Venting having dissociative identity disorder makes it so much harder

[thelastexit]

i want to ctb so badly. ive wanted nothing more for at least the last 5 years... but some other alters fight so hard to survive that i cant do anything without them getting us hospitalized. i wish i knew how to do it quick enough that all help is impossible.

but then i also wonder, is that even fair? is it fair to die when some part of me wants to live? does it even matter, when im the one who has to deal with all the daily shit in life because im the Host? i dont know how to even express this to anyone who would understand. i cant tell my therapist without getting locked up, ive tried telling my parents but they dont care as long as im alive and not making them feel guilty for wanting to stop living. i cant post about any of this in DID spaces because i get repported, and i cant even communicate with the alter who keeps saving us. i dont know if that would even help, if i could talk to them and explain how were better off to stop fighting whats inevitable. it wont be today, maybe not tomorrow, but the end will always be at our hand and ive known that for as long as i can remember, even when i wasnt actively SI.

i dont know yall. why does it have to be so complicated? why cant i just go to sleep and never wake up? if this alter wants to live so bad why cant they take over and let me have my peace inside my mind, if the body has to live why does that mean i have to experience that life? im tired

 

[theboy]

You are going through a tough enough situation because of your disorder. you don't deserve to suffer like this, my friend.

 

[theresonlyonewayout]

Omg well that sounds exhausting. Thanks for the insight. I'm curious, why does the saviour altar have more power than the you? (The host) Forgive me if my language is not correct, I'm happy to be educated.

 

[Idiotic]

I'm not the one to encourage any sort of suicide , but your way of how everything is, with having your disorder, and problems that seem incredibly hard to maintain, (that aren't even linked to your fault).. it seems so unfair that you need to deal with it all. I also don't know much about DID, so I cannot speak for your experience, but it definitely must be more then a struggle to face wanting to ctb, but also having that alter wanting to live. It seems definitely that you can get caught up in it all, feeling like you can't even control anything seems just beyond stressful.
I really can wish that you can find peace and find some help from this site somehow. Trying to find peace while in your situation seems impossible.. but I hope that you find your way out without any problems and finally get to have peace while resting your soul.

 

[thelastexit]

Omg well that sounds exhausting. Thanks for the insight. I'm curious, why does the saviour altar have more power than the you? (The host) Forgive me if my language is not correct, I'm happy to be educated.

host is just a term people with DID use to mean "alter that fronts (is in control of the body) most often."
all of us are alters and i think we have about equal power, its just that triggers pull other alters to the front and that "kicks out" the one who was fronting before.

unfortunately trying to ctb is the trigger for this alter so that means i get kicked out and then ill just wake up in a hospital or just have days go by where i blacked out because others were in control instead. i know its also because DID is ultimately a coping mechanism as much as it is a mental illness so my brain doesnt completely want to ctb no matter how much /i/ want to.

I'm not the one to encourage any sort of suicide , but your way of how everything is, with having your disorder, and problems that seem incredibly hard to maintain, (that aren't even linked to your fault).. it seems so unfair that you need to deal with it all. I also don't know much about DID, so I cannot speak for your experience, but it definitely must be more then a struggle to face wanting to ctb, but also having that alter wanting to live. It seems definitely that you can get caught up in it all, feeling like you can't even control anything seems just beyond stressful.
I really can wish that you can find peace and find some help from this site somehow. Trying to find peace while in your situation seems impossible.. but I hope that you find your way out without any problems and finally get to have peace while resting your soul.

thank you. it is very frustrating living like this, but not being able to stop. i just wish if i cant end the body i could go dormant and that would be the same as not existing, at least from how our previously dormant alter talks. she was just.... unaware of anything at all for 3 years. i dont get why i cant be like her. maybe life could get better in 3 years if i wasnt around to ruin it.

You are going through a tough enough situation because of your disorder. you don't deserve to suffer like this, my friend.

thank you. i wish i didnt have to. i never asked for all this trauma to cause me to have DID, why do i have to be stuck living with it? why cant the people who traumatized me suffer instead

 

[Lawliet]

dissociative identity disorder is such a tricky and cruel disease, and I am so sorry that you're dealing with such a difficult diagnosis. my advice to you is to work on that trigger and try to turn it into something positive. i don't know how often or how well you and your alters communicate, but it might be beneficial to try to address it in a non-confrontational way to your savior alter. i believe there is hope for you though, seeing that you were able to post this without switching. perhaps if you continue with this site, the idea can be normalized for all of your alters.

 

[Hollowillow]

I wasn't diagnosed but I have multiple personalities and might be able to explain.

We have 3 brains. Emotional, rational, primal. Everyone has both gender hormones, but as a female I have more estrogen so it stimulates my emotional brain as dominant.

But I have hypoglycemia, anemia... So sometimes I don't have enough fuel & oxygen for all the brain. Parts must be sacrificed to sleep. If I get an emotional trauma that part if the brain must be frozen to prevent overstimulation seizures...

So another part of the brain takes over... So often they have their own personality and we talk together. (Which explains those who hear voices)

My rational brain is a wise introvert. He has no emotions, that's all me. My function is to perceive my senses to give him data to calmly analyze in the sub conscious. Well, data fucking hurts!!!

I envy men who don't have emotion as a main function, and anyone without a hypersensitive nervous system... That's why I have a high IQ. I feel more. But it's overwhelming, I need more nutrition to function (b and c) burn out faster, need more emotional support. But I'm seen as weak, get less, even bullied. My brain is build to run sprints of geniuses then rest a long time. Society demand marathons. Now demand nonstop sprints. Geniuses can't bear this... We have firework sparks... Can't have that nontop. If we try (and we do) we burn into a depressed agony.

So my rational brain told me he's only intelligent thanks to me providing so much data... That he can't take over... He has to much data to alalyze to handle outside stuff.

The 3rd one is the primal brain. He's even deeper in the subconscious. He doesn't have 1 eye. So imagination or real dangers are all the same for him. He'll trigger an adrenalin rush to give super strength to flee or fight. Anxiety is a super power. Chronic anxiety isn't a mental illness but a shitty society.

His job is to do repetitive tasks like breathing, heart beat, walking. If he has to take over because the other 2 are too tired... We can end up in loops like OCD. It can be extremely violent because his job is to kill and eat. It can'y think rationally or recognized lived ones. Like a zombie. Drunk & drugged people can be dangerous for that reason. If the drive to reproduce gets triggeted in that state, I pity anyone around...

He's the autopilot to keep us alive. He can't permanently take over because he's too busy coordonating vital functions... And without the wisdom of the rational brain, and the empathy of the emotional brain, it'd be worse than a rabid dog psychopath. Unable to socialize & solve problems.

I think society is a cruel machine because men without empathy only concerned about statistics decided how society functions. They give no value to emotions, which are alarms, guides for a better world. Those psychopaths craving dominance even see emotions as a disease.

I wish the people with a heart ganged together to remove them from power and made a world of empathy based on solidarity, understanding, and self care.

So this is why your emotional brain leads... So you won't be an ignorant piece of shit bully. Your primal brain's job is to protect you. It's annoying but comforting to have 1 ally who'll never abandon you.

I feel sad to have to murder my other selves...

If I turn off all my bad memories, and trust... I unlock my inner child. A beautiful cheerful loving hope... That got abused and crushed.

People want everything but don't have the energy, so they abuse others... People who get abused often abuse to feel their power back. It's easier than polish a skill or try to understand.

People gate to feel empathy because they feel your pain as their own. So they blame the victim. Not feeling for them, and not guilty about abandonning someone in need because "they deserve it".

Doctors tell us it's all in our head because they don't have the knowledge & time to figure it out. Easier to give a pill to shut you up than help you figure out your needs... Or change a toxic food supply and abusive work standards.

We invented machines to work less. But instead we are expected to work faster than machines.

So we burn out...

We want to live... But we're trapped starving in exhaustion. Everyone hate it, even the rich... But we greed for more wrong things... Mocking as crap the thing we need most.

Love... Safety... Nutrition...

All together we could change the world... Kinder to ourselves & each other...

I don't understand why the people paid to help me just won't do their damn job. Cops call me a liar who deserve it, landlord refuse to send the repair man with the right skill... Social services have no compassion...

To feel control & safety they make us fill forms, class us in cathegories with psychiatric labels...

But they don't know how to help. Blindly doing the wrongs invented by a jerk hundreds of years ago in a barbaric time. Electricity got invented & seemed cool so they gave electrochocs. When it seemed too barbaric to lobotomize with an ice pick, they achieved the same result with "modern medicine"

They want control to reassure themselves, understanding is hard, the unknown is scary.

So we get abused, and they self rightously claim it's for our own good. Unable to see further than their own satisfaction, because they have no empathy, and think arrogantly that they know better than our own body, mind, emotions.

Seeing us as a defective machine, not a crying hungry child...

Women could bring empathy... But men want to dominate alone. God, a man, created everything alone... Even though only women give birth... He birthed the whole universe.

The artogance of men to refuse to see the skills in others... Just because it's different than their own. They compete, fear to be replaced... But we're supposed to share different specialties, it's the whole point of making a society.

But people mock the different. A true leader would wonder what their skill is. Instead to look at what they can't do, they'd try to discover the unique skill they gained in exchange for lacking in other areas...

But we're just cogs in a too fast machine. We're overpopulated, overworked... Even families don't have time to discover, train and blossom their own kids. Putting them overcrowded in a cube. Do that with animals and they'll kill each other. So the bully push people to suicide...

While pro life ban abortions and euthanasia... Creating unlivable overcrowded conditions...

And I destroyed my life with a mistake, unable to find a specialist, or denied... Or it's too late...

I want to live but I can't. My primal brain has no eyes, no reason, no emotions... Just 1 job... Keep me alive.

IT's pure life drive... With an immence power. I wish I could channel it to solve my problems... Did but this time it's too much. I had to fight people pushing me down... I want death... I can't fight the entire world alone. Even my primal brain is tired fighting against being constantly poisonned... I have lost the will to live, eat, try... Just waiting for death... To find the resolve to die...

Understanding... Was my skill. Like a computer. I could have improved this world. Opened new door of possibilities...

People hated me for it
If people were given the absolute cure, but to belueve it they had to see that they & the world was wrong & to change... They'd refuse & let themselves die stubbornly going in the same direction, trusting harmful abusers... Medicine is death. Nature & nutrition is life... We need to consume life not chemicals.

Try saying that to an anorexic junkie... That his coping mechanism is the very thing causing his suffering. Try saying to someone who take antidepressants or antipsychotics for vouces that they must lusten to their inner voice, to understand their sadness, what they need, and reach for it.

I did. I reached... I was brurally beaten down... Asking for help... Told to shut up and endure agony... They convinced me... To let myself die.

Then they wonder why I'm suicidal.

I understand this world. I pity it. And loathe it to death.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so hard to deal with what you are going through. I cannot even imagine what it must be like. I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation, it sounds so tiring. I wish you relief from your suffering.

 

[rationaltake]

I sort of understand. I have DID. Lots of the people have just gone. Jumped ship as they don't want to live. So why am I left here now? I have huge gaps in my memory where I wasn't around. Some of the people live in the head not irl at all. I sometimes find it hard to say much. Just to say I get it.