Venting Having to pretend everything is okay

[LastDay]

I'm feeling so emotional today. I've been having to live a double life and act like I'm trying to get better as to not set off any alarms while I go about finding the best way to die.

It's so hard going in and lying to my therapist (I love her like a mom) that I'm improving but really I'm worse than I've ever been in my life. Same with my boyfriend of nine years. I've always been honest and open with him and now I can't. It's so hard to laugh and joke and pretend everything is okay when I just want to die so bad.

Anybody going through the same? How do you deal?

 

[lost_soul83]

I'm feeling so emotional today. I've been having to live a double life and act like I'm trying to get better as to not set off any alarms while I go about finding the best way to die.

It's so hard going in and lying to my therapist (I love her like a mom) that I'm improving but really I'm worse than I've ever been in my life. Same with my boyfriend I've always been honest and open with him and now I can't. It's so hard to laugh and joke and pretend everything is okay when I just want to die so bad.

Anybody going through the same? How do you deal?

I'm definitely going through the same shit. My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 years now and we've been through me being suicidal before, but I was never actively trying to plan out my death before and trying to get my affairs in order before I ctb. I think my brother's death just broke me....I just don't wanna hurt so badly anymore. But until I ctb, I have to pretend that everything is okay and that I'm doing well, when I'm truly dying inside.....it's so very hard to lie to the people that care about me the most and tell them that I'm not thinking about suicide, when that's all I think about. No one in my life even knows I'm on this site all the time, looking for support and tips on how to ctb successfully. I just don't want to be saved this time. I guess I'll have to be strong and keep up this charade for a little while longer....

To those of you going through the same.....stay strong, your pain will end soon, hopefully.

 

[couragetodie]

I am in the same boat; I imagine a lot of us here are. Unless we are completely isolated by others, we have to "put on the dog" and pretend. The lying is super hard. I hate lying and find myself tortured to lie to those I love. I have instead really cut everyone off. I just stopped responding. I would rather not talk to them than lie at this point. I know if I admit how I have actively prepared to ctb, I will end up somewhere I don't want to be. It sucks. Part of me says — this is the SI wanting us to be honest about our innermost thoughts as to disclose would lead straight to hospitalization. The thought of being hospitalized deters many of us who suffer from depression. Being depressed inside a mental hospital is fucking excruciating. I don't wish this on anyone.

 

[LastDay]

I am in the same boat; I imagine a lot of us here are. Unless we are completely isolated by others, we have to "put on the dog" and pretend. The lying is super hard. I hate lying and find myself tortured to lie to those I love. I have instead really cut everyone off. I just stopped responding. I would rather not talk to them than lie at this point. I know if I admit how I have actively prepared to ctb, I will end up somewhere I don't want to be. It sucks. Part of me says — this is the SI wanting us to be honest about our innermost thoughts as to disclose would lead straight to hospitalization. The thought of being hospitalized deters many of us who suffer from depression. Being depressed inside a mental hospital is fucking excruciating. I don't wish this on anyone.

Yeah...I've been isolating too. My therapist and boyfriend did point out that I seem a bit withdrawn but since I act playful and crack jokes all the time they don't seem to think too much of it.

 

[TheCrow]

Do you have a plan as to when you're going to ctb? Method? If I've heard this in a different thread & forgotten, I'm sorry.

I talk with my family about things in the future, and I'm thinking, I'm probably not going to be alive then, so...

 

[GeorgeEastman]

People know you're faking. Subconscious interactions occur every time you're around people. Often, their words and what they truly think aren't even close. I can tell they're lying.

This isn't a jumping on, but just saying pretending is a waste of time. But then again, so is living.

 

[LastDay]

@TheCrow I was hoping to find a partner and talked to several people but for one reason or another hasn't worked out. I don't really have income or drive so I'm pretty limited in options. I've practiced with partial the last couple days to no avail.

@GeorgeEastman That might be for a normal person but for someone like me whose been chronically suicidal, people actually believe signs of improvement. A fellow suicidal person would probably see right through me though. Also joking about it all the time has also helped my case

 

[HellinHeaven]

The thought of being hospitalized deters many of us who suffer from depression. Being depressed inside a mental hospital is fucking excruciating. I don't wish this on anyone.

That's the point, every therapist is pro-life, you cannot talk to them in a way with open conclusion. Everyone wants to convince you about life, if necessary by force.

 

[leaps]

Every day

 

[ReadyasEver]

It's tough. I've found that practice is best and dangerous all at the same time. I'm pretty much planned out on everything else, this gives you a little peace of mind. I find myself being very careful on answering things when people ask personal questions.

 

[ThisIsTheEnd]

I'm feeling so emotional today. I've been having to live a double life and act like I'm trying to get better as to not set off any alarms while I go about finding the best way to die.

It's so hard going in and lying to my therapist (I love her like a mom) that I'm improving but really I'm worse than I've ever been in my life. Same with my boyfriend of nine years. I've always been honest and open with him and now I can't. It's so hard to laugh and joke and pretend everything is okay when I just want to die so bad.

Anybody going through the same? How do you deal?

I feel this so hard. Having to lie to my family about my non existent future sucks.

 

[Deafsn0w]

I just tell them i think about suicide once a week but actually i want to die 24/7

EDIT: I'm trying to avoid lying to my family. I don't exactly tell them i'm improving.

 

[TheCrow]

@TheCrow I was hoping to find a partner and talked to several people but for one reason or another hasn't worked out. I don't really have income or drive so I'm pretty limited in options. I've practiced with partial the last couple days to no avail.

@GeorgeEastman That might be for a normal person but for someone like me whose been chronically suicidal, people actually believe signs of improvement. A fellow suicidal person would probably see right through me though. Also joking about it all the time has also helped my case

Damn. That method might not be so bad if Kate Spade can do it. It kinda scares me, and yet I kinda understand how easy it could be. I'm sorry you have limited options. If you are determined to ctb, I hope you are able to find a way to go peacefully.

 

[bigj75]

I'm tired of faking though. Im at that point where i don't give a fuck.

 

[lost_soul83]

I am in the same boat; I imagine a lot of us here are. Unless we are completely isolated by others, we have to "put on the dog" and pretend. The lying is super hard. I hate lying and find myself tortured to lie to those I love. I have instead really cut everyone off. I just stopped responding. I would rather not talk to them than lie at this point. I know if I admit how I have actively prepared to ctb, I will end up somewhere I don't want to be. It sucks. Part of me says — this is the SI wanting us to be honest about our innermost thoughts as to disclose would lead straight to hospitalization. The thought of being hospitalized deters many of us who suffer from depression. Being depressed inside a mental hospital is fucking excruciating. I don't wish this on anyone.

I've REALLY wanted to isolate myself as well, but I know if I do, my family will know something is up, ya know? I kinda think, what's the big deal with lying a little? I'm gonna be dead soon anyway.

 

[Misanthrope]

I have to pretend in life that I am mostly fine for my loved ones. Because I am the one caring for them in most cases. I can't be depressive in front of them. Today though fortunately, I am alone. Some days I just exude misery to the point I think it becomes visible. Today is one such day so I am isolating. Watching films but I don't think I am paying attention. Time just moves.

 

[couragetodie]

I've REALLY wanted to isolate myself as well, but I know if I do, my family will know something is up, ya know? I kinda think, what's the big deal with lying a little? I'm gonna be dead soon anyway.

I guess I have been conditioned not to lie. That said, I had to lie today. Confided in loved one that I wanted to ctb; she asked when I planned on doing this and how. I told her I didn't know either — these are lies. I couldn't look her in the eye when I answered. Anyone who knows anything about lying knows that's usually a dead giveaway. I felt sorry for her for a moment but then angry at the same time. This whole gearing up for ctb is such an emotional rollercoaster for me.

 

[21Neberg]

I've stopped wearing 'the mask', as I like to call it. This smiling mask I've gotten so used to wearing over the years is just getting harder and harder to wear, which I why I have stopped wearing it as often and I just don't care about showing my sadness sometimes.

Edit: in regard to my self harm though, I'll never show that and always hide it. That's my darkest secret.

 

[Sixfeetunder]

I don't know how I deal with it... I just do not. What I've learned to do is just not say anything when I'm down, instead I vent on here or in my diary (and in code in my diary so if anyone reads it, they won't understand what I'm saying). Although I will vent about some other things. Just not anything pertaining to my suicide and mental health. I also have learned how to save my energy up so I can temporarily be energetic and happy when I need to be. But my god, after small tasks, I get so burned out. Like I could be working for 4 hours, and by the end of it, I'm exhausted. With my current schedule I can get away with just doing things in short bursts, but when I graduate I won't be able to... so I definitely want to ctb before then. There's no way in hell I'll be able to work 8 hours a day and 5 days a week. Even just doing something for 3 hours makes me tired and irritable.

 

[Nohopenohelp]

Its so exhausting pretending like everything is okay. But when you don't then you become alienated, there's no winning

 

[couragetodie]

Its so exhausting pretending like everything is okay. But when you don't then you become alienated, there's no winning

This is sadly true. If you express your pain honestly and your plans concretely you get locked up. If you fake it then you can continue to have relationships.

 

[Nohopenohelp]

This is sadly true. If you express your pain honestly and your plans concretely you get locked up. If you fake it then you can continue to have relationships.

It's disturbing. You get ostracized for being honest about what you're going through but when/if something happens (attempted CTB or CTB) people wonder why you didn't reach out.

 

[Eren]

I understand what that is, I think that many of us here are afraid of hurting our loved ones because of our thoughts about CTB, hugs.

 

[Skymaiden]

Well I can relate
its like I keep all this depression and anxiety and suicidal tendencies as my biggest most well-protected secret
nobody knows but I really am just empty and dead inside. Any hint I get that someone likes me, I just feel that they just like the image i fake or that even if they do understand, I'm just not worth it
I mean its like we keep this hidden because I feel no one would understand even if I told them. I'm from a place where mental illness or suicidal thoughts are just a mood and solution is to just be "happy" -__- (stupider words have never been said)