I haven't been online for while. I was still thinking about suicide everyday but I wasn't too serious about it. Back in August I came very close to doing it but I didn't. Now I know for a fact that I'm ugly and I'm still a tranny but I don't think transitioning is enough for me. It angers me that I'll be buried under my old name which was one of the things that kept me from doing it which I now realize was silly as hell because it's not like I will be around to care.
I now work a shitty job that I hate and I have serious money problems. I think I might be an alcoholic. There's too much shit for me now and I don't see the point in carrying one as hideous crazy person with numerous mental illnesses, a shitty past, money problems, addiction problems, etc. I can never really truly fix my gender and my appearance anyway. The body truly is a life sentence.
I'm starting to feel relieved but also scared. I used to feel bad for my family but I don't care that much anymore. Its quite interesting how I feel myself dissociating from the world around me. Everything feels very unreal. My whole mind is zeroing in on the suicide which is fascinating. I really don't give a fuck about anything but leaving.
I know how mad this sounds but I keep telling myself that I'll get to be a regular guy next life and it helps a lot. Even though it's probably bullshit and if reincarnation exists the probability is high I'll end up even more fucked. But then I'll just kill myself again and again.
I now work a shitty job that I hate and I have serious money problems. I think I might be an alcoholic. There's too much shit for me now and I don't see the point in carrying one as hideous crazy person with numerous mental illnesses, a shitty past, money problems, addiction problems, etc. I can never really truly fix my gender and my appearance anyway. The body truly is a life sentence.
I'm starting to feel relieved but also scared. I used to feel bad for my family but I don't care that much anymore. Its quite interesting how I feel myself dissociating from the world around me. Everything feels very unreal. My whole mind is zeroing in on the suicide which is fascinating. I really don't give a fuck about anything but leaving.
I know how mad this sounds but I keep telling myself that I'll get to be a regular guy next life and it helps a lot. Even though it's probably bullshit and if reincarnation exists the probability is high I'll end up even more fucked. But then I'll just kill myself again and again.
