Venting having a boyfriend would make me much less suicidal.

[leavingss]

i'm a cuddly person despite being neurodivergent, i love cuddling i love physical contact!! why did i have to be both ugly and autistic? why can't i have the one thing i want most which is a loving boyfriend? i just wanna be held and loved. that's all i fucking want. i'm so lonely and it's slowly killing me.

what used to help was hanging out with my friends but these days, they've been acting weird and we rarely even see each other. i wouldn't be surprised if they're planning to leave me or something.

 

[sadalways]

I really feel the same way, can relate so much, also autistic here with looks that i'm not proud of. If i had a girlfriend (that truly loves me) to cuddle and hold me, tell me sweet things, i'd probably be so much better. I crave contact and connection like that so fucking much. I keep making romantic scenarios in my head, to the point i nearly cry and overthink myself to sadness knowing i'll never get to experience anything close to it due to the way my autism makes me boring, with anxiety on top of it. It really sucks. It's the only thing i've wanted my whole life and at this point i'd rather these feelings would go away, because they crush me.

P.S I Want to add something about looks - i still to this day think that they don't really matter, unless you want like one night stands i suppose through dating apps. All kinds of different looking people find significant others. These model looking people i'm sure they have way more chances to find someone but if you find someone that only likes you for your looks, that doesn't sound ideal in the slightest.

(P.S x2 I love your pfp. Elfen lied is cool. )

 

[KillingPain267]

i'm a cuddly person despite being neurodivergent, i love cuddling i love physical contact!! why did i have to be both ugly and autistic? why can't i have the one thing i want most which is a loving boyfriend? i just wanna be held and loved. that's all i fucking want. i'm so lonely and it's slowly killing me.

what used to help was hanging out with my friends but these days, they've been acting weird and we rarely even see each other. i wouldn't be surprised if they're planning to leave me or something.

I doubt it. But then when you lose him, you will be 10× more suicidal.

 

[Namelesa]

Me too. I think cuddling is the best feeling ever as you can feel so relaxed and vulnerable and safe in the others arms, so a romantic partner to hug with would fulfill that want of mine. I am also autistic but I don't know how much that effects me in this regard but I know it can definitely make it harder for people but you might find it easier to get an autistic boyfriend so you can more understand each other. Know that other people can also find some of the traits of autism to be attractive, I know I do.

 

[Yume Nikki]

I understand. I didn't get a boyfriend until I was 22. But to be honest, I felt more suicidal after he left. That feeling of abandonment just never goes away even after months of healing. Having a boyfriend is nice, but remember that everything is temporary, and people can change their minds all the time. You'll feel even more worse after a breakup. I still cry in my sleep sometimes and dream about him.

 

[Ligottian]

I'm a guy who used to think that finding a "soulmate" would "fix" me. I've talked to people who have gotten divorced. I've talked to one woman whose husband killed himself in a gruesome way. It seemed obvious that finding a partner is no miracle cure. Of course you could get lucky.

 

[divinemistress36]

It hurts like hell when they leave though. The world would be a better place though if we all got some cuddles though

 

[slightoverlooked]

i can relate a lot :(( im not autistic but i also struggle with finding a boyfriend...

 

[zappynomore]

its tough being alone another person is always that kind of missing part of the puzzle that completes life.

 

[Notaname]

It will help for a while, but it always comes back if you don't solve the actual problem. Then they just leave you because it came back. Then it becomes multiplicatively worse...

 

[sadsoni]

i have always imagined autism and bpd to be worse than the major depression I suffer from. I don't have the energy and charisma to be the charming company I want to be. Maybe I can muster a bubbly personality for a while but it doesn't last. So I end up with expectant dating prospects to disappoint. This has happened many times - I duck calls after courting interest. Makes me feel inauthentic or like a fraud. I hate it.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I'm a guy who used to think that finding a "soulmate" would "fix" me. I've talked to people who have gotten divorced. I've talked to one woman whose husband killed himself in a gruesome way. It seemed obvious that finding a partner is no miracle cure. Of course you could get lucky.

I think it only fixes people if they're lonely and are ready/fit for a relationship. I guess it would help with self esteem a bit too.

 

[Lyn]

i'm a cuddly person despite being neurodivergent, i love cuddling i love physical contact!! why did i have to be both ugly and autistic? why can't i have the one thing i want most which is a loving boyfriend? i just wanna be held and loved. that's all i fucking want. i'm so lonely and it's slowly killing me.

what used to help was hanging out with my friends but these days, they've been acting weird and we rarely even see each other. i wouldn't be surprised if they're planning to leave me or something.

Very similar to how I felt at some point in my life. Including this desire for being held and loved, maybe craving a sense of vulnerability but safety. It's unfortunate that you have to experience such a desperate desire for seemingly basic emotional needs.

Only, I'm afraid, if that's not the main reason for being here, it might just be a patch for a while. And it's not even about the possibility of a break-up, which of course can only make things way worse.
I mean... sometimes I regret that I was lucky enough to find someone to experience it with.
And that I didn't end it all earlier, when everything was simpler and no one depended on me so much.

But anyway, I hope you find what you're looking for. It's definitely possible and can give you the push for something better.
But what I would definitely be wary of is finding a soul mate who's as suicidal as you are.
It may lead to a very twisted trap of life, if I may put it that way.

 

[longtheriverrun]

As hollow as it sounds, it really does take a certain kind of person to make having a relationship really 'help you.' As a guy, I can confidently say that I have never felt such happiness and comfort than when I had someone by my side like that. And by a 'certain kind' of person, I mean someone with an exceptional amount of patience—someone who understands and reciprocates that level of 'dependence.' Being a very co-dependent person like me really only works out well when the other person is the same way

But as others have said here, it could also do nothing for you in the long-term; It could just be a temporary 'fix.' Which, if it doesn't work out, will leave you in a much worse state than before. I think most of what I've said here just echoes other replies, but hopefully, something I've said proves useful to you

I have highly romanticized views of love (dalliances with Kierkegaard and Goethe certainly have exacerbated that), and overall inexperience with relationships, so much of my feelings towards the subject are naïve. It's hard enough to find someone who truly understands how you feel, let alone be willing to stick with you through 'it' all

 

[Notaname]

i have always imagined autism and bpd to be worse than the major depression I suffer from. I don't have the energy and charisma to be the charming company I want to be. Maybe I can muster a bubbly personality for a while but it doesn't last. So I end up with expectant dating prospects to disappoint. This has happened many times - I duck calls after courting interest. Makes me feel inauthentic or like a fraud. I hate it.

I have AuDHD and my therapist has recently been thinking I have BPD. It's really rough because you have both ends of the spectrum. You're either completely numb feeling nothing in a relationship or completely obsessed with them. My ex fiance, I didn't really feel anything towards most of the time and just wanted to be left alone to do my own thing and work on hobbies. I split with her and got with a girl I was into when I was in school and it was the complete opposite. I would drive an hour just to bring her a snack regularly, always made sure she had living flowers from me, always took her out on dates and was super supportive with her working hard in college. I think that was possibly my first time experiencing what it was like to ACTUALLY care about someone. They both left mostly because of my mental health in the end, but for my fiance, my antisocial tendencies were the other part of it. I was the same personality wise in both relationships, very quiet, stoic, reserved socially and sexually. The second relationship, the girl was also autistic, we shared a lot of the same social and thought patterns so silence or antisocial behavior was accepted. My point is that you're going to have to set that expectation up front and that there is people out there who share similar feelings and will appreciate your social patterns. You don't have to settle for someone who will make you fake it. You can find someone who appreciates you for you.

 

[cme-dme]

I have AuDHD and my therapist has recently been thinking I have BPD. It's really rough because you have both ends of the spectrum. You're either completely numb feeling nothing in a relationship or completely obsessed with them. My ex fiance, I didn't really feel anything towards most of the time and just wanted to be left alone to do my own thing and work on hobbies. I split with her and got with a girl I was into when I was in school and it was the complete opposite. I would drive an hour just to bring her a snack regularly, always made sure she had living flowers from me, always took her out on dates and was super supportive with her working hard in college. I think that was possibly my first time experiencing what it was like to ACTUALLY care about someone. They both left mostly because of my mental health in the end, but for my fiance, my antisocial tendencies were the other part of it. I was the same personality wise in both relationships, very quiet, stoic, reserved socially and sexually. The second relationship, the girl was also autistic, we shared a lot of the same social and thought patterns so silence or antisocial behavior was accepted. My point is that you're going to have to set that expectation up front and that there is people out there who share similar feelings and will appreciate your social patterns. You don't have to settle for someone who will make you fake it. You can find someone who appreciates you for you.

Oh man this hits close to home as somebody who is also probably AuDHD. The combination of wanting complete isolation and being a clingy bastard at the same time is just pure hell. I wouldn't wish AuDHD on my worst enemy honestly.

 

[Pryras]

Having boyfriends made me 10x more suicidal

 

[grapevoid]

Having boyfriends made me 10x more suicidal

This! Men have been a good amount of my trauma and significantly increase my suicidal ideation. I'd rather be lonely than ctb over a man, which could be highly likely as I'm living on the edge and small things could push me over.