Hawaii

[anelakapu]

HI. I don't talk much on here , im a husk/don't have much to think/feel/say anymore . A few weeks ago i attempted charcoal in a car/garage, but backed out from fear/poor planning. Im in hawaii, if anyone else is in Maui and wants to die I'd really love to meet up. I did charcoal a few weeks ago while in Arizona and also "tried" hanging (just barely set up rope) because I was being moved out here and also because of court dates from my mom's husband charging assault because I threw eggs. Events like this are horrible but it's been a long road. I lost myself a long time ago and now that I'm nothing , ive been nothing for so long, my mom paid to fly me out to Hawaii to dump me on my brother who is staying with cousins I've never met(absent father's side of family) a lot of young hot people basically, I'm 26 but look 46 (psychosomatic response to chronic stress, I've been "actively" suicidal for 10 years). Add the gross appearance to a disturbingly uncomfortable social presence. It's all just a mess. Just constant results of not ending it when I should. I'm going to try the 'night night' method, not try but do. I don't get to think or try anything anymore. It's all Do. Did you know Hawaii is Hell for introverts? Have you ever seen anyone cry on a flight to Hawaii? Thanks for reading. I guess I'm posting because.. I don't really want to be alone and as always. I'm scared.

 

[TiredHorse]

Hello Anelakapu.

I don't blame you a bit for being scared. Sounds like you're in a pretty awful spot. I'm still pretty new here at ss, but I've become an addict to this place --because I'm otherwise really, really alone. It seems like a good place for feeling a little less alone.

I'm looking west at HI from WA.

 

[Made4TV]

I agree with Tired Horse. No wonder you are scared and lonely. It's hard to live like this. Or die like this.

 

[Donewith_]

HI. I don't talk much on here , im a husk/don't have much to think/feel/say anymore . A few weeks ago i attempted charcoal in a car/garage, but backed out from fear/poor planning. Im in hawaii, if anyone else is in Maui and wants to die I'd really love to meet up. I did charcoal a few weeks ago while in Arizona and also "tried" hanging (just barely set up rope) because I was being moved out here and also because of court dates from my mom's husband charging assault because I threw eggs. Events like this are horrible but it's been a long road. I lost myself a long time ago and now that I'm nothing , ive been nothing for so long, my mom paid to fly me out to Hawaii to dump me on my brother who is staying with cousins I've never met(absent father's side of family) a lot of young hot people basically, I'm 26 but look 46 (psychosomatic response to chronic stress, I've been "actively" suicidal for 10 years). Add the gross appearance to a disturbingly uncomfortable social presence. It's all just a mess. Just constant results of not ending it when I should. I'm going to try the 'night night' method, not try but do. I don't get to think or try anything anymore. It's all Do. Did you know Hawaii is Hell for introverts? Have you ever seen anyone cry on a flight to Hawaii? Thanks for reading. I guess I'm posting because.. I don't really want to be alone and as always. I'm scared.

Hugs .. we are here with you. Introvs should put in a lot of effort to even feel to be normal in many situations. Can understand I am also an introvert.

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

i always wanted to visit hawaii

i still will feel like shit but at least im somewhere with nice weather

 

[anelakapu]

Hello Anelakapu.

I don't blame you a bit for being scared. Sounds like you're in a pretty awful spot. I'm still pretty new here at ss, but I've become an addict to this place --because I'm otherwise really, really alone. It seems like a good place for feeling a little less alone.

I'm looking west at HI from WA.

I've been lurking ss for while, since reddit ,as well as whatever other suicide sites I could find over the years, it's a bittersweet comfort to have others around the world in a similar boat. Hopefully, your problems are temporary. I suppose mine could be too if only I could ignore reality and lie to myself which seems to be a requirement for getting by..

 

[anelakapu]

I agree with Tired Horse. No wonder you are scared and lonely. It's hard to live like this. Or die like this.

Yeah, this life has felt like purgatory for maybe ever . If only leaving were as easy as arriving, or I guess the effort of arriving is on whoever birthed u and that effort gets transferred to you in death.. I don't want this responsibility but..no one else will do it.

 

[anelakapu]

Hugs .. we are here with you. Introvs should put in a lot of effort to even feel to be normal in many situations. Can understand I am also an introvert.

Thanks, society wasn't designed with introverts in mind or maybe that's just life itself who knows

 

[Cody111]

A few cable ties to the steering wheel might be enough to get someone past a fear threshold, or prevent them from acting in time.

 

[anelakapu]

i always wanted to visit hawaii

i still will feel like shit but at least im somewhere with nice weather

It's kind of a silverlining.. I absolutely do not fit in at all aside from being able to tan. But it is beautiful. Even tho last night I was considering using the ratchet, today I still went to a snorkeling beach that looked like something out of a movie , beautiful teal water , the air itself smelled amazing? Like flowers . I swam for the first time in 6 years , well my brothers been forcing me to do all kinds of things I thought I'd be dead before doing- paddle boarding, shooting guns??(which would be an exit option except I'd have to do it in front of ppl and that would just be rude), even going to a skatepark... I'm a fat ugly woman I don't skate.. except I did..so yeah..and now I'm at a beach at night typing this under a sky thick with stars. I absolutely want to die but yeah..the weather is nice. Plan a trip to Maui and we can have a suicide beach bash lol -__-

 

[anelakapu]

A few cable ties to the steering wheel might be enough to get someone past a fear threshold, or prevent them from acting in time.

You mean like driving off a cliff? No cliffs around unfortunately.. Or strapping myself down so I can't undo the ratchet? Knowing me I'd just end up staying alive, getting stuck and causing a scene...

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

@anelakapu what is a beach bash?

 

[anelakapu]

@anelakapu what is a beach bash?

A get together I guess imagine a bunch of suicidal ppl getting together and having a party..i wonder what that would look like? I've actually fantasized about that a lot hah either everyone sitting around a fire crying or going apeshit because nothing to lose or something in between, just sharing and planning? Sounds nice either way rly...