Story He CTBed

[pleaseiwanttogo]

This is a love story, in a way. And in a way, it has a happy ending.

I met him here. Never imagined something like that could happen, so randomly, and be so important to me. Of all places, here.

We met a week after I discovered my method of choice, the day I went to buy everything. I was extremely excited and he said it was weird for me to be acting like that, to be so happy for it, while I felt like a dream coming true.
We talked for days until he suggested to spend some days in my city, for a concert. I agreed. I was so anxious the days before. It was great to spend time with him, and really hard to say goodbye. I did, I said my goodbye, we agreed it would be the last time we talked and I knew about his plans. But do we really believe in a forever goodbye?

Those days with you were amazing. I lied, I wanted more. You knew, I know you knew, but it was for the best.

He was my friend, I love him and loved the days we spent together, but although we literally met at this website and we both planned to CTB, I still can't believe he did it. I can't believe someone I met, spent so much time together, had intimacy and love, could actually do it. When I thought and planned to CTB it sounded different. When I read other people talking about it here, it was different. When you actually lose someone, it's totally different.
He was my friend, I really miss him.

I hope you're ok, happy, safe. I hope she is too and you're together. I hope for everything good to you.

So, he had his "happy ending", and although I knew it would happen, it was a shock to know he's not here anymore.
How? He was a whole human being with so much history, we had experienced so many things together, we were together and now he's not even alive anymore? How can the skin I touched now be buried? How could that happen? I can't manage to understand. I'm happy for him because he really wanted that, he was suffering here, he really didn't see an out, but again, how could this be fucking real? How can someone I love be gone because they chose so? I'm reconsidering my own plans to CTB because this fucking fucked situation is so shitty I get mad to think people I love could feel like that. I know why he did it, the many reasons to do so, I'm happy for him to have achieved his goal, but I'm still sad and mad for it. I couldn't save him. I couldn't save her. I can only save me, the last person who would want to be saved. I'm here, still. I just want him to be ok. I can't believe he's not here anymore. I wanted a last goodbye. A thousand more.

I guess I never believed you. I told you I don't understand death.

I want you back :(

Now, I guess I'm experiencing grief again and don't have anyone to talk about it. I wanted people to understand it mattered to me.

You mattered. I hope you know that.

Thank you for those days.

It was more than something random, I'll carry our memories with me, with love. I hope to learn to be okay with your absence soon. I wish with all my heart you're in peace.

I just needed, and still do, to talk about it. It's hurting like I didn't think it would. I'm so... It's like the part of my heart where you lived it's now shattered. You're not here. I'll never see you again. How can that be possible?

Well, thank you for reading until here. I'm... I don't even know how I am doing anymore. I'm sad and angry and confused. Loss is terrible, in any way.

 

[thickly_settled]

That's beautiful. But it's all the more reason to leave, right? Everything goes away. It's fucking cruel.

 

[davidtorez]

Unfortunately death is part of the human predicament. I really hope you feel better soon.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Omg, OP I just wanna hug you. I can only imagine a scenario like that. everything you're feeling is valid, your grief is valid and I know me and others are here for you, as much as you want to talk about it. People that affect our lives in such a deep way deserve remembrance. <3

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

That's beautiful. But it's all the more reason to leave, right? Everything goes away. It's fucking cruel.

I understand your point of view and I would have agreed with you before, but it's the opposite for me now. If I leave, I'll never have great experiences again. Yes, it's cruel that it goes away, but it's better to have had it for a while than to never experience that. Love, for example, we can't promise it forever, but it's amazing while it lasts. Losing someone is deeply painful, but imagine to never have known them, never talk, touch, play, have memories with them, all lost. So yes, it might be painful some day, but it might be amazing as well.

Although, if life is being experienced with more pain then pleasure, I also don't see a point, because, yeah, it would be (and it is for many people) cruel.

 

[Interloper]

Thank you for putting this so beautifully, I have felt very similar but was never able to really get it out in writing like this. Almost 2 years now and frankly the grief seems to only get stronger and stronger. Almost every single sentence in your post resonates so much with me. Thank you again, it got me sobbing lol. I'm sorry about your friend, it genuinely changes you as a person.

 

[vitbar]

You have my condolances. I know what it's like to lose a partner. The waves of grief.

I sit here speaking to you and miss hearing you speak back. Thinking that your death leaves our relationship one sided. That I buy you flowers and ask you questions without any response, but that's wrong. It's the opposite. You still give me so much but can't receive the smallest gift from me.

In a sense both views are true. I'm not sure I miss either more. What you gave me or giving you what I could.

 

[Worndown]

Unfortunately we are fragile creatures with limited time available.
I am glad you met and shared some good times. Many never get that chance.
While he is no longer with us physically, his memory lives with you. Thank you for sharing him with us through your post.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

Omg, OP I just wanna hug you. I can only imagine a scenario like that. everything you're feeling is valid, your grief is valid and I know me and others are here for you, as much as you want to talk about it. People that affect our lives in such a deep way deserve remembrance. <3

I really wanted that hug! Thank you very much for that.
<3

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

Thank you for putting this so beautifully, I have felt very similar but was never able to really get it out in writing like this. Almost 2 years now and frankly the grief seems to only get stronger and stronger. Almost every single sentence in your post resonates so much with me. Thank you again, it got me sobbing lol. I'm sorry about your friend, it genuinely changes you as a person.

Thank you! I'm sorry for your loss, as well. If you ever want to talk about it, feel free to message me <3 And yes, I thought it wouldn't change me, that choosing to live that wouldn't make a difference, it would be just an experience, but now I can see it brought me a totally different point of view about choosing to CTB. It seemed obvious and many people warned me about it, "you shouldn't get involved", they said, "it won't be healthy for you", but I didn't listen and I don't regret it, it was the right decision to meet him, I'm glad I did and I'm glad I got to show him beautiful things and places, got to spend so much time with him, got to enjoy my friend before he went away, and I'm glad I could say goodbye. Now I'm dealing with his death and although it's hard, I only wish him peace and happiness. I dare to say I'm proud that he did what he so badly wanted, he was very brave to do so. Still, I'm sad and I miss him.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I understand your point of view and I would have agreed with you before, but it's the opposite for me now. If I leave, I'll never have great experiences again. Yes, it's cruel that it goes away, but it's better to have had it for a while than to never experience that. Love, for example, we can't promise it forever, but it's amazing while it lasts. Losing someone is deeply painful, but imagine to never have known them, never talk, touch, play, have memories with them, all lost. So yes, it might be painful some day, but it might be amazing as well.

Although, if life is being experienced with more pain then pleasure, I also don't see a point, because, yeah, it would be (and it is for many people) cruel.

This is a very nice take. It made me feel a little more grateful. I've been through some bad heartbreak but those experiences made me who I am. I'm sorry you've experienced this, but it seems you agree with the phrase, "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

 

[Hitakiri]

I feel for you, I really do. I myself am.. far more acquainted with loss than I'd like to be. Every day without her feels like a lifetime of dying slowly. And yet.. I want to live. I want to feel what she made me feel, even the grief. She had no one, nothing. I was it. Sometimes I feel like I wasn't enough to save her, but cancer isn't something you can just beat with your fists. I'm all that keeps her memory alive. All that holds her dearly in my heart. When I die, the memory of her dies with me. It's a thought I cannot bear. I used to long so desperately for death. Now I feel like a fool. She wanted to live, so fucking badly. I wanted her to as well. I convinced myself she would. That cancer can be beaten, and that she'd overcome it no matter what. Life isn't always kind. But it can be. It let me know her, before she was gone, after all.

I have spent whole nights lying awake asking why. Why I made it and she didn't. When nights are bad and I think "tonight I might end it" her name gets stuck in my mind. It creates a space between my finger and the trigger. My love for her is all that stands between me and death. And each time I hear her voice ask me,
"how badly do you want this life? It's all I ever wanted, but you got it - so what are you willing to do, to keep it?" To throw it away would be an insult to her, and what she wanted for me. So I try to make her proud. I try to be kinder than I have to be, uplift those who are struggling. It's selfish in a way, as I'm not doing it for them. I'm doing it for myself, to feel a sense of purpose, and for her. She was always so kind to everyone. I never deserved her. But I'm going to spread that kindness she poured into me, and live for the both of us.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

You have my condolances. I know what it's like to lose a partner. The waves of grief.

Thank you and I'm sorry for your loss, my condolences to you as well.

 

[FireFox]

Sorry for your loss OP. You met and connected with someone who understood you, never judged you and made you comfortable to be yourself. Such a person is rare to find in this world.

Take care OP

Love

FireFox :)

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

I feel for you, I really do. I myself am.. far more acquainted with loss than I'd like to be. Every day without her feels like a lifetime of dying slowly. And yet.. I want to live. I want to feel what she made me feel, even the grief. She had no one, nothing. I was it. Sometimes I feel like I wasn't enough to save her, but cancer isn't something you can just beat with your fists. I'm all that keeps her memory alive. All that holds her dearly in my heart. When I die, the memory of her dies with me. It's a thought I cannot bear. I used to long so desperately for death. Now I feel like a fool. She wanted to live, so fucking badly. I wanted her to as well. I convinced myself she would. That cancer can be beaten, and that she'd overcome it no matter what. Life isn't always kind. But it can be. It let me know her, before she was gone, after all.

I have spent whole nights lying awake asking why. Why I made it and she didn't. When nights are bad and I think "tonight I might end it" her name gets stuck in my mind. It creates a space between my finger and the trigger. My love for her is all that stands between me and death. And each time I hear her voice ask me,
"how badly do you want this life? It's all I ever wanted, but you got it - so what are you willing to do, to keep it?" To throw it away would be an insult to her, and what she wanted for me. So I try to make her proud. I try to be kinder than I have to be, uplift those who are struggling. It's selfish in a way, as I'm not doing it for them. I'm doing it for myself, to feel a sense of purpose, and for her. She was always so kind to everyone. I never deserved her. But I'm going to spread that kindness she poured into me, and live for the both of us.

My condolences to you. When I first read your answer I couldn't even answer, not only because it made me cry but for all the meaning and implications you explained. I'm really sorry for you.

 

[iamanavalanche]

i am so sorry you had to go through this loss. thank you for sharing your story with this person and i wish peace for both of you <3

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

Sorry for your loss OP. You met and connected with someone who understood you, never judged you and made you comfortable to be yourself. Such a person is rare to find in this world.

Take care OP

Love

FireFox :)

Thank you! It was actually not like that lol, he was special but our relationship was more like a friendly-annoying friendship. But I miss it and regret not spending more time with him.
Thanks again :)

i am so sorry you had to go through this loss.

Thank you, it's getting less heavy with time.

thank you for sharing your story with this person

thank you all for reading, I could talk about it for hours and my friends are tired of hearing his name and just tell me to forget it, or they ignore me. it's like they don't understand how much he mattered to me, even if we had only met for a short period of time before he was gone.

and i wish peace for both of you <3

thank you and I wish you the same! <3