Venting Having everything and still feeling nothing

[SantasHelper]

I feel like a horrible, selfish person because I have everything I ever wanted, what most people want, and I still feel empty and think about CTB.

I have a living, healthy & communicative family. I have a few friends I talk to every so often. I have a well paying job, I have a partner who was my first healthy relationship ever. I'm learning how to drive, going to college, etc. When I was younger, I struggled with all of this. With making friends, having a healthy relationship romantically and with my family. I was deathly afraid of driving and put it off for so long. I was too poor to go to college, I only go to college bc my job pays for it. I lost my scholarship during the pandemic. I'm even losing weight and eating better. Going outside, meeting new people.

I'm doing all of these things, and I still don't feel happy. I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety in January and I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 19 (CSA / Partner Assault).

A lot of pro choice people, or even ignorant people, say there's a lot to live for. They say that going outside and drinking water and trying something new will help. Well, I did it all. I tried new hobbies. I lost weight and gained weight 3 times, this is my 4th time. I'm overcoming some fears and trying to do new things. I've tried climbing up the latter in terms of education and career, considering I grew up in poverty. Still nothing. I'm just walking proof that you can truly have everything and feel nothing.

Part of me feels tired of taking care of everyone else. When there's an argument between my friends, I have to fix it. When my friend is wanting to CTB themselves, I have to be there for them and help. When my parents are drunk, I have to help them and cook dinner and clean etc. But when I need help with something or someone to talk to, nobody. Nothing.
Taking care of everyone else and nobody takes care of me.
These are just a few examples of what I do.

I've thought (and planning) to running away and starting a new life. If that doesn't work out, I'll CTB.

Thank you for reading and letting me vent out my feelings. I've felt this way for a while.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are perfectly valid, it could never be selfish to want to die as after all nobody is obligated to exist in this world. Just because other people may be in a worse situation doesn't take away any of your suffering, it's very much understandable feeling so tired of it all. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[SantasHelper]

Your feelings are perfectly valid, it could never be selfish to want to die as after all nobody is obligated to exist in this world. Just because other people may be in a worse situation doesn't take away any of your suffering, it's very much understandable feeling so tired of it all. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you I appreciate your words.

 

[10000DaysTooMany]

Wow, we actually joined at the same time and have similar experiences. Back before I moved state I was in a very similar situation as you. My immediate family does not work. Both of my parents and sister rely government money to survive. They also do not take care of themselves. I've cleaned their house of the hording three times. Although they didn't give me the best start to life I don't blame them. I have tried my absolute best to better myself and be happy; but it has not helped. My life now is much better than it used to be but I'm still depressed. I've personally come to the conclusion that even though people will be sad when I die. Its not my responsibility to keep living in hell for their sake. Weather you CTB or not I hope your pain finds its end. You deserve happiness.

 

[RichardFirst]

Depression is not conditional. How many celebrities or wealthy people with seemingly wonderful lives opted out early?

 

[SantasHelper]

Wow, we actually joined at the same time and have similar experiences. Back before I moved state I was in a very similar situation as you. My immediate family does not work. Both of my parents and sister rely government money to survive. They also do not take care of themselves. I've cleaned their house of the hording three times. Although they didn't give me the best start to life I don't blame them. I have tried my absolute best to better myself and be happy; but it has not helped. My life now is much better than it used to be but I'm still depressed. I've personally come to the conclusion that even though people will be sad when I die. Its not my responsibility to keep living in hell for their sake. Weather you CTB or not I hope your pain finds its end. You deserve happiness.

Thank you, you also deserve happiness. Yes, we are in a similar situation. I don't blame my parents. I'm a child of an immigrant. They risked their whole life just to give me and my family better ones. My sisters both struggle a lot too. I'm the only one in my family who has gone to college and try to have a career. And it's all from the pressure I feel from everyone, and from myself to be good bc "my parents didn't come here for nothing".

I hope you find happiness and find a solution to whatever you want in life. I wish you luck

Depression is not conditional. How many celebrities or wealthy people with seemingly wonderful lives opted out early?

That's so true.

 

[10000DaysTooMany]

Shortly after high school a friend of mine with a similar family history to your own CTB. He hung himself but because he posted on snapchat prior it wasn't fully successful. I remember being in his hospital room seeing tubes in every bodily entrance he had. They got his heart beating again, and his lungs breathing. His brain however had ceased all functionality. While everyone else was mourning I couldn't help but feel jealous at how brave he was. I wanted to be gone like him. Since then I tried hard to make my life better, and I did but despite that I still don't want to be here. Just because they worked hard for you doesn't mean you owe them your life. Whatever you decide I wish you the best too. ❤

 

[SantasHelper]

Shortly after high school a friend of mine with a similar family history to your own CTB. He hung himself but because he posted on snapchat prior it wasn't fully successful. I remember being in his hospital room seeing tubes in every bodily entrance he had. They got his heart beating again, and his lungs breathing. His brain however had ceased all functionality. While everyone else was mourning I couldn't help but feel jealous at how brave he was. I wanted to be gone like him. Since then I tried hard to make my life better, and I did but despite that I still don't want to be here. Just because they worked hard for you doesn't mean you owe them your life. Whatever you decide I wish you the best too. ❤

That's terrifying and a huge reason I don't want to CTB. I feel like I would mess up with that method. A few days ago I had the courage but did nothing about it. Which I kind of regret because I never feel courage like that ever.

I appreciate you sharing your story and others. Makes me feel less alone.

 

[FacePALM]

Shortly after high school a friend of mine with a similar family history to your own CTB. He hung himself but because he posted on snapchat prior it wasn't fully successful. I remember being in his hospital room seeing tubes in every bodily entrance he had. They got his heart beating again, and his lungs breathing. His brain however had ceased all functionality. While everyone else was mourning I couldn't help but feel jealous at how brave he was. I wanted to be gone like him. Since then I tried hard to make my life better, and I did but despite that I still don't want to be here. Just because they worked hard for you doesn't mean you owe them your life. Whatever you decide I wish you the best too. ❤

It's kind of weird right? A friend of mine ctb'd also and while I am mourning her, her death felt like ice water being thrown on me, I was jealous that she was gone and I wasn't, just like you. And on the other hand seeing her family hurt so bad made me try hard to stay. Sorry for your loss mate.

 

[Octavia]

Maybe that you should talk about it with a professional? There is an excellent chance that your depression can be helped with medication and therapy if you do not have an idea of where your depression comes from.

 

[StupidLizard]

We are very similar on the surface. Like you, I acknowledge my blessings, but it also makes me feel full of guilt and shame for being depressed. I feel like I should have no good reason to feel the way I do.

Depression is not conditional. How many celebrities or wealthy people with seemingly wonderful lives opted out early?

This is essentially the only thing that makes some of the guilt subside.

 

[SantasHelper]

Maybe that you should talk about it with a professional? There is an excellent chance that your depression can be helped with medication and therapy if you do not have an idea of where your depression comes from.

I've already talked about it with a professional. I have a therapist. And I've had several therapists. Most of them do tell me that I'm too self aware, and has even dropped me because of it.

 

[Rob1984]

I have a living, healthy & communicative family. I have a few friends I talk to every so often. I have a well paying job, I have a partner who was my first healthy relationship ever. I'm learning how to drive, going to college, etc. When I was younger, I struggled with all of this. With making friends, having a healthy relationship romantically and with my family. I was deathly afraid of driving and put it off for so long. I was too poor to go to college, I only go to college bc my job pays for it. I lost my scholarship during the pandemic. I'm even losing weight and eating better. Going outside, meeting new people.

Part of me feels tired of taking care of everyone else. When there's an argument between my friends, I have to fix it. When my friend is wanting to CTB themselves, I have to be there for them and help. When my parents are drunk, I have to help them and cook dinner and clean etc. But when I need help with something or someone to talk to, nobody. Nothing.

I've thought (and planning) to running away and starting a new life. If that doesn't work out, I'll CTB.

It does not make you selfish AT ALL for feeling these things. Humans are incredibly complex creatures; we require a lot to feel fulfilled in life. There's a lot of people in this world who seem to have everything that is desired, yet they are still depressed/suicidal/etc. This could be caused by many different reasons though... often it is the result of feeling like ones life is insignificant, but that isn't the reason for everybody's depression. I'm sorry you feel so empty though. You sound like someone who works hard for themselves and the people you care about.

A couple things you said stood out to me though...

1. You said you have a "healthy & communicative family" but then you complained about how your parents get drunk and that you have to then basically become the adult in the house (cooking, cleaning, etc.). I would not expect someone who has a healthy and communicative family to simultaneously complain about parents drinking and the added responsibilities that occur as a result of the drinking. Idk, it just seems a little contradicting imo.

2. You said you have friends, but you also said you have nobody there "when I need help with something or someone to talk to, nobody. Nothing"... I don't doubt that you are friends with these people, but it doesn't seem like they are super close with you since they are not there for you (which is fine btw, not all of our friends have to be intimate). But it obviously bugs you that none of your "friends" are there for you, since you included it in your post. Maybe you are desiring friends that would be there for you when you need them? I personally do not consider people my friends when they are not there for me when I need them, but everyone has different definitions and standards for "friends."

 

[SexyIncél]

I've thought (and planning) to running away and starting a new life.

Cool! If your planning is thrilling, that's a sign it could nullify some causes of depression and social anxiety. If not, maybe it'd help to get a trustworthy conspirator

And experiencing the cusp of nonexistence may help you stop giving a damn about what unreasonable people think. Because what's the worst they can do, kill you?

I've already talked about it with a professional. I have a therapist. And I've had several therapists. Most of them do tell me that I'm too self aware, and has even dropped me because of it.

Bizarre. I'm sure some therapy traditions don't suffer this fatal flaw. Like Rogerian person-centered therapy seems stronger the more self-aware you are

Also, therapists are biased towards conservative steps. So they're more about coping/maintaining dull situations, unless you push in more radical directions. Effectively acting like normies-who-replicate-normies