Having a hard time with a "better life"

[ithappens]

I don't know if anyone else has ever experience this - and I'm not sure if I'll even word it right as I am a little high on my meds atm, but I figured I'd ask because I'm having a hard time with it. I grew up in a household with a single mother who was often herself struggling with mental health issues and so was frequently abusive and neglectful (though she's doing a lot better these days with help). I also had undiagnosed autism and some other issues that cropped up early in life. Anyway by sheer luck I met my now husband and am trying to do better to be able to spend as much time with him as we are able. He makes a lot more money than me because he is able to work whereas I am disabled. He provides a good (I would say middle class?) lifestyle for me, he is very understand but understandably concerned for me, and he is more than I ever could have hoped for or dreamed of. The problem is I don't really seem to know HOW to function in a stable environment. I grew up in such odd and stressful conditions that I am just constantly full of anxiety (almost like a fight or flight reaction but I'm stuck in it) and depression. Sometimes I experience mania but that tends to be rarer and I have more mixed episodes than anything.

I know some people may not understand it, but I am actually struggling to find a way to fit into a healthier environment. You'd think I'd be happier than I was years ago when I was trapped and constantly under scrutiny and being humiliated and hurt, but I'm actually more full of anxiety, more unsure of myself, and feel more mentally unstable than I did before somehow. Maybe my mental health has just been degrading too much in the past few years due to drug use and leaving the mental health clinics due to distrust over some past abuses. Is it possible to struggle with having a healthy life when all you've known is dysfunction and abuse and neglect?

 

[timf]

There are some who have a seamless transition from one developmental stage to another. However, most of us have some degree of difficulty as things never seem to go as smoothly as shown in the movies.

For those who have suffered abuse or other calamity during childhood, there is the possibility that not only normal developmental stages were not experienced, but negative one were. This can leave a legacy of difficulty in coping in life in general.

For example, while it can be prudent to be skeptical of strangers, however, a life riddled with fear and anxieties can prevent deeper relationships with those who love us. Being able to extend trust and withdraw it when hurt would seem a natural reflex. However, childhood experiences can leave scars that impinge on this ability.

The solution is to consider and identify those reflexes that are hindering one and consider exercises or experiments to modify them. If you have someone who cares about you, this can be easier if you both (almost playfully) consider things you could do to move into new territory or restore functionality to old territory.

One should be cautioned not to spend too much time looking backwards as this can contribute to resentment and bitterness. Also, one should avoid becoming too self-focused. Experimentation should look mostly to the future and what things of the present can be changed.