Have you planned to CTB and backed off at the last second?

[mcmileable]

I made plans to CTB a couple of weeks ago with SN. I did all the preparation and sat down on my bed to take that final drink and... I couldn't do it. The weight of permanently ending myself hit way harder than ever-- even though I had been thinking about it for months. In short, I got scared. Very scared.

For a few days afterwards, I felt relatively calm and peaceful. Not good, but better than I had felt in months. I think I was reeling from the emotional impact of being so close to CTB. But that wore away and pretty soon I was back to normal. Now I'm left wondering what to do next. Part of me thinks that I should realize that I'm farther from CTB that I thought. I'm still very scared of it and I should accept that and accept the fact that I'm going to be here for a while and try my best to deal with all the pain and suffering I've been feeling. But a big part of me still wants to CTB, and I'm thinking that somehow I can get over that fear that stopped me the last time.

I'm not looking for anyone to tell me to CTB or don't CTB. But I would like to hear if anyone has had a similar experience. How did you feel afterwards? Did you have to deal with similar conflicting emotions? Did your thoughts on CTB change? Did your thoughts on anything change?

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Part of me thinks that I should realize that I'm farther from CTB that I thought

Cling to that. Nobody wants to be on this side of the fence - trust me. If you have something to live for, go and live for it.

If the situation is that your life is hard, you cannot find meaning, you cannot find companionship or love, etc... you have to decide for yourself if you're willing to power through all of those negatives with basically self delusion until a) it actually happens and you achieve it or b) you die.

I'm sorry if it comes across as preachy, but this is my own personal take on it. Commit to your decision either way, and take the time to make sure you are making the right decision for yourself. None of us can answer these questions for you, but hopefully this is a helpful framework for you to think about it with.

 

[Flippy]

I have had failed attempts and have backed out at times too. The closest I think I got from memory was maybe 20 years ago. After a protracted and vicious episode of drunken abuse from my mother (because I wouldn't buy her more booze at 2 in the morning) I tried to do what I now know as partial suspension. I used a guitar strap. I endured the throbbing in my head and my vision got hazy and then I woke up, not sure about how long I was out but my neck was bent almost at an L shape on the wall next to me and my legs twisted under me had gone completely numb. Like they were completely dead which made getting out of that situation quite difficult. I didn't have the nerve to try it again. I was quite young at the time.

A few months later I took an overdose, lots of ibuprofen and a couple of other things I found. I had no idea it wouldn't work. All it did was make me vomit bright pink. But I remember feeling very calm as I swallowed all those pills. When I woke up vomitting that's when the panic set in. I was totally freaked out that I would die later from whatever damage I had done.

I think knowing that I might have been close to death or at least in the case of the OD believing I had been and could still have been, sets off a really visceral survival instinct in me. There were one of two pain killer ODs after that. Again I didn't have the knowledge I have today that I would have had to have taken a literal ton of ibuprofen. But I think each time I tried increased the survival instinct. So I think I'm going to have to be very convinced that a method would work and have as little awareness of it as possible. Almost like I don't even want to know I'm ctb. Just like blinking out of existence.

 

[Lorntroubles]

Go for a long, long, walk without distractions. Sort out your thoughts.

 

[charlottewilts]

yes, i have, though my circumstances were a bit different. one time i got too blissful from a drug concoction and took off the noose to go hang out with friends, another time i got too drunk beforehand and got too lazy to walk to my hanging spot. both decisions ended with dread and regret the following morning.

i think that the fact you were feeling calm afterwards is a good sign. i'm not a psychologist nor do i know you, but that's what my gut tells me. as @Backwood_tilt said, if you have hope, hold on to it and don't let go.

 

[Flippy]

Maybe the experience gave you some sort of emotional release. Like you had satisfied the part of your mind that wanted to ctb. I agree with backwood_tilt and charlottewilts, if you are feeling hopeful try and hold on to it. I think that I probably felt some kind of relief too after I had attempted. That probably explains why I didn't double down particularly on the first attempt.

 

[mathieu]

I had a similar experience years ago. I bought N and I tested small doses a couple times (great for insomnia lol) but I just couldn't do it. My dog was still a puppy and I just couldn't leave him. Now I am planning to do it and it is more pressing (my life suck more) and I think I have to do it, dog or no dog.

 

[squirtsoda]

Yes, and it's ok. There does not need to be a hard fork in the road. When the time is right, the time is right. All I could add, from my hard earned experience of antifreeze (85% successful, renal failure, seizures, coma) and an amitriptyline+etc. OD (99% successful, coma, anoxic brain injury, brain death misdiagnosed because they didn't know about the drugs in my system) is PLEASE make sure you pick something that won't cause you permanent damage if it fails. SN sounds like a good choice.

 

[Final Escape]

Yep, that's why im still here lol!

 

[overandout]

Yes, and it's ok. There does not need to be a hard fork in the road. When the time is right, the time is right. All I could add, from my hard earned experience of antifreeze (85% successful, renal failure, seizures, coma) and an amitriptyline+etc. OD (99% successful, coma, anoxic brain injury, brain death misdiagnosed because they didn't know about the drugs in my system) is PLEASE make sure you pick something that won't cause you permanent damage if it fails. SN sounds like a good choice.

Were you aware of having the seizures from having anti freeze? What symptoms do you remember? Did a family member/ friend find you for both occasions?

 

[TAW122]

A couple of times, and just two in 2019. Before I made a daring trip to meet my ladyfriend in another country, I gave myself permission that if things went well then I wouldn't CTB, but if things gone poorly for any reason or cause, then I originally planned to CTB near end of May 2019. Thankfully it went well and even better than I expected, which allowed me to see the rest of 2019.

Another time was I gave myself an ultimatum that if I didn't lose virginity while overseas, then I wouldn't see 2020. As I went to Amsterdam in October 2019, I was nervous because I wasn't sure if I would be humiliated, get swindled, or worse, end up in a bad situation. I took the plunge and then went anyways, and then lost my virginity the 2nd day I was there. As a result, I managed to cope through the rest of 2019 and here I am, in 2020.

I do strongly believe that 2020 would be my last year alive, unless something really amazing that changes my mind or buys me additional time to not want to CTB. I have a thread listing all the reasons (as of current) for seeking to CTB and I don't see anything really changing anytime soon. It is "possible" I could call it off at the last minute like I always had in the past and/or a sudden unexpected turnaround that resulted in a small recovery.

 

[Dwnwrdsprl]

Last night, & tonight. The walk in clinics were at capacity and not taking more people & I still want to get a proper antiemetic. I have everything else in place.

 

[squirtsoda]

Were you aware of having the seizures from having anti freeze? What symptoms do you remember? Did a family member/ friend find you for both occasions?

Unfortunately for my dad he found me both times. Anti freeze was when I was 13, was in the garage for several hours. Seizures started some time after ingestion, I felt pretty drunk but nauseous with a headache. I remember the initiation of the first seizure, and then coming out of it confused and in pain everywhere. After that I went unconscious. Next tine I woke up I was in a hospital with a catheter and major major major urinary and kidney pain. Then of course the psych ward once that stuff was resolved.

Dad found me this last time a couple of months ago by breaking into my condo with his police friend after several friends and family members decided I had gone missing because I guess I was in the middle of (normal) text conversations with like 10 people when I went unconscious. No one had any idea I was CTBing or close to it. I even went to the dentist that morning to get a filling done.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

About two years ago I put my gun in my mouth. Round chambered. I stopped after 30 seconds of breathing and put it away. That's the most extreme close I got.

 

[overandout]

Wow ok, ah can't be easy for your Dad. Antifreeze definitely sounds painful.
Well hopefully the next time you will be able to see it through to the end. I can understand you wanting to wait before trying it again. Wish it could be an easier process for everyone, alas suicide never is.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Very recently I wrote a goodbye post, left the house with my SN and meto and drove. I got talked down from it and while I didn't do it then, the feeling still very much lingers. I wish I had done it tbh. I've already been here too long.

 

[Nothingfromsomething]

I have wanted to die since I was about 10 maybe younger. But all my childhood attempts were fails (I thought smashing my head into a wall would kill me... Thank God I didn't brain damage myself lol) that ended when I met my now ex. She made life tolerable, good even until she left. Then the ending to die set back in. As for recently

I got really close recently. First fine time I texted my goodbyes... I got calls from people that never called me everone one friend I'd never even heard her voice before... people I rarely spoke to messaged or called me, it was nice in a way I felt loved, but it didn't bring my life back. I regretted not as attempting get soon after.

A week or so later I was ready to try again but because I had got drunk and against my better judgement said goodbye to my at the time best friend... Then the cops hauled me of to the psych ward. Luckily I only spent 48 hours there. A couple days later I said nothing to no one and tried one last time. Attempted carbon monoxide poisoning in a car... Even after an hour of burning the charcoal though it still produced smoke and I passed out with the car door open. All I got for my effort was a fucked up seat in my ex's second car which only made things worse.

I've not tried since because SN is hard to get in Canada and I more no longer live alone or have access to a car, plus I don't trust CO any more... at first I felt so angry at life for not letting me die then, after a while I managed to come to terms with things in a way. At least in my case while I saw no upside to life, I had a dream, a goal and that was strength in a way...

But because in foolish enough to make my dreams contingent on other people that's failed and I'm back where I started wishing I hadn't failed at suicide and getting ready to bite the bullet (figuratively, wish I could get a gun) and just hang myself. Something that terrifies me.

I don't know if there's story will help any but you wanted to know how people felt after not being able to kill themselves so there is there you go.

Long story short I wish my recent attempts had gone better. But I'm glad as a kid I knew nothing about killing myself. the last 10 years were a struggle just to be with my ex thanks to borders and other life crap. They were some of the hardest years of my life, but I had something to make each ounce of pain worth it.

Only you can decide if you want to die, if your ready to die. I won't tell you what to but, if your scared, maybe it's not time yet. Even if it's only for a while, happiness can be worth the pain (assuming your issues aren't physical health related)

 

[vesttigeel]

Similarly, I tried to ctb a few years ago when I'd been overwhelmed with a sudden rush of built up emotions - I couldn't quite decipher what they meant, but a recent death of a family member must've tipped me over the edge. It was rash and impulsive, not planned at all, but I filled up a bath planning to ctb by bleeding out. (Graphic description ahead) After I'd made the cut on my leg, the sight of it horrified me as it'd gone extremely deep and was bleeding rapidly. I sat there for around 2 hours but as I saw the water turn redder as I was looking at my own leg bleed out, I decided that I wasn't ready to die yet and I didn't know why I was there. I got out and, obviously shaken from shock, realised the impact I actually made and decided I was glad I didn't wait to bleed out completely. I never got stitches and I was limping for around 2 weeks afterwards, it ended up getting infected. Even now, the wound has scarred over purple and it's about 15cm long, 5cm wide. Not a pretty sight.

Before the incident I'd been self-harming for years, but afterwards I stopped almost entirely (apart from a few small outbursts here and there) because I was that triggered by the post-traumatic stress and I hated the way the scars looked on my skin. I can't wear shorts without people seeing the remnants of my attempt... and now it makes me regret the whole thing even more. After I'd gotten over the initial pts though, my habits went back to normal, but never the same. I now actually hold some value to my life and the thought of trying to ctb again just sends me in a perpetual spiral of debate.

Personally this experience helped me realise that I wasn't ready to ctb, as it did for you. It doesn't mean I don't regret it deeply though.

Sending love

 

[¡!¡!¡!]

I chickened out many times. My method is partial hanging and whenever i get really close to blacking out i back off.

 

[Madiem]

was going with partial suspension about a year ago .planned did my homework set a date when it came to it i was exhausted felt weak the act /situation seemed like a bad joke to me , the defeat still hurts.

 

[issyishere]

i recieved my SN but i can't even bring myself to open the bottle. I fear what's after, if i'll fail and wake up in the hospital or psych ward. I decided to wait on it for a few months and see if i could perfect the method.

 

[squirtsoda]

i recieved my SN but i can't even bring myself to open the bottle. I fear what's after, if i'll fail and wake up in the hospital or psych ward. I decided to wait on it for a few months and see if i could perfect the method.

That's what I fear too, the aftermath of this last one was truly horrific and still is. I never want to learn to breathe, eat, talk, and walk again. Although it didn't sound like that should happen with SN.

 

[escapefromabuse]

Last August I had my gun pressed to my forehead, round in the chamber and pressure on the trigger. My daughter texted me at that moment. The feeling to ctb has waxed and waned since then.

This Friday I again had the gun to my forehead with pressure on the trigger. Thoughts about the explosion of gore stopped me. I hope for some diginity and not a horror show. Later that day I started playing with partial suspension. I got some pressure but my ligature wasn't right so it was time to stop and make better plans.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I backed off 2 hours before taking SN. Now I'm worse than before. I wish I had taken it.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I'm terrified of that happening to me because when it gets to that point, I will have no choice.

 

[gentleflower]

When I was 14, I spent a lonely night on top of a cliff, contemplating to jump. I'm happy that I didnt try, because I guess the danger of surviving the jump would definitely have been too great.
A year ago, I had tried to let myself sort of freeze. Sat on my balcony in a thin nightgown for hours with wet hair below freezing point. But all I got was a very severe cold.
Last summer, I had accounted for all the medications i could find in my apartment. Had even noted down how much active agent was in there and it should have been enough to ctb. But I talked to a friend at the time and was talked out of it.
I've gotten drunk a few times now and settled in a bath with a scalpel to slit my wrist, but it has not gotten beyong selfharm by now.
My SN arrived a few months ago now. I am too afraid to take it of fear of failing and still wondering if my life just cannot turn around anymore. I am also lacking the anti's and i do not want to attempt impulsively and end up in the psych ward.