N
nooneyouknow
bed rotting
- Jul 17, 2024
- 4
I can't stand feeling like this it's absolutely killing me, I feel fucking insane. I hate having a favorite person because I feel so much dread and anxiety and I'm scared whenever she mentions hanging out with someone who isn't me. It takes so much for me not to react or anything but fuck it's so hard and I'm so tired of dealing with this constantly. The intense emotions, the mood swings, the consistent inconsistently. It's so tiring. I've thought abt CTB because of to be honest. It's been on going for years and I'm not in place where I can do anything for it, I'm tired of feeling insane and wrong all the time. The worst part is I can only speculate what's wrong with me, I don't have any damn confirmation. It's ruining my ability to just do shit as a normal functioning person and it's shameful and embarrassing. I think if I were to check out, it would be something out of pity. A mercy kill even, because I can't imagine going into my life and still having to deal with the same shit I've been dealing with since I was like 10. I made a deal with myself at 12 if I didn't feel better at 24, i got to CTB. I figured I'd give myself another life time to figure my shit out and it's only gotten worse. Just eugh god, i hate being mentally ill, I've always been this way. I was never given the chance to actually be a kid the same way my peers were and I fear that pattern won't ever stop. I don't think this even sounds coherent, I've just been an anxious mess I needed to get something out there in hopes it helps