Venting he finally let go. and its because i ruin everything i get into.

[deadngoresurgery]

this is it. we met up at the train track spot where we would hang out often at night after he ignored me/ didnt text me for couple days. he told me to bring his blanket that he let me keep. i knew he wanted to stop talking to me once he told me this. then he talked to me. we discussed shit that was going on recently. and well, i shed lots of tears. we moved to another comfortable spot and thats when he said it. "i think its best we stop seeing each other and texting each other". i couldnt handle it. i broke down with him right next to me. he gave me his jacket cuz it was cold. after he told me that, he gave me a note. he told me to read it whenever i want. i asked him why he wanted to stop talking and he said there were many reasons, but he thought if he told me, it would hurt me. i just sat there, crying. i didnt wanna leave him. i wanted to be with him. he said he doesnt want to stop talking to me, but he thinks its for the best. im just breaking down. then he suggests that we leave back to our dorms. i told him no because that would mean that this is the last time id be seeing him. i beg to not leave, but eventually we just leave to our dorms. but then i suggested that we look at the old graffiti that we made before. it broke me, i just started crying again and again. then he hugs me one last time, and kisses my forehead. he tells me "i love you and i always will". we walked back painstakingly, then i ask him, ''can i have one last kiss", but he just replied "lets go back to our dorms". i asked why it had to be this way. but he told me "are you sure you want to know?" i said yes because i was already hurt. whats more pain gonna do?

well, the reason he said he wants all this is because i said some things to him that made him believe i dont want to be with him. i remember one night, last month, he was feeding into his addictions (vaping) and i was telling him to stop, but he wouldnt. so i got really upset because he said he wouldnt do it anymore, especially not in front of me. but he did. so i left the dorm and was gonna go to the train tracks to hurt myself with the rocks. but he followed me to stop me from hurting myself. on the way there, these 2 guys i know and that hes friends with were smoking outside, and he went up to them and asked for a cig. then they gave it to him, and he started smoking it. the 2 dudes who were smoking then tried to start conversation with me, but i told them i had to go and left. i felt so fucking hurt. then he told them "ill catch you later" then followed me there. he grabbed my arms so i wouldnt grab the rocks to bruise myself with. i told him to fuck off. that he smells disgusting with his cigarettes. that i regret meeting him... to leave me alone. to just leave to his dorm. he still wouldnt let go of my arms. that hurt him. it hurt me saying those things to him because i didnt mean any of that. i said that because these were some things previous people i used to talk to have said to me before. and i dont fucking know why i decided to project that onto him. i regret saying that. i didnt mean any of that. please, im sorry. i didnt mean it. i know you think i dont want you, but i do. i didnt mean any of that. im so fucking sorry. i ruined it. i ruined our chances.

but anyways, those things hurt him badly, but he said that was the main reason why he thinks he should stop talking to me entirely. he said there were other reasons, but he didnt tell me. and i dont think ill ever know now. and thats when i knew i fucking ruined it. "we all make mistakes" he said. he then said that we should go back to our dorms. i begged for a bit more time, but nope. we were walking back. he got his blanket. now i dont have it anymore. i used to sleep with it in my arms. it would bring me comfort every night. now its gone. i stood there staring at him as he walked away. "keep going. i know its hard, but you got this. i love you" he said as he walked away. i would never talk to him again. i read the letter. it was so sweet. so fucking bittersweet. i sobbed just reading it. he really does love me. or did. and it hurts to think of him with someone else. i want it to be me so badly. but thats not happening. this is all my fault. if i hadnt said that shit, maybe it wouldnt have been like this. i regret this. i hate myself so badly. i ruined it. there some details im leaving out because it all happened so fast and everything is spinning, so i cant remember everything. but this is basically what happened.

i cant fucking believe this. every relationship. i always manage to fuck it up. this is one i wanted so goddamn bad. and its gone. forever. i dont know what to do. i genuinely just want to die now. a worthless sack of shit like me who hurts others just deserves to fucking die. theres something wrong with me and i have to die. i actually have to, before i hurt anyone else. fuck this life. why did this have to happen. i think i actually will.