

I've been seeing a good therapist for the past 4 years, plus I'm getting older. Maybe that's why I have *some* self control. I have quiet bpd so everything is internalized.

ah that makes sense. idk what kind i am. it could be that or like you said just who he is.
i did want to comment on that, but like i said i wasnt feeling the best.
idk exactly what its like where you live (i know bpd can be taken extremely harsh and completely out of context), but it does strike me as a little off (on his part) that it seems like you cant talk to him, whether hes a cop or not. in a healthy relationship (be it romantic or platonic) you should be able to have a conversation about how you feel and everything
(im happy for you for getting a good therapist )

Out of curiosity, why did you promise him that ?

because he didnt want me to. i was telling myself that i had to ctb for him but if he doesnt want me to do that, then its not whats best for him.

And no need to apologize. I don't talk much either when I'm mentally exhausted nor do I want to

thanks
honestly im really grateful you responded. im not sure what happened (maybe im just "stupid" and forgot the title lol) but i couldnt find the thread. i had thought you might have gotten (understandably) upset that i called you normal and deleted it i started wondering if i should pm and say sorry but i wasnt 100% i remembered your name. so thank you :)

 

[futurecorpse]

id think like a normal relationship. when you want to be with someone you want to be with them, ya know?
but in my specific situation with the complications.... not great..... like you dont even "want to be with me" (be in a more realistic relationship situation) but you dont want to let go. pick one because your issues are now my issues! if it was someone that wasnt attached to me, then they would just go away and id deal with myself instead of this constant no but yes bs.

Ahh I see. That sounds like an exhausting situation :// I'm sorry you're going through that I totally get what you mean when you say their issues are now your issues. Their indecisiveness really messes with you. You deserve someone who's sure about you

the issue isnt showing me off "its just because of the complications between us and youre living with him" i offered you to move in with me before i asked him, you screwed yourself over and its selfish to expect me to live alone. (its not safe. what if something goes wrong. its in the middle of the woods. but screw if i die that could have been prevented for your comfort??)

I would be like "You're not even sure if you want to be with me, yet you have a problem with me living with someone when it's for safety reasons?" I feel like they don't really get a say if they're already indecisive about us, but that's just me.. And yeah exactly! You had your chance and won't make up your mind so screw your comfort

ah that makes sense. idk what kind i am. it could be that or like you said just who he is.
i did want to comment on that, but like i said i wasnt feeling the best.
idk exactly what its like where you live (i know bpd can be taken extremely harsh and completely out of context), but it does strike me as a little off (on his part) that it seems like you cant talk to him, whether hes a cop or not. in a healthy relationship (be it romantic or platonic) you should be able to have a conversation about how you feel and everything
(im happy for you for getting a good therapist )

He's a walking red flag but I'm still infatuated with him. It's pathetic, ik :// Besides a few similar interests and both of our moms being deceased, we really don't have anything going for us... I'm in the US and when it comes to bpd, people still have a harsh view and misunderstanding on it I've never told him I have bpd and I don't think I would ever unless things miraculously changed between us. He's distant and doesn't seem like he would be emotionally supportive. I really only see him as a cop since we've only had one or two deep conversations. If I talked to him more, including deep convos, I would see more than just a badge. If I said everything that's on my mind, I feel like I would scare people away. My mind is just too intense I'm very grateful for my therapist though! I'm guessing the guy in your life knows you have bpd; what does he think about it?

because he didnt want me to. i was telling myself that i had to ctb for him but if he doesnt want me to do that, then its not whats best for him.

Oh okay, I understand now. A family member has asked me to promise I don't hurt myself or try to kms, but I don't make promises I don't intend to keep and if I think I'll be unable to keep them :/

thanks
honestly im really grateful you responded. im not sure what happened (maybe im just "stupid" and forgot the title lol) but i couldnt find the thread. i had thought you might have gotten (understandably) upset that i called you normal and deleted it i started wondering if i should pm and say sorry but i wasnt 100% i remembered your name. so thank you :)

Of course, thank you for replying too :) I noticed my post temporarily disappeared and I was like "Oh sh!t, I already did something wrong on SaSu" lolol. You're not stupid at all! I'm not upset or anything. There are moments where I'll forget to respond or I'm just not in the mood to respond right away - too depressed or too tired - so it's nothing personal I can now pm people so feel free to do so

 

[Life_and_Death]

what does he think about it?

hes understandable and wishes he could do more to help. (yeah, im gonna leave that there considering what we've already talked about lol)

I don't make promises I don't intend to keep and if I think I'll be unable to keep them :/

thats why i went with that specific wording

(sorry for not saying much, its late for me and ive been dealing with ana symptoms )

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

He's a walking red flag but I'm still infatuated with him. It's pathetic, ik :// Besides a few similar interests and both of our moms being deceased, we really don't have anything going for us...

I don't have BPD but I'm in a similar situation, it sucks so hard and I really feel your pain :( In my case it's been 10 days since we texted and last time it was me who initiated. He didn't take what I said seriously, almost mocked me for it, and in fairness it was such a trivial thing but it still really hurt. Every time I reach out to him I get hurt yet I keep doing it. I wonder when I'll finally learn my lesson.

 

[futurecorpse]

hes understandable and wishes he could do more to help. (yeah, im gonna leave that there considering what we've already talked about lol)

It's good that he's understanding. Being decisive and knowing what he wants could help And that's fair lol

thats why i went with that specific wording

(sorry for not saying much, its late for me and ive been dealing with ana symptoms )

I gotcha And no need to apologize! Ana is a bishh. I went through it when I was 13, so I understand the struggle. Take care of yourself and have a good night

I don't have BPD but I'm in a similar situation, it sucks so hard and I really feel your pain :( In my case it's been 10 days since we texted and last time it was me who initiated. He didn't take what I said seriously, almost mocked me for it, and in fairness it was such a trivial thing but it still really hurt. Every time I reach out to him I get hurt yet I keep doing it. I wonder when I'll finally learn my lesson.

Ugh I know! Is it always you who's initiating texts and asking him questions ? Trivial or not, it still hurt you. No one deserves to be mocked for anything. I understand what you mean; it's such a vicious yet addicting cycle. Even if the oxytocin boost lasts for an hour, it's so hard to let go. Is there anything you like to do that helps you take your mind off of him? I also wonder the same thing for myself yet I can't even bring myself to block his number
Sending you a ton of hugs! You're definitely not alone