Venting He lied again

[annxietty]

So I have very bad memory, like really bad (thank you meds) but I think Ive discussed before in this site my decision to ask my dad for a psychologist, live Ive said in multiple past posts Im moving in June with my sister to give another chance to life, of course this sounds amazing right? But the big problem is how my mental health has deteriorated in the past year, last time my sister saw me I had won against agoraphobia thanks to therapy and not giving up, but life is cruel and complete shit, so I ended up without therapy, again in agoraphobia hell and with extreme levels of anxiety (always feeling sick and aside from other problems right now Im suffering quite a lot because I have bruxism and my mouth hurts like hell). Ive tried explaining my feelings and fears to my sister, she means well, but doesnt fully understand how I am at the moment, which is normal, only we know how we feel, and she has never suffered from any of this before... I decided to get professional help (which personally has helped me in the past) but is very hard in this short period of time (the deadline is the end of June) without money, I dont have a job so I had to ask for help again (I had already asked for help many times before, which is very hard thing to do) to my dad, he then told me that I had to wait 2 weeks so he could to pay for a therapist (he could pay for it before but didnt want to, he preferred seeing me suffer I guess, now that I begged him for it he couldnt pay it because of personal reasons, that are his fault btw) I was sad to hear that I had to wait but Im used to it already I guess... Well, almost 4 weeks have passed and nothing has happened, today he came saying he asked in the hospital for a free psychologist for me (a free psychologist can only see you once every 4 months in my country)... So he lied to me, again, he always lies... always... so why am I crying? why am I stupid enough to believe him? why am I so useless that I have to beg for help because I cant do shit by myself? Its not the fact that someone doesnt help me that hurts me (my mom cant do anything for me because she is in a bad place in life at the moment, in any case it should be ME helping her), is the fact that someone who supposedly loves you can help you but doesnt want to... Its a long story how much my father has made me suffer, you know how decissions in life have consequences? I havent done shit in my life its always other people doing shit and me paying with them the consequences, my dad losing jobs because he wanted to get laid or didnt enjoy the job so he quitted without thinking about his wife and daughters, my parents moving to another city... I still havent done anything in my life because Im full of hatred, because I pity myself... Everyday I think about how I want to die and bring despair to everyone, then the next second I think I dont want to die because Im scared of making life changing decissions... thats why so many people here are so brave in my opinion, im a coward who is afraid of even showing the despair I go through daily... Am I even capable of having a normal life? Will I always struggle with normal tasks? like getting on a bus, eating outside, meeting with people... Sorry Im not even making sense anymore, my english sucks lol Is hard for me to express myself... so many things to say...... Whoever reads all of this, thank you. Even in this cruel world, full of evil people, I will try to fight, Im too coward to kill myself (made a half hearted attempt once) and in this site I realized how difficult it is to leave this world even if you really wanted to. I dont know where am I headed, Im terrified but someone put me in this world and that cant be undone I guess.

Ah and in 7h I will be going outside which terrifies me, I dont believe in god but pray for me? lol