Discussion Having to stay alive as to not hurt your family.

[BehindTheWorld]

the only thing keeping me alive is my family. and not in the sense that they make me less suicidal, it's just that I don't want them to suffer.

i'm very grateful for them as i'm lucky that they've never done me wrong. it's just that there's no way to make them understand why i want to cbt.

life has treated them horribly. dad is a war veteran, mom's younger brother was killed in action at only 22, they had been homeless for years, dad's been working 2 jobs for the past 25 years, and recently my brother partially amputated three of his fingers at work.

meanwhile I'm definitely living great compared to them. i'm only 20 and a student on a scholarship. i've never had life repeatedly kick me with the things I can't control unlike them. so me killing myself would not just be hurtful but a complete insult to everything they've poured their life into.

i'm going to wait it out until they rest peacefully. even if i end my life just a couple years prematurely i'll gladly take it.

anyone else in a similar situation? what are your thoughts on the matter?

 

[TinyGuy]

I feel ya man I'm trying to train my brain to not feel those feelings because I do wanna ctb eventually but knowing the fact that my fam will know makes it really hard my gma is very old and she would probably get heart attack she dedicated like 10 years of her life to look after me so i am waiting for her to die peacefully but even if she does the other family members will still suffer.

 

[LostLily]

That the only reason why I'm staying because I don't want to pass the hurt

 

[midstarscream]

the only thing keeping me alive is my family. and not in the sense that they make me less suicidal, it's just that I don't want them to suffer.

i'm very grateful for them as i'm lucky that they've never done me wrong. it's just that there's no way to make them understand why i want to cbt.

life has treated them horribly. dad is a war veteran, mom's younger brother was killed in action at only 22, they had been homeless for years, dad's been working 2 jobs for the past 25 years, and recently my brother partially amputated three of his fingers at work.

meanwhile I'm definitely living great compared to them. i'm only 20 and a student on a scholarship. i've never had life repeatedly kick me with the things I can't control unlike them. so me killing myself would not just be hurtful but a complete insult to everything they've poured their life into.

i'm going to wait it out until they rest peacefully. even if i end my life just a couple years prematurely i'll gladly take it.

anyone else in a similar situation? what are your thoughts on the matter?

So true. My family is the only thing that's keeping me here, and it hurts to be trapped.

 

[mya_]

The best you can do is to wait until they're gone. My brother CTB'd and it's the worst pain I've ever suffered. My parents are also suffering. We respect his decision but it's so hurtful.

 

[smallsupernova]

I don't really care that much about my family, I also don't feel like they'd really care about the me, it would be painful at first but they'd move on
What really keeps me here is my husband, he means the world to me and he already has lots of trauma from other times I've attempted to ctb, it will break him when I do that

 

[CatLvr]

Seems there are a lot of us it seems. I stay because my children would never understand me leaving them behind. We have all be through so much when they were growing up that they would not be able to ever reconcile me ctb-ing.

 

[nomoredolor]

I have gut wrenching guilt for what I'm going to do to my loved ones. I can't stay for them. But I can try to postpone until the Fall or thereabouts and each day I do remain Is gift from me to them. I don't know if I'll make it that long but I'm trying. I used to think I could wait until one or both of my parents died to mitigate the guilt. But I can't handle the pain and suffering and grief. I'm going to keep giving away my stuff and cleaning out my house. I bought SN and interment rights at a cemetery. And just try to stay long enough for my sisters baby to be born so I can meet them and try to support her. I wish there were another way.

I'm sorry you have to go thru this but I acknowledge that you're choosing your suffering over theirs and that makes you a really beautiful person. I will thank you on your family's behalf for staying alive for them. Hugs

Anna

 

[TennTrixie]

I feel the same way. The concern of how it will affect my family is the only reason I'm still here. I have health issues for which there is no cure or treatment or rehab. I'm middle aged. There is no reason for me to stick around other than my family. They are great, and I love them very much. I would have already been gone if it weren't for them. Saying all that, I probably will CTB soon. I'm taking all measures I can think of to make it look like a natural death in order to protect them, but I can't live much longer in the shape I'm in.

 

[danny10]

the only thing keeping me alive is my family. and not in the sense that they make me less suicidal, it's just that I don't want them to suffer.

i'm very grateful for them as i'm lucky that they've never done me wrong. it's just that there's no way to make them understand why i want to cbt.

life has treated them horribly. dad is a war veteran, mom's younger brother was killed in action at only 22, they had been homeless for years, dad's been working 2 jobs for the past 25 years, and recently my brother partially amputated three of his fingers at work.

meanwhile I'm definitely living great compared to them. i'm only 20 and a student on a scholarship. i've never had life repeatedly kick me with the things I can't control unlike them. so me killing myself would not just be hurtful but a complete insult to everything they've poured their life into.

i'm going to wait it out until they rest peacefully. even if i end my life just a couple years prematurely i'll gladly take it.

anyone else in a similar situation? what are your thoughts on the matter?

I totally feel you. I am only living because of my daughter who is 1 year old. If she wasn't here, I would have died already. Even though I am suffering each day, I push on because of my daughter. I live a living hell but I do not want to cause any harm for my daughter whom I love so deeply.

 

[human909]

I also think about my family and their reaction if i catch the bus. It kinda hurts but i hate my life so much it is actually killing me inside.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I also want to hold on till my Dad goes first. He's the only close family member I have left now. My Mum died when I was 3. I think he considered suicide himself at that point but, he held on for me. So, in part, I'm returning the favour.

Things are by no means smooth sailing though. He remarried when I was 10 and there were awful issues with my step family. Things have remained strained over that. Plus, while I know he loves me dearly, he's not always the best emotional support either if I'm honest.

So- similar to you, I'm not staying because I feel so comforted by my family but because I truly can't bear to hurt him. I do actually love him more than I suppose I hate life itself.

I often wonder how I'll feel when he does pass. Obviously, terrible grief but, maybe some relief too that I'm finally free to make my own departure. I wonder if/ how quickly I'll have the guts to do it.

 

[sinnovator]

Of course, I do not want to intentionally cause pain as a result of my transition. But at the same time:
1. Death is a natural part of life. Everyone has to accept that.
2. It's not my responsibility to force myself to keep going with a life that I consider unbearable to protect others from pain.
3. Life will go on. It's probably SI speaking when I think of how my loved ones' world will be obliterated by my transition. It will hurt, but it will go on for them.
4. CTB is no more or less 'bad' than dying by any other means.
5. Loss sparks growth. I am hopeful that my transition will spur some deep and meaningful changes as a ripple effect.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Of course, I do not want to intentionally cause pain as a result of my transition. But at the same time:
1. Death is a natural part of life. Everyone has to accept that.
2. It's not my responsibility to force myself to keep going with a life that I consider unbearable to protect others from pain.
3. Life will go on. It's probably SI speaking when I think of how my loved ones' world will be obliterated by my transition. It will hurt, but it will go on for them.
4. CTB is no more or less 'bad' than dying by any other means.
5. Loss sparks growth. I am hopeful that my transition will spur some deep and meaningful changes as a ripple effect.

This although idk if I can agree with point 5. The rest are spot on though. I don't want my death to create a mess because I'm against suffering so it'd be unfair if my death caused suffering to others but, like you said, everybody has to die one day eventually. My death is inevitable meaning that my family will inevitably have to deal with the grief caused by it. It isn't nice but unfortunately those are the rules that have been imposed upon us due to being born. Life and death always come in pairs

 

[NitrogenAfternoon]

It is my only reason for holding, but I am afraid it is no longer enough for me to want to proceed anymore. My Mom did everything right, and she is aware of my struggles and what I am going through. I even mentioned i wrote a S note to her. I feel like I will only continue to let her down and disappoint her if I continue, and the suffering is just unbearable lately.

 

[bluengreen]

As much as I love my family, they are simply incapable of understanding why I feel and function the way I do. Every time I try to express my SI they shut me down and deny it. I'm tired of being nothing more than a living emotional crutch

 

[helloandbye1]

Yes, right now, it's the only thing that's keeping me alive.
But it also makes me so angry - i didn't ask to be born, especially with mental illness, so as much as I love my family, I can't live with my brain anymore. I'm using this time to carefully plan every step of my ctb.

 

[Salting the wounds]

When you are dead you will have no worries, you will simply not exist.