Having to wait for SN is excruciating.. how do you stay sane while getting through this last hurdle ..?

[cscott]

knowing I can't jump and having to wait for SN is excruciating.. cause I literally have not a thing to do or that brings me any joy.

It's like being forced to sit in the naughty corner until I'm allowed to be free..

I also have this deep fear that because certain sleeping tablets don't fully work on me or I have to take extra and I don't even really get hungry anymore or just other weird stuff that SN won't work and I'll be trapped here forever in this nightmare maybe forced to jump on the end as last resort… ?

Could this just be si and the fact that I am so close to the end ..it's all the fear of my own mind knowing & trying to save itself with the fear ?

All I know is EARTH MAKES ME SICK! This is HELL painted with a blue sky

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

Don't worry, I'm sure you're not immune to something as toxic as SN. Waiting sucks but soon you'll be free!

 

[cscott]

Don't worry, I'm sure you're not immune to something as toxic as SN. Waiting sucks but soon you'll be free!

I keep reminding myself the same thing, I'm also so scared of feeling pain though & feeling myself slowly lose unconsciousness ..

You know sometimes that feeling of when a baby is fighting sleep .. it's like I'm more than ready to die but again the thought of just I guess losing all control and eternal sleep creeping in to take me & prehaps feeling it alongside other stuff.. Jesus I could go on forever .. the fear .. It's like the biggest ego death to fully release yourself.

 

[The Burning Fool]

I empathize with you. It must feel very painful and seem too long. SI can take countless different forms. There's no real good or bad ways one should feel in a similar situation. I'm here to listen whenever you want to share your stories. Thank you for being open here about your feelings.

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

I keep reminding myself the same thing, I'm also so scared of feeling pain though & feeling myself slowly lose unconsciousness ..

You know sometimes that feeling of when a baby is fighting sleep .. it's like I'm more than ready to die but again the thought of just I guess losing all control and eternal sleep creeping in to take me & prehaps feeling it alongside other stuff.. Jesus I could go on forever .. the fear .. It's like the biggest ego death to fully release yourself.

It seems that we share similar beliefs so allow me to comfort you and tell you to not fear the death of this body-mind, consciousness has no end. I just shared something about it (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/ctb-countdown-sn.131738/post-2159300) + feel free to Pm me if you want to talk, I'd love to help you in any possible way!

 

[cscott]

It seems that we share similar beliefs so allow me to comfort you and tell you to not fear the death of this body-mind, consciousness has no end. I just shared something about it (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/ctb-countdown-sn.131738/post-2159300) + feel free to Pm me if you want to talk, I'd love to help you in any possible way!

Thankyou I will do!!

you see I used to believe conciouness has no end but going deeper into all sorts of stuff ancient stuff and just an inner knowing I feel that consciousness does end. Because consciousness is only the light that is experiencing itself but everything must return to choas(darkness) before light there was darkness .. so once its time or cycle is up it returns back to be one with the nothingness as that is the true primordial 0 point we come from or are. No consciousness, no experiences just a pure eternal black sleep. Like when when under anthiasia.. This hell I am in proves to me there is no god or afterlife. You could call god the nothingness as it's the zero that encompasses all .. they say we're atoms conscious energy which are 99+ empty or really just nothing. The only thing that has no beginning or end is the nothing. If consciousness is the matrix mind that creates this experience for itself or so explained or so we feel etc etc so what created that mind.. ? Is how I got to this place of nothingness & other stuff that's showed me..

So for me it's knowing my consciousness will go along with my my brain because it's the end cycle of consciousness to me.. Kali Yuga season (death & destruction)

if consciousness has been experiencing itself lifetime after each it will eventually reach its end game like anything in this light realm it will decay and die.. that's why I feel so many of us are all at this similar point of wanting death & seeing the nothingness of life cause our consciousness has expired in a way if you will, once the head reaches the tail it back to the mother void, the veil is lifted .. consciousness is like the child learning or remembering itself & it's come full circle. So it's now time to go back to sleep. It's been awake playing this game far too long look at the state of earth or this place..

If consciousness experiences itself through this body/mind it's the headset then like the matrix says without this body the brain can't survive.. without this headset consciousness must dissolve back into its truest self nothing..

So for me I feel like that lil conscious child scared in a way cause I know my mother is coming for me. And once light enters a black hole it cannot escape so there's no going back death(the nothingness will consume me)

And I suppose the way of having to do this seems unreal so it's scary like.. I got to drink poison like why didn't this consciousness provide itself with a more peaceful exit if its so Infinity intelligent.. it's had it's time of intelligence and it's at its lowest level now if that makes sense hence the physical realm where everything appears real and solid but it's not .. the lowest level where the most suffering takes place .. it's about to time out .. thanks for your words tho talking like this helps I guess cause I'm over talking about anything remotely human other than my pain

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly is like the survival instinct just exists to prolong suffering and keep us trapped here, I really wish it's not so difficult to be free from this hellish existence.

 

[cscott]

It certainly is like the survival instinct just exists to prolong suffering and keep us trapped here, I really wish it's not so difficult to be free from this hellish existence.

It does!!! Your are 100% cause it should subside when u are aware u want to voluntarily let go of this shit. But it's like the devil that fights to the end to stay alive.